Summary: Sometimes growing up means learning to let others care about you, too.
Author's Note: This is part 8 of the Sweetwater Romance series. It comes after Sweet Spot and bookends the third Season 3 episode, Blood of Others.
“Listen, boys, you need to be extra
careful the next few runs,” Teaspoon warned the group of riders gathered around
the table, waiting for dinner.
“Tell us somethin’ we don’t know,” Cody
grumbled. “The Paiute are mad as hell
about this latest treaty.”
“Well, if the Army would ever bother to
figure out a chief can only speak for the warriors who’ve agreed to follow him,”
Buck said in exasperation, “and stop trying to hold other bands to a treaty
their chief hasn’t signed, things wouldn’t get like this.”
“I know, Buck, I know,” Teaspoon sighed
tiredly. “But that don’t change the
situation we have on our hands in the here and now.”
“What situation?” Lou asked curiously as
she walked through the bunkhouse door. She
wondered if there’d been a new development in the latest indian troubles that
she hadn’t heard about yet. Removing her
hat, she hung it up on its peg, next to her gunbelt, but kept her eyes
expectantly on Teaspoon.
He waved a hand in front of his face, as
if waving the whole previous discussion away.
Clearing his throat, he said, “Listen, Louise, I’ve been wantin’ ta talk
ta ya.”
She moved over to stand by the table,
next to the man she’d come to think of as a father. “Well, here I am.”
“Ah, yeah.” His eyes flickered to each of the boys at the
table as they shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Their behavior had Lou raising a suspicious
eyebrow. “Look,” he finally said, “I
need someone ta pick up a special pouch fer me in Craig.”
“But, Noah’s up next fer a special run,”
Lou protested.
She was as aware as the rest of them of
the dangers the trail west currently posed, and had a bad feeling this ‘special
assignment’ was make-work, designed to keep her out of the danger zone. She narrowed her eyes slightly as she took in
the nervous mannerisms of Buck, Cody and Noah.
Kid was looking at his hands, fiddling with his harmonica. Even Teaspoon looked like he wanted to run
for the hills.
“I know, Lou,” he reasoned. “But that’s out by yer brother and
sister. I figgered ya could leave
tomorrow, spend a couple days visitin’ them, then pick up the pouch when it’s
ready end of the week and bring it on back.”
Feeling he’d provided a sound case for his decision, Teaspoon sat up a
little straighter and ran his hands under his suspenders, snapping them back
against his chest in satisfaction.
Grinning, he finished, “It’s no more’n I’d do fer any of the other boys
if they had family out that way.”
Each of her brothers started nodding
eagerly in agreement.
“He’s right, Lou,” Noah said cheerfully.
But Kid still wouldn’t look up, confirming
her suspicions of a conspiracy.
“Yeah, right,” she growled, glaring
dourly at the lot of them. Turning away
from the table, she marched toward the door, back stiff, head held high. She paused only long enough to grab her hat
off its peg and slam it down on her head.
“Where ya goin’, Lou?” Cody asked. “Rachel’ll be out with dinner any minute now.”
Not bothering to turn around, she spat out
through gritted teach, “I ain’t hungry.
Tell Rachel I’ll be back later ta help with the dishes like I promised.”
She put extra emphasis on the word promised, wanting them to know just how
betrayed she felt at that moment. After
that fiasco with the Pike brothers she’d thought she’d put an end to this sort
of nonsense. Without another word, she
slipped through the door, letting it slam shut behind her with extreme
prejudice.
The five males at the table all jumped
guiltily at the sound.
**********
“Lou?”
“What do you want, Kid?” she snapped,
never slowing the quick, jerky movement of her arms as she shoveled manure
violently out of a stall.
“To apologize,” he said quietly. “That didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped.”
This stopped her motions. She straightened to her full five feet three
inches of height, tightened one hand around the handle of the shovel, as if
trying to squeeze its neck instead of Kid’s.
She was ready to tear a strip out of his hide, but held herself in
check, for the moment. “So, it was you!”
He shrugged sheepishly. “Sort of.”
Seeing that his words had fanned the banked fire in her eyes into a full
blown blaze of anger, he held up a placating hand. “It wasn’t deliberate. I was just tryin’ ta do somethin’ nice fer
ya.”
“How’s--”
He interrupted her with a soft smile,
stepping closer to reach out and grab her free hand in both of his.
“I know yer birthday’s comin’ up,” he
said. “So, when I come back from my run
this mornin’ and heard Noah gripin’ ‘bout havin’ ta make the run ta Craig, it occurred ta me it might be a nice surprise
ta get ta spend it with Jeremiah and Teresa.
I swear, Lou, I didn’t know ‘bout the other.” He paused a heartbeat to let her digest his
words. “I promised not ta interfere with
yer job anymore and I meant it. Hard as
that may be sometimes.”
Lou’s shoulders slumped. She could see the truth in Kid’s eyes. He was a horrible liar. And she knew he’d just come back from a three
day run east. He wouldn’t have heard
about the latest Indian troubles until he got home.
“Thanks fer the thought, Kid,” she said
miserably. “That was sweet.”
She turned away from him and went back
to mucking out the stall. This time her
body screamed a souldeep weariness instead of seething anger, as it had
earlier. Kid waited, letting her work up
to whatever it was she had to say.
“How could he do this to me?” she finally
whispered, stopping her work and letting her forehead rest on the top of the
shovel’s handle. Squeezing her eyes
shut, she was unable to keep a single tear from escaping down her cheek.
Seeing her pain, Kid walked up to her
and wrapped his arms around her tightly.
“Who?”
“Teaspoon. That’s who,” she whispered. “He swore… swore ta me my bein’ a girl didn’t
make a difference. Then he goes and does
this ta me. And the rest of ya let him.”
“We love ya, Lou,” he said, pressing a
kiss into her hair. “All of us. And, like it or not, yer bein’ a girl, the
only girl, does make a difference. I
know, I know,” he added hurriedly, feeling her stiffening in outrage. “We can’t let it show. And most times we don’t. But you gotta understand sometimes the need
ta protect ya gets overwhelmin’. We’re
gonna forget sometimes.”
“Maybe,” she muttered, pulling away from
him. “But that don’t mean I gotta like
it.”
Kid watched her almost visibly withdraw
from him without moving an inch and knew this had set their renewed
relationship back weeks. But he had no
idea what to do about it. Sadly, he
shook his head and turned to leave her to her thoughts. Then, he turned back to say, “Don’t hold this
against Teaspoon, Lou. He’s just tryin’
ta do what’s best fer all of us.”
She looked at him for a moment, nodded,
then returned to her labors.
**********
Lou had spent the night thinking about
what Kid had told her, that her being the only girl sometimes did make a
difference, no matter how much the others might try not to let it. She supposed there was some truth to what he’d
said, but it didn’t mean she had to like it or let it stand. It still hurt to know that Teaspoon didn’t
think she could handle herself in trouble, though. Especially after all she’d been through with
him and the boys this last year.
Looking up, she noticed Teaspoon was sitting
on the porch outside his office, talking with Buck, Cody, Jimmy and the
Kid. He’d taken off suddenly last night
with Buck and Noah. Looks like whatever
mission he’d been on was over and he was back.
Walking across the street, she stepped
up on the boardwalk and listened to what he was saying.
“Killed a lawman, two of his
deputies. Some say he’s done a lot worse
since then,” Teaspoon was explaining to the others.
Buck shook his head. “Hard to believe he’s lasted this long.”
Looking to his side at the younger man, Teaspoon said, “Well, they brought him
in once, but he got free. You boys are
gonna have ta watch him every step of the way.”
Cody groaned. “I’m really lookin’ forward ta this.”
Lou saw her chance to make a point. Flicking a warning glance at the Kid, she
spoke up. “I’ll do it.”
Teaspoon shook his head. “Sorry, Lou.
Already made my de… ow!” he paused as he put his foot down in obvious
pain. Lou wondered what that was
about. “Decision,” he finished.
She wasn’t about to give up. And from what she’d over heard, she had
plenty of ammunition. “Yer already
sendin’ me in that direction ta pick up that pouch in Craig.”
“I know,” was Teaspoon’s uncomfortable
response.
Knowing she had him where she wanted
him, Lou decided it was time to press her point. “Look, Teaspoon, yer always sayin’ that me
bein’ a girl don’t make a difference, right?”
“Yep.”
“Does it?” she insisted.
“Nope.”
Lou suppressed a grin. She had him.
“So, then I kin go, right?”
Teaspoon looked over at the blonde rider
seated next to Buck. “Cody, looks like
you got yer replacement.” The Marshal
paused a moment to gather his thoughts, then looked pointedly at Kid, Jimmy,
then Lou. “Listen up you three, Mills is
gonna be lookin’ fer an edge. God help
ya if he gets it.”
**********
Lou winced, ducking her head at the clatter
of the trapdoor under Elias Mills’ feet opening and the sound of his body
hurtling downward only to be pulled to a halt far short of the ground by the
rope around his neck. She turned away, unable
to watch the macabre spectacle of a man she’d come to admire dying.
Over the last week she’d learned a lot
about herself, as well as the two men she loved the most. Much of it thanks to Mills’ levelheaded
commentary on life. Yes, she could admit
it to herself, now. She loved
Jimmy. She always had. Maybe there might have been something
there. The kiss they had shared
certainly said it was possible. She just
didn’t love him as much as the Kid. If
she had to live without one of these two men, she knew which one she couldn’t
let go.
Turning toward him, she hid her head in
Kid’s shoulder, trying not to cry. Not
caring if her actions exposed her disguise for what it was. His arm wrapped around her almost
automatically, without him even being aware of it at first. Then, he looked down at her for a second in
surprise, before bringing his hand up to cradle the back of her head comfortingly.
That was something else she’d learned this
last week. Sometimes the freedom to be
treated exactly like one of the boys wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Sometimes it was nice to have someone want to
hold you, cherish you, protect you from the horrors of this world. It wasn’t that she couldn’t handle those
things, just that it was nice to know she didn’t always have to.
She’d never been so happy, so relieved,
as when Kid had shown up to shoot that disgraced former Marshal who’d been
trying to take Mills in himself. Oh, he’d
probably have come back even if it had been just Jimmy, but she knew he’d
pushed himself harder, further because she was in danger, too. And that didn’t bother her.
She couldn’t change who she was
now. She couldn’t go back to who she’d
been before she’d started dressing and acting like a boy. But she could break free of the chains she’d
put on her own life. She could accept
the part of her she’d been denying for so long.
It wouldn’t be easy, but it would be worth it.
She savored the comfort of Kid’s embrace
a moment longer, felt the lingering pleasure of his hand brushing up and down
along her back. Then, she pulled back,
strengthened once again to face the tragedies of life. Not happy, but ready to move on. She turned to follow Kid’s lead away from the
scaffold, but paused to place a comforting hand on Jimmy’s shoulder,
understanding in that moment perhaps better than anyone how he was
feeling. He, too, needed someone to be
strong for him when he was weak. But she
wasn’t that someone. Couldn’t be.
Saddened by this new thought, she slowly
walked away. But even though she refused
to look back to see if Jimmy was coming or not, her ears strained for the sound
of his footsteps. When she heard them, she
relaxed.
Freedom to be herself wasn’t as sweet as
she’d once thought it might be. But, she’d
found a new freedom this trip, the freedom to not always have to be in control,
in charge, the freedom to let others care for her. She hoped someday, soon, Jimmy discovered this
freedom, too.
Let
It Go, Brit & Alex
I was on the outside (lookin in)
Wondering where do I (go from here)
I wanna show the world my (time is now)
I won't hold back
I'm comin out
I took a bite of freedom (it taste so sweet)
Now that I know (my body's being released)
I can't go back to who I was before
I'm walking through this open door
Because tonight I'm so inspired
I feel the beat, it takes me higher(higher)
To break free is my desire
This is the new me
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