He had said his piece already but he still wasn't quite able to walk away. It was quiet here in the cemetery. Quiet and devoid of people–of the living variety anyway. He wasn't quite ready to dry his tears just yet.
Placing a hand on the cold stone grave marker, he swallowed hard before speaking.
"I love you, baby."
As Cody took one more shaky breath and wiped at his face with a handkerchief, a voice spoke from a few yards behind him.
"I thought I'd find you here."
The voice startled him and he thought about reaching for his gun but then he just didn't care. His reason for living was in that grave. A bullet could only serve to reunite him with his true love.
Cody turned to the direction of the voice and saw there was no threat anyway. Standing in front of him was Buck. It had been years since he'd last seen Buck and, as heartbroken as he was, the sight brought a smile to his face.
Of course he also hoped Buck hadn't been close enough to hear what he'd said.
The two came together in a warm brotherly embrace.
"It's good to see you, Buck," Cody said, his voice filled with gratitude. "You come to pay your respects, too?"
Buck shook his head.
"I didn't need to be here to say my goodbyes," Buck said. "For me, Jimmy's not here. I came for you."
Cody furrowed his brow at his old friend. Buck saw the look and decided to change the subject for the time being.
"So, how's the family?"
"That really why you came here, Buck? To ask after my family?"
Buck shook his head while leading Cody out of the cemetery.
"I came to check on my brother. Kid and I dealt as well as we could together. He'd have come too but he's got the children to look after."
Cody just looked at the ground.
"We're all that's left now," Buck continued. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"No," Cody said simply. "I'm not okay. I'm tired of burying my brothers, Buck."
Buck stayed quiet. There was more to be said and he might have to prod some of it along but maybe Cody'd get to some of it on his own.
"How are you holding up?" Cody asked. "He was your brother too."
Buck frowned. He had thought Cody to be close to opening up.
"He wasn't your brother though, was he?" Buck asked but then continued speaking. "He was your soul mate."
Cody's head shot up ready to deny everything.
"I've known almost as long as you have," Buck explained. "Don’t worry, no one else knows. I could see things pass between you. Your world doesn't allow for such things but mine does."
"You never said anything," Cody said incredulously.
Buck leaned against a tree just outside the cemetery gate.
"I went back and forth on that through the years," Buck said. "Sometimes I thought it might help to know that someone saw what was there and was pulling for you. Others I guessed it wasn't really my business and wouldn't really change much for you. You'd still have to hide from the rest of the world."
Cody nodded sadly.
“He couldn’t do it anymore, Buck. The hiding, I mean.”
Cody sighed heavily and sagged against the tree.
“I guess I’d gotten used to it. I mean, it wasn’t how I wanted things but I knew he loved me and I knew I loved him and that was all I needed. When we could be together–well, that was wonderful.”
“Jimmy needed more?” Buck asked more to keep Cody talking than anything else.
“I know this is going down in the books as a murder,” Cody said. “It’s a suicide though. He wanted to die–for everything to be over. He did it like this because I made him promise…”
Buck could see this line of thinking wasn’t going anywhere good.
“Cody, you didn’t cause this.”
“I made him promise to never make me go on without him,” Cody said sadly. “Stupid of me, I know. At the time all I cared about was him being more careful. He was so reckless.”
“You still can’t think this is your fault.”
“I don’t just think it–I know it. I could have saved him. I was the only one who could have. I told him I’d figure it out…I told him he’d never be all alone in the dark.”
The tears were back and burning rivers down Cody’s cheeks. He had failed Jimmy. And now the only true love he’d ever known was gone.
“I don’t understand,” Buck said, thoroughly confused by his brother’s words.
“Jimmy was mostly blind,” Cody answered. “He was terrified of being alone–of me not being there. Or me thinking he was a burden.”
“I didn’t know he was in that bad of shape.”
“We hid it best we could. I didn’t think hard enough–or fast enough. I just couldn’t figure a solution.”
Pushing himself away from the tree, Cody began to pace.
“He was so sure he was weighing me down or that folks’d figure it out with me keeping him around when he wasn’t in the show anymore. He met Agnes and she was a sweet sort.”
Cody whirled around to face Buck.
“He didn’t love her–he couldn’t even fake it,” he told Buck. “Minister that married them even noted on the marriage certificate that he didn’t think Jimmy meant his vows. Hell, I know he didn’t. But I think he cared about her though.”
Buck shook his head. If there was one thing he’d never figure out in the white world, it was all the limits on love. Love was never shameful and never bad or evil. Being kept from love–denying love–that was destructive. Love, itself, could never be that damaging.
“Jimmy thought if he married that he’d have someone to look out for him as things got worse with his eyes,” Cody went on. “But I think he felt like he was just using her. He knew better than anyone what it felt like to be used like that. I guess that’s why he came here.”
“You tried,” Buck said in an attempt at comfort. He knew Cody would be hurting but had no idea the guilt he would feel he had to bear.
“No.”
It was barely a whisper and Buck had to strain to hear it.
“I didn’t try. We’d talk sometimes about starting up a ranch or something. Just two old friends with a business together. Two old confirmed bachelors. No one would need to know how the rooms in the main house were being used. We’d still have to hide some but we would’ve been together. I could’ve kept some of the demons from latching onto him. I could still be holding him in the night when he was scared.”
“Why didn’t you two go that route?” Buck asked. He’d never heard anything about starting any sort of business from either man,
“My aspirations of fame…” Cody’s embittered voice trailed away. “Jimmy said he couldn’t let me give up those dreams.”
“Sounds like Hickok alright.”
“Thing is, those dreams were the dreams of a child. They were the dreams of a boy.”
Cody shook his head.
“How I loved him–how it made me feel to know he truly loved me…those are dreams for a man. A man knows what’s really important. He was important. I didn’t fight for him. I didn’t.”
The tears overtook the last two words as Cody sank to his knees palms helplessly toward the heavens.
Buck knelt next to his brother and put an arm around the man’s shoulders. There were no words of comfort to be offered. All Buck could give as Cody wept against his shoulder was his presence.
In time the tears slowed and the two just sat comfortably crossed-legged on the ground.
“So,” Buck ventured to speak. “How did the two of you fall in love anyway?”
Cody chuckled as the memories hit him.
“Before I answer that, when did you first see there was something between us?”
It was Buck’s turn to offer a small laugh.
“Well, something was weird between you after that Valentine’s Day when you were fighting over Clara. I thought I was seeing things or reading them wrong because it looked like when Kid and Lou didn’t want anyone to know they still had feelings for each other but they did all the same. I was sure I was misinterpreting.”
Buck offered a smile then.
“Well after the two of you got back from that special run Teaspoon sent you on, it was obvious. I always figured something happened on Valentine’s Day and you two sorted it on that ride but it left me curious. I could tell neither of you usually gave another man a second look. You genuinely liked the ladies…until after that ride.”
Cody gave perhaps his first real smile of the day.
“Teaspoon found out,” he said. “Thought we’d given the old man a heart attack when he caught us kissing in the barn. He ordered us into the sweat lodge. He told us that you couldn’t control who you fell in love with but sometimes the package they came in didn’t make sense.”
Buck laughed heartily. That was Teaspoon alright.
Cody sighed and continued speaking.
“Valentine’s Day. And Clara. I guess you’ve heard by now that on that day when we all got the Valentine hearts that Kid’s didn’t say the same as everyone else’s.”
Buck nodded remembering being told about how there was almost a knock-down, drag-out fight between Kid and Lou that day over what had been written to Kid.
“Well, Jimmy and I lied that day too. We said we got the same little poem that you all got but we didn’t. Ours were even signed. Clara and one of her friends sent those hearts and cookies that day. If I had to guess, it was her friend Hortense who wrote to Kid. I think she had a crush and wanted…oh Hell, I don’t know what she thought she’d accomplish with that letter. But Jimmy and I got notes from Clara telling us to meet her that night.”
Cody’s eyes stared out to the horizon and beyond. He had traveled back in time to those young men who each thought they could ask for nothing more than the affections of Miss Clara Cassidy.
“She led us on a merry chase that night. We were sent in different directions and each place we were sent to there was another note telling us where to go next until finally we were headed to her–or so we thought.”
Cody paused and offered a laugh at the foolish boys they had been.
“It was black as pitch that night. New moon. Couldn’t see your hand in front of your face. We could hear each other but just thought it was Clara. When we came together…well, I guess we both had the same idea of kissing the daylights out of that girl. We realized pretty quick that we wasn’t kissing a girl at all.”
Buck laughed heartily at the image that conjured in his head and he figured that both of his friends had been embarrassed and disgusted by the kiss.
Cody joined the laughter.
“We swore we would take that event to our graves. We didn’t want to ever speak of it again.”
“What changed?” Buck asked to prod the story along as he could see Cody’s eyes drifting across the years to the innocent young men they had been.
“Not really anything,” Cody answered, visibly shaking himself back to the present. “But then I guess everything changed. I’d think about some pretty girl I’d seen in town and start thinking about kissing her and her kisses weren’t enough.”
Cody shook his head slowly.
“Women seemed too passive. Jimmy was fiery and passionate and commanding.”
Cody ran a hand through his hair and sighed heavily.
“I’d start out fantasizing about some girl and before I knew it, the lips I was kissing and the body I was touching was his. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. And he was so angry at me then. I thought it was because it was probably something I did that soured Clara against him.”
“I remember how tense it was between the two of you. When Teaspoon sent you on that run to sort yourselves out, we were taking bets on if you’d both make it back and if you didn’t, which one would survive the ordeal.”
“Who won?”
“Ike,” Buck said. “He was the only one who thought somehow the two of you would remember that you’re family.”
Cody had to chuckle at that. Ike had a faith in love despite all that his life dealt him. He might have been thinking more of brotherly love when he made the bet but it was love that triumphed all the same.
“So,” Buck began hesitantly, “Which one of you got the talking started?”
“I guess that would’ve been me,” Cody replied. “I just couldn’t take being glared and growled at. I told him enough was enough and he could hit me or holler at me or whatever. I was sorry I messed it up with Clara and I just wanted my friend back.”
“That was brave,” Buck noted. “He might’ve had a mind to shoot you, for all you knew.”
Cody nodded.
“I thought about that too but then I figured if he did, he wouldn’t shoot to kill. He never liked killing anyway. I’d been shot before and at least Jimmy was such a good shot he’d hit what he aimed at so it would probably be a minor enough wound and I could make it to the next town easily enough–if I even needed a doc.”
Buck offered a wry smile and figured that Cody was right. Jimmy was a decent and honorable man. He’d usually try to avoid killing no matter who he faced.
“So there I was with my eyes screwed shut just waiting for something,” Cody continued. “I figured most likely he’d punch me so I was bracing for it and then he grabbed my face and was kissing me. I didn’t know what to think but I kissed him back because, well, I wanted to. I knew I should have been mad or disgusted but it didn’t feel wrong.”
“Love isn’t wrong, Cody,” Buck said gently. “Love is just love and if we accept that, it can fix nearly anything wrong with this world.”
“I know that now,” Cody sighed. “A day late and a dollar short but I understand it all now. I thought I did before–but I didn’t appreciate what it really meant. You know my mama said I was destined for greatness. I didn’t understand until it was too late that loving someone with your whole being is greatness. Being a strength for them and the reason they keep living–sharing the depths of your soul–even if no one else knows…well, that’s all the purpose anyone should ever need. Why couldn’t I see it before? Why couldn’t I see it when I still had him?”
The tears renewed their tracks down Cody’s cheeks. He hadn’t seen his true calling. He failed Jimmy. He promised Jimmy he wouldn’t let him be alone in the dark but where was Jimmy now? Yeah, he broke that promise.
Buck pulled Cody into his embrace and just held his brother and rocked back and forth and tried to soothe the pain, the guilt. He knew there was no real comfort to be offered to Cody. No sympathy would console him in this moment. No simple platitudes of Jimmy being in a better place or being free from pain now would heal the wounds within his brother. This was a pain Buck knew only too well. He knew that soul mates weren’t always romantic partners and he knew how devastating it was to lose that.
He couldn’t heal Cody. He couldn’t stop his friend’s pain. He couldn’t make it better. But he could offer love.
“I’m here,” he soothed his heartbroken friend. “I’ll be here as long as you need me. You need to talk, I’ll listen. I won’t let you try to go through this alone.”
Cody tried to push away from Buck.
“I’ll get through it,” he said, trying for stoicism and missing it by quite a bit. “Can’t say I’ll get over it but I’ll get through.”
Buck nodded.
“You will. But you won’t do it alone. I got Kid through after Lou passed. I’ll stick with you too.”
“I can’t ask it of you, Buck”
“You’re not asking a thing,” Buck said softly. “And I ain’t offering. I’m stating a fact. You will not be alone through this. I said love can fix the things that are wrong in the world. You still have people who love you. Maybe not the same as he did but we love you just as fiercely and just as tenaciously and just as unconditionally.”
Cody just knelt there on the soft grass under the tree completely bewildered.
“C’mon Cody, if you have anything else to say at the grave, say it. I’ll meet you in town and we’ll head out to go visit Teaspoon.”
Cody nodded slowly and pushed himself off the ground. He walked stiffly back to the grave.
“I told you once that I’d never stop loving you as long as I lived, Baby. Well, I don’t figure I’ll stop even then. I figure we’ll see each other again someday. I know you still love me. I can feel it. I’m sorry, Baby. I left you alone and the darkness took over, didn’t it?”
Cody gave one more shaky breath and trailed his fingers over the stone that marked the grave.
“I can’t say goodbye. I can’t. I’ll hold you again. I will. So, ‘til then…”
