The Long Journey Home

by Paola & Pilarcita

Author's Note:  This story is a sequel to The Doctor, originally written for the I'm a Girl! Challenge at The TYR Writers Ranch.

I've chosen to hold this story to post this Memorial Day in honor of all those who've served our country.  To anyone who's donned the uniform I can only say, Thank You!  To those who laid down their lives in service, I offer a grateful, Mission Accomplished!




“Just a moment, Sir,” the Boatswain’s mate said, holding out a hand to stop Buck from stepping onto the gangplank and disembarking from the <i>U.S.S. Sixaola*.</i>  “You’ll need to put this on before you leave.”

The sailor held up a cloth mask he’d just pulled out of a wooden crate at his side, a big red cross emblazoned on the lid he’d pried off it.  Buck took the proffered mask and passed it on to Hawk even as the Boatswain’s mate passed another his way.

“What is it for?” Buck asked, a puzzled expression wrinkling his weather worn face.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard, Sir, but there’s an epidemic.  They’re calling it the Spanish Flu.  Started up a couple months ago.  I hear it’s even spread to France by now.”

“Remember, Grandpa,” Hawk asked, putting his hand on Buck’s shoulder.  “Those men in the quarantined ward they wouldn’t let us near?  I remember the Sister saying something about the Flu.  That must’ve been what she was talking about.”

Buck looked down again at the mask in his hand.  “And this is supposed to do what, young man?”

The Boatswain’s mate cleared his throat, trading a look with Hawk.

“Don’t look around me like that,” Buck grouched.  “I’m old, I ain’t stupid.”

“Sorry, Sir.  The mask is supposed to help keep you from breathing in the virus that’s causing the influenza.”

“Here, Grandpa, let me help you tie it on,” Hawk said, taking the mask out of Buck’s hands.  Buck immediately grabbed it back, smacking sharply at his grandson’s fingers.

“Leave me be.  I ain’t a child!”  Quickly, he reached up and tied the mask around his head.  “Now, hurry up.  We’ve gotta get down to the dock ta meet Lou’s casket.”

“Yes, sir,” Hawk smiled, tying on his own mask and hurrying down the gangplank after his grandfather.  He sighed in relief as his feet touched dry land.  It had been a long two weeks aboard ship as they’d crossed the turbulent winter waters of the Atlantic.  Much of the crossing had been quite unpleasant.

Half walking, half running to catch up with Buck, Hawk called out, “Wait up!”

Buck turned back and waited a moment until Hawk caught up to him before resuming his quick pace down the dock alongside the ship that now towered over them, it’s three smoke stacks belching black clouds into the winter morning air.  Ignoring the stares of all the troops arriving home, he let out a loud, “Hmph!”

“What?” Hawk asked.

“Seems ta me it’d be a mite more effective ta just stay outta the cities ‘sted of wearin’ these danged masks,” Buck grumped.

“I don’t know what’s got you so upset,” Hawk said.  “They’re pretty much identical to the masks Lou wore in surgery almost every day.  She swore they did wonders for preventing the spread of infection.”

This seemed to allay the older man’s concerns.  If the masks had Lou’s stamp of approval, apparently they were just fine with Buck.  Hawk shook his head in bemusement.

“Well, where is she?” Buck demanded of the first sailor he saw.

“Who would that be, Sir?”

“Dr. Lou McCloud, seaman,” Hawk supplied.  “We’re here to retrieve the body and escort it home for burial.”

“Oh!  The remains will be unloaded by honor guards, after all the other cargo is out.  Then the Army will have to process them at the base before releasing them to next of kin, Sir.  I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

**********

Hawk paced restlessly across the small hotel room the Army had provided, just off base.  They’d been stuck there for three days, waiting for Lou’s body to be released to them.  Apparently there was some disagreement over their claim to being her next of kin.  And, due to the Spanish Flu epidemic, they’d been stuck inside the small 10 by 14 room the entire time.  Hawk was surprised he hadn’t worn a hole through the carpet in the five steps he could take between the bathroom and the bed.  With each pass, the distance felt shorter, the walls closer, the oxygen scarcer.

He looked at his grandfather, sitting placidly by the window.  He’d spent the time much as he had their crossing of the Atlantic, with his nose stuck between the pages of Lou’s journals.  He’d read through the dozen journals they’d found in her trunk shortly after her death more than once. 

But, it was only when they’d been digging through it looking for something to prove they were her next of kin to the Army that they’d found this current journal Buck was reading.  He’d smiled a soft, bittersweet grin when he’d first opened it and realized it was Lou’s record of her years with the Express.

Now, he was eagerly devouring this latest journal.

<i>March 10, 1860

My first day as a rider was interesting to say the least. The other guys I’ll have to work with are more or less my age and a bunch of misfits, like me.

There’s an Indian guy, Buck Cross.  He’s Kiowa, if I understood right.  His friend Ike is mute and bald.  He’s a bit unsure of himself as a result.  Those two share many scars from the prejudices and troubles they’ve had to endure already.  There are times I think I know exactly how they feel.

Then there is Billy Cody, who’s much too cocky and loud for my tastes.  But he does know how to use that rifle of his, even if he’s a bit hard on the ears.

Jimmy Hickock is a lot like Cody, in a lot of ways, sure of himself and undisciplined.  But there’s also a dark edge in him that the sunny Cody doesn’t have.

Then there’s Kid.  He’s the hardest to figure out. He mostly keeps to himself, almost as if he doesn’t want to be noticed.  But he’s good with that mare of his and, when Hickock challenged him, he showed he’s the best pistoleer of the lot of us, even if I got the impression he’ll be much more reluctant to use his gun than Hickock.

Teaspoon, our Stationmaster, is probably the strangest man I’ve ever met. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the smell of onion and bear-grease surrounding him when he rose up out of that water trough!  But he didn’t send any of us away, not the Indian, not the mute guy, not me, “the runt of the litter” as he called me.  I’ve got to give him credit for that, too, because most people would have sent us packing without thinking twice.

Finally there’s Mrs. Shannon, Emma as she said to call her.  She’s in charge of taking care of those of us at the station, feeding us, cleaning up after us, mothering us.  She’s really become our stationmother.  Just the other day I heard her telling Teaspoon we aren’t orphans as long as she’s around.  As amazing as it seems to all of us, she actually wants to take care of us.  A mother is something most of us haven’t had in a long time.  It’ll take some getting used to, but I’m glad she’s around. It won’t be easy to work and sleep so close to those guys.  The thought she’s with us reassures me.

This has been a tiring, interesting day.  I feel as if my life is finally starting to change for the better.</i>

Buck smiled reading Lou’s first thoughts about them.  He remembered their introduction to each other as if it were yesterday.  How they were lined against the fence, waiting, and Teaspoon’s first appearance, popping right up out of that water trough.  Then there’d been Emma, dear Emma, adopting them as her sons, and daughter, on the spot.

He continued to read through those first entries.  Memories of the early days of the Express, which he hadn’t thought about in so long, started to come back to him, first a few at a time, then a torrent that grew with every minute.

There was the first time they’d seen a gunfighter challenge Jimmy, Ike having to testify against some outlaw and Buck ending up abducted, having to wait for the others to rescue him like a damsel in distress, his own battles with his brother Red Bear and his split heritage, finding out about and fighting Lou’s father Boggs…

Mostly he read silently.  Sometimes he’d share a passage out loud with Hawk.  Sometimes he’d laugh at a story from his past.  Sometimes he’d stop reading to stare morosely out the window, not really seeing the wintry weather outside, as slow tears coursed down his leathery face.

And then he started to notice something: Kid’s name appeared more than any of them.  Buck remembered how close Lou and Kid had been back then, but there was something about Lou’s words that indicated a hidden affection much stronger than that of one friend for another. 

Hawk shook his head as he watched his grandfather and resumed his pacing.  How could the old man be so… patient?

“Relax, son,” Buck spoke up, not lifting his eyes from the leather bound book that held Lou’s most private thoughts.  “No amount of impatience will make things move any faster.”

It was Buck’s turn to shake his head.  If he didn’t know better, he’d think Hawk was Lou’s kin, not his.  He certainly had her difficulties handling waiting.  Buck turned the page in the diary and felt a slight fluttering near his leg.  He looked down even as Hawk reached out and picked up the piece of paper that had fallen out of the book.

Hawk handed it over to Buck.  It was well worn, had obviously been balled up at least once before being pressed flat and slipped between the pages of the journal.  It had the feel of an official document.  Turning it over, he read out loud, in a wondering tone, “Marriage Certificate?”

Hawk peered over his grandfather’s shoulder at the certificate, its title emblazoned in big curlicued letters across the top.

“This certifies that on this 30^th day of May, 1861,” Buck continued reading, “Miss Louise Kathleen McCloud married….”

Both men stared at the name next to Lou’s.

“That’s an awfully strange name for a man,” Hawk commented.  “Even a white man.”

“I wonder…” Buck mused, quickly flipping back several pages in the journal and beginning to read an entry to Hawk.

<i>“I’m so worried about the Kid.  As soon as Billy came back and told us what happened, I started to get this sick feeling in my gut and it hasn’t gone away.  I just knew something was wrong.  Thank God Jimmy and I managed to talk the Marshal into looking into it.

When Sam came back from the governor’s office and told us the bad news, I almost lost it.  Billy even felt he had to reassure me Kid could take care of himself.  I felt so embarrassed.  I thought I was better at covering up my feelings than that.  I thought for sure Sam would’ve cottoned to my secret after that, but he hasn’t.  He must be just as worried about the Kid as I am by now.

In the morning we’re riding into Prosperity to find out just how much trouble the Kid’s gotten himself into.  He would have to come to the rescue of a lady, even if she wasn’t quite a lady.  I just hope we’re not too late!”</i>

Buck raised his eyes to meet Hawk’s.  Hawk had slowly sunk down onto the bed next to his grandfather as the older man read.  Now he asked, “You don’t think?”

Buck shrugged, flipped ahead a few pages and began to read again.

<i>“I could have killed Kid today!  We’d just barely rescued him from that prison where they had him doing hard time and he goes rushing off to rescue the damsel in distress, again.  Nearly got his fool head shot off for his efforts.

It was all I could do not to smack him one upside the head for being so stupid.  But on the way back, he started telling me all about how she’d reminded him of his mother and he couldn’t help doing for her what he hadn’t been able to do for his Ma.  Then I was glad I hadn’t said anything.  It’s so rarely he says anything about his family that every comment is a jewel I treasure.  I’m glad he feels free to talk to me.”</i>

“Then,” Buck said as he flipped the page again, “the next day she wrote…”

<i>“Today Kid told me I’m his best friend.  That he feels so comfortable with me he can tell me anything.  It made me feel so good I wanted to hug him.  But, I didn’t dare.  As much as I trust him, I’m not sure I can trust him to keep my secret.  Keeping this job is more important than any friendship.  I’ve got to get Jeremiah and Teresa out of that orphanage as soon as possible, before someone adopts them.”</i>

Hawk wondered why his grandfather’s voice broke over those last names.  Who were Jeremiah and Teresa?  Had Lou had children?  The more questions her journals answered, the more they raised.

A sudden rapping on the room door interrupted their reading.  Buck and Hawk shared a worried look.  They hadn’t expected to hear from the Army until tomorrow at the earliest.  With a shrug, Hawk stood and walked to the door, opening it to find a uniformed Army captain with his arm raised to knock again.

“Oh, good, you’re in,” the Captain said.

“And just where else would you expect us to be, sonny?” Buck asked, standing as well.  “Ain’t like we can exactly go sightseeing with this epidemic going on.”

“Ahem, yes, of course,” the Captain answered, non-plussed.

Hawk stepped back, motioning the man into the room.  He stepped through the door and, as Hawk closed it behind him, the Captain looked uncertainly around the room at the single chair by the window and the two single beds.  Finally, he gingerly settled on the end of the nearest bed.  Buck retreated to the chair as Hawk sat down on the other bed.

“So, to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?” Buck asked.

“The Army has decided to grant your petition to be recognized as Primary Next of Kin and release the body of Colonel Lou McCloud, MD to your custody.”

Buck grunted in reaction.  “Well it’s about danged time.  Don’t know what took y’all so long.  Ain’t like there was anyone else ta claim her.  Lou’s been my brother since before you were a sparkle in yer daddy’s eye, boy!”

The Captain’s eyes nearly crossed at Buck’s mixed references to Lou as both a woman and a man.  He cleared his throat.  “Ah, yes.  Well, sir, it appears this was a mighty unusual case.  Folks at HQ didn’t precisely know how to handle it.  To be frank, I think they’re granting your petition just to wash their hands of the situation.”

Hawk nearly laughed.  Buck did.  “You think the Army’s surprised ta find out one of its best surgeons was a woman?  How do ya think I feel, son?  I lived and worked with her, day in and day out fer nigh on two years and never had an inklin’!”

“Anyway, Sir, I’m to act as your Casualty Assistance Officer.”

“And what, exactly, does that mean?” Hawk broke in.

“Well, I’ll help you make arrangements to transport Col. McCloud’s body home and plan his, er, her funeral.  I’ll also be there to help with the distribution of her final effects and benefits.”

“Ya mean the Army’s gonna honor their word?” Buck asked incredulously.

“Of course, Sir!” the Captain responded, slightly affronted.

“Don’t take offense,” Hawk quickly reassured him.  “My grandfather has good reason to be suspicious of the U.S. Army.  You have to understand, he was there when they broke most of the U.S. treaties with the plains tribes, back in the 70s.”

The Captain nodded, then looked down at the file in his lap, beginning to thumb through the paperwork.  “We have a lot to do tonight, to get you folks on your way as soon as possible.  To begin with, just where do you wish to transport the body?”

**********

“All aboard!  First call for those heading to Charleston, Jefferson City and points West.”

“That’s us,” Hawk said, standing and quickly shouldering his Army rucksack before turning to help Buck to his feet, only to step back, hands held up as Buck pushed him away.

“You comin’, Captain?” Buck asked, even as he began moving toward the steps that would allow him to board the train.

“Yes sir, Mr. Cross,” the Captain, who’d finally introduced himself as Capt. Jeffrey Easter, said.  “But first I need to go check that the Colonel’s remains are properly loaded.  I’ll join you in the passenger cabin in a bit.”

With a barely perceptible nod, Buck sped up.  Soon, he was moving up the steps and into the confining corridor that led past the passenger cabins.  Looking down at his ticket, he read off, “Cabin 3A.”

He looked back up, even as Hawk came to a stop behind him, steadying himself with a hand on the handlebar beneath the window.  They were in car 6.  Buck sighed.  They needed to move through three more train cars just to get to the one with their assigned cabin in it.

“I’d rather be ridin’ home,” he muttered to himself, as he put his head down and began trudging determinedly down the corridor, his shoulders brushing both walls.

Hawk laughed softly behind him.

**********

“So, Jeremiah and Teresa were Lou’s little brother and sister?” Hawk asked, as he carefully stored their traveling bags in the rack over their seats.  The seats themselves would pull down into four bunks, two on each side of the cabin, come night time.

Buck settled himself into his seat, sighing in relief.  Hawk hid his own smile.  Buck was in his late 70s and tried to act as if he were still 18.  Hawk knew after this morning’s exertions his grandfather would be asleep within a half hour of their train pulling out of the station.  But, he’d never say anything to the old man.

“Yep.  From what I’ve read in her journals, they’re the reason she started dressing as a boy.  She only told us she was trying to earn enough money to buy a spread and get them out of the orphanage she’d run away from.”  Buck sighed as he contemplated the situation.  “I s’pose it must’ve been difficult finding a job that would pay enough to let her do that as a girl.  I know it was the best payin’ job I could find in those days.”

“Do you think Kid and….” Hawk let his question trail off. 

Buck laughed, even as he dug the precious first of Lou’s journals out of his pocket.  “I don’t know, but he never did tell us his real name.  It’s certainly possible.”

“I just can’t imagine that.  If she married him, why not tell everyone else?  And when did she tell him?”

“Good question,” Captain Easter said as he entered the cabin and joined the Crosses.  “I’d love to know why Colonel McCloud made the choices… she… did.”

Buck opened the journal, flipping through pages as he obviously searched for where they’d left off.

“Ah, there it is,” he muttered to himself.  Turning the book so the pages were lit by the sun coming through the train windows, he began to read.

“Kid is such an idiot when it comes to women! Why can’t he understand that his “sweet” old friend Doritha still wants something more than friendship from him, despite being very married to another man. The hussy!

If I had to spend a minute more at that table with Miss Southern Belle, cooing over how close she and the Kid were as children, how lucky she was to have found him again after all those years, batting her eyelashes and pouting those little red lips of hers…I swear I would have gagged.

 But it seems I’m the only one thinking all those smiles and giggles and perfectly arranged golden curls are just a little too much to be real.  All the boys seem content listening to whatever she has to say, laughing at Kid’s childhood pranks. But that woman is trouble. I can feel it in my bones, and Kid is too naïve to realize it”.

Buck chuckled.  Now he finally understood why Lou was so irritated by the woman’s presence. She had told them all she didn’t trust Doritha and in the end her suspicions turned out to be true.  But the Kiowa could now clearly see Lou’s antics back then were those of a jealous woman, not simply a worried friend.

“Poor Lou.  If she was really in love with Kid, it must have been quite hard for her to see all those girls trying to catch his eye,” Buck smiled.  “He had this boyish charm that delighted the ladies.  That and the fact he was the most ‘normal’ of us made Kid quite popular…” The Kiowa trailed off for a moment, then returned to reading the journal to his companions.

I feel like crying today. I really do. Doritha is dead, along with her husband Garth. They weren’t very nice people, and I didn’t like them, but Kid considered them friends.  Their deaths on top of the losses he’s already had to endure are really hitting him hard. His mother back in Virginia, his brother Jed, now Doritha and Garth…it seems everyone Kid cared about while growing up has either died on him or, somehow, betrayed his trust.

After the funeral, he disappeared. I eventually found him at his thinking spot by the pond. He looked so sad and lost I felt like hugging and consoling him, telling him I won’t ever leave him. I was ready to do that, I was ready to reveal myself to him.

But then he started to talk, telling me he’s so glad to have found us, that he considers us family.  Then he went and told me I’m his best friend again, that he trusts me more than he ever trusted anyone else in his life, because he knows that I’ll always have his back and that I would never betray him.

I lost my nerve then.  Kid is a very private person and it must have cost him a lot to reveal his feelings like that to someone he thought was another guy. How could I tell him the truth now? After all these months we’ve spent together, confiding in each other, to discover that his brother and best friend Lou is actually Louise, and that she’s in love with him, would make him lose all the trust and affection he has for me.

I wrote I’m love with him. Yes I am. I truly only realized it as I wrote the words.  I, Louise Kathleen McCloud, am in love with my best friend, Kid.  And I won’t ever be able to tell him.  I built this persona, my mask, to defend myself and to build a better life for my siblings.  But it’s going to cost me the one person I love most, the one person I would give it all up for.

After I left Kid, I found a quiet spot in the barn to have a good cry.  Tonight I still feel like bawling, but now I can’t.  I’m Lou McCloud, the puny but spry Pony Express rider.  I have to be as tough as any of the other boys.  I have to remember I still have Kid’s friendship, trust and respect.   I’ll just have to make do with that.”

“Lou never told Kid her feelings for him,” Hawk mused. “How sad! If she would have had the courage back then, maybe things would have been different.”

“So, the Colonel didn’t marry the Kid after all,” Captain Easter commented.  “Then, who was her husband?”

Buck didn’t say anything.  He was struggling with a great sense of disappointment. It seemed silly but he had really been hoping Lou had married Kid, and not some stranger none of them knew anything about.

He set the journal down on his lap for a moment, sighing as he remembered how sad Lou had been when Kid left the Express for his Virginia home at the start of the War.  Maybe it was because she’d let him go without saying anything to him? Or worse, because she’d told Kid the truth and he’d rejected her?

Kid was a very traditional guy, that was true, Buck pondered.  He’d respected women, even the independent ones like Emma and, later, Rachel.  But he’d always acted as if he felt it was his job to protect and cherish them.  Finding out his fellow rider Lou was a girl would have turned his world upside down.  Buck chuckled as he imagined Kid’s probable reaction.  It could well have been so strong that it drove Lou away, permanently.  That seemed a logical conclusion, but Buck didn’t want to believe it.

“Kid left not much longer after that,” he finally sighed.  He pulled out the marriage certificate and opened it up to peruse the words they’d all memorized by now.  “In fact, he was already in southern Missouri by this date.  I just don’t see how it’s possible.”

The three men stared at one another for a moment, none wanting to accept that answer.  Without another word, Buck re-opened the journal and began to read again.

<i>“We received word today that the South fired on Fort Sumter.  We’d known war was coming, but now it’s here.  I’m scared.  There, I said it.  I’m scared of what this conflict will do to our hard won family.  Already, we’ve lost Kid.”</i>

Buck paused to run his finger over a smudge in the ink on the page, wondering.  It looked an awful lot like a… teardrop?

<i>“Kid had been talking about going back to Virginia ever since Doritha and Garth died.  Today, as soon as Teaspoon told us what had happened in the Carolinas, Kid up and started packing his bags.   He was gone before supper.

I followed him out to the barn, intent on convincing him to stay while he saddled Katy.  But then he said something that stopped me in my tracks.  He asked me to go with him.  I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.  But then he repeated how much he trusted me, wanted me at his back in the war, just as we’ve protected each other during so many fights this last couple of years.  I wanted to, I can’t say how much I wanted to go with him.  But I couldn’t do that.  I have other obligations. My siblings count on me and I can’t abandon them.  No matter how much I’d like to.

For a fleeting moment I was ready to reveal the truth to him.  Maybe it would have changed everything between us. Maybe he would’ve decided to stay here in Rock Creek with me and, who knows, maybe one day we could even have gotten married.  Jeremiah and Teresa could have come to live with both of us.

A vision of that future, with Kid at my side, passed before me like a beautiful dream but, looking into his crystal blue eyes, I didn’t have the guts to tell him the truth.  I was too afraid of losing him for good over the lie I’d let him believe, betraying his deepest trust in me.   So I let him go.  I let the only man I’ve ever loved ride away because I was afraid of losing him.

With Kid gone, Jeremiah and Teresa have once again become the center of my universe, the reason behind everything I do.  I know I’ll start to miss Kid soon, mourn his departure.  But right now I just feel numb, half-dead.  Devestated, destroyed, deserted… those feelings are yet to come.”</i>

“How sad,” Easter said, interrupting the narrative.

Hawk nodded in agreement.

“We all knew Lou was the most upset about Kid’s departure.  That didn’t really surprise us, those two had always been the closest to each other, much like my first lost brother and I had been,” Buck said.  “But this sheds a whole new light on things.  She really did go around for the first few weeks as if she were encased in ice.  There was simply no emotion, over anything.  Then, she disappeared.  Teaspoon told us he was going to get his brother and sister, in light of the increased dangers posed by the war.”

“That must’ve been really tough,” Hawk mused.  “Weren’t they rather young at the time?  They could’ve given her secret away without thinking about it.”

Buck nodded.  “But, they never made it back to Rock Creek.  By the time Lou got to the mission, they’d been adopted.  Lou just disappeared for awhile.  Teaspoon held her job open for her, but we didn’t hear a word, until she rode up on Lightning about a month later, looking like she’d been to hell and back.  None of us had the heart to ask what had happened to her while she’d been gone.”

“Does the journal say?” Captain Easter asked curiously.

 “I’d assume so,” Buck said, flipping idly forward through the pages.  “We’re only about halfway through this journal and there’s one other we found with it.”

Easter nodded, satisfied.

“Well?” Hawk prodded.  “What does she say?”

“Don’t know,” Buck finally said, closing the journal and tucking it back into his jacket pocket.  “But my stomach says it’s hungry.  I’m headin’ ta the dinin’ car fer some dinner.  This story has waited pert’ near 60 years, it can wait another hour while I get some vittles.”

**********

Buck sat alone at the table in the dining car.  He wasn’t really eating, just pushing the food around on his plate.  He was afraid to read the next few entries in Lou’s diary.  He could admit that to himself.  They would cover some of the most painful moments of his life, Kid’s death, Noah’s death, the death of the Express.  He wasn’t sure he was up to it.

Not to mention, after all he’d learned about Lou in the month since her death, he was afraid of what else he’d learn.  He remembered how distant she’d been, almost unemotional, after Kid had left.  He just wished he’d known.  He might not have been able to do anything to make Kid stick around, but he could have been there for Lou, offered her comfort in the midst of her pain.

Finally, he pushed the plate away from him and pulled the journal out of his jacket pocket.  Maybe if he read ahead now, he’d be able to hold it together when reading it to the others.  As he started to read though, it wasn’t the words he saw, it was his family.

Lou lay listlessly in Kid’s old bunk.  She’d moved into it the day after he’d ridden out for Virginia.  It was the only thing that made him still feel real to her.  At first it had even smelled of him, a unique combination of man, horse and fresh air.  But that scent had since been overlaid with her own.  She missed it.

She’d finished her chores this morning and didn’t have a run that day.  So, she’d retreated to the bunkhouse to get away from the noise of the others.  They, too, were missing Kid, she knew.  They were more grouchy, more likely to get into a fight.  She just couldn’t deal them right now. 

Ever since Kid had left, it felt like there was a current of that static electricity Teaspoon had been talking about the other day running under her skin.  She felt jumpy, like something was wrong.

Suddenly, she stood up from the bunk.  She couldn’t keep lying here, mourning him.  It was time to move on with her life.  She’d told him she couldn’t go with him because of Jeremiah and Teresa.  Well, now she was going to do something about her promise to her mother.

Grabbing her hat, she headed out past he barn, past Buck and Noah, who were prepping for Buck’s run, past the corrals.

“Hey, Lou,” Buck called, “where ya headed?”

She ignored him and kept on walking.  At her brisk pace it didn’t take her long to traverse the entire length of Rock Creek’s Main Street and reach the bank.  She was just as glad to finally have an objective.  Anything to keep herself moving, doing.  When she was still she had too much time to think.  Thinking wasn’t good.  It led to too much pain.

“Can I help you?” the clerk asked as she stepped up in front of the teller’s window.

“Yes,” Lou said, clearing her throat.  “I’d like to check how much is in my account.  Lou McCloud.”

The clerk began to flip through the pages of the record book he kept under the counter.  “Ah, here it is.  Looks like you’ve got… wow!  That’s quite a sum, sir.  $1976.23.”

Lou nodded her head.  She’d saved most of every paycheck over the last year and a half.  The amount didn’t surprise her.  The real question was, was it enough?

“And, how much have the last three farms sold for?” she asked, hoping he’d know the answer.

“Well, I don’t rightly know about the last three,” the clerk stuttered, clearly startled by the question.  “But, the last one sold for $1200.  And, the old Ramsey place is up for sale now.  They’re askin; just $1000.  It’s smaller, but has a nice, solid house on it.”

“Thank you,” Lou nodded.  It was enough.  Turning, she walked out of the bank as briskly and abruptly as she’d arrived.  Moments later she stepped into the Marshall’s office, letting the door slam behind her to waken Teaspoon who was ‘resting his eyes’ with his feet up on the desk.

“How kin I help ya, Lou?” he asked without removing the hat that covered his eyes.

“I’d like some time off,” she stated boldly, getting straight to the point.  “I’ve got enough ta buy a farm and provision fer Jeremiah and Teresa.  It’s time I bring ‘em home.”

This brought Teaspoon to an upright position, his feet hitting the floor with a thud.  He pushed his hat back on his head and met Lou’s gaze with a worried one of his own.  “Well, ye’ve got the time comin’ ta ya,” he began.  “Ain’t no denyin’ that.  But, ye are plannin’ on comin’ back, ain’t ya?”

“Yes, sir,” she said.  “Soon’s I get them here and settled, I’ll be back ta work.”

“When did ya plan on leavin?”

“I ain’t got a ride scheduled ‘til next week anyway, so if ya can assign it ta someone else, I’d like ta get started today.”

“What’s the hurry?” he asked, worried again.

“It’s time.  I’ve waited too long as it is.”

**********

Lou sighed as she dismounted Lightning outside the mission, careful not to catch her long blue skirts on the saddle.  It had been so long since she’d worn a dress she was constantly tripping over it or catching it on something.

For a long moment, she stood in front of the gate, just gazing at the entrance to the orphanage she’d fled all those years ago.  So much had happened since, yet she felt just as much a lost little girl as the day she’d left.  Albeit a lost little girl who now had the means to take her brother and sister with her.

Squaring her shoulders and grabbing ahold of her skirts to keep them out of reach out of her feet, she marched up the steps and rang the bell.

**********

“What do you mean they’re gone?” Lou almost wailed, cringing at the near-whine she heard in her own voice.

“I’m sorry child,” the nun said, sadly shaking her head.  “You must have passed the message on your way here.  They’ve been adopted.”

“But… But you knew I was coming back for them!”

“You never said anything about it, Louise.  And you never responded to our first letter three months ago notifying you that there was couple interested in adopting them.  Besides, it wouldn’t have mattered,” the Sister smiled wanly at Lou.  “Not unless you’d come back married.”

“What?!”

“State law, my dear, state law.  I could never have allowed Jeremiah and Teresa to leave with a young, unmarried woman.  You just don’t have the resources to provide properly for them.”

Lou stood up and glared at the nun.  “I don’t have the resources? The resources?!  I’ve got a steady job, enough money saved to buy a small farm with a house already on it and friends. That’s more than my Ma had when she had us!”

“And that doesn’t change state law, young lady,” the nun said sternly, standing up to face off with the furious young rider.  “Without a man at your side, properly married to you, you would never have left this mission with those children.  That’s how the world works.  If you’d ever said anything about your plans to me, I could have told you that and spared you this heartache.”

The nun sighed and relented a little.  “I’m not saying it’s fair, Louise.  But it is what it is.  You’ve got to learn to live with it.  Honestly, if I hadn’t known how much you care about those two, I wouldn’t even have sent you the notification they’d been adopted.”

Walking over to Lou’s side, the Sister placed a comforting hand on the distraught girl’s shoulder.  “Go home.  Find yourself a nice young man, let him court you, get married and raise a family of your own.  That’s the best advice I can give you.”

“And what about Jeremiah and Teresa?” Lou asked quietly, fighting to keep the impending sobs at bay.  “Will I never see them again?”

“In a few months, after they’ve had a chance to settle in, I’ll write you with their address, Louise.  Don’t lose heart.”

Lou nodded, unable to speak through her overwhelming grief, and slowly walked out of the room, shoulders drooping, head down.

**********

Lou stared into the dancing flames of the small fire she’d started to keep wild animals at bay.  Angrily she wiped another tear off her face as it slipped out of the corner of her eye.  She’d let Kid leave without her because she’d felt she had to stay for her brother and sister’s sake.  Now, she had no Kid and no Jeremiah or Teresa.  She had no one.  No one at all.

Laying back on her saddle, she listened to Lightning’s snuffling as he cropped grass where she’d hobbled him nearby.  Looking up, she stared at the brilliant stars scattered across the heavens like a handful of jewels someone had tossed into the air.  She remembered how Kid had taught her all about the stars on one of their earlier runs.

“It’s called the Milky Way,” he’d said.  “And that’s The Hunter-Orion.  Over there’s the Big Dipper.  If you follow those two stars from the end of the Big Dipper, they’ll point you straight to the North Star, everytime.  That way you can never get lost.”

“North,” she muttered.  “What if I don’t want to go North, Kid?  What if I’m supposed to head South?”

Rolling over, she turned her back on the North Star and closed her eyes.  She’d need a good night’s sleep.

**********

“Come on, Lightning,” Lou urged, pushing her horse ever faster, ever harder, knowing she’d have to stop soon to let him rest.  “We’ve gotta catch up with the Kid.”

She’d been riding as hard as she could for the last several days, no specific destination in mind, just South.  She knew Kid was planning to travel south through Missouri before crossing over into Tennessee at Columbus.  There he planned to hop the next train to Virginia.

Pulling back on the reins, she slowed a huffing Lightning to a walk, giving him a well earned rest.  Shifting from her bent over gallop position to an upright seat, she looked around as they approached a crossroads.  The further she’d travelled into Missouri, the more crowded it had gotten, with well defined roads, farms and small communities crisscrossing the land.  The signs at the crossroads pointed to some ten different small towns in the area.  Shifting the reins to her right hand, she followed the sign pointing toward Columbus. 

A half hour later, she approached a small farming community by the name of Eminence.  Leaning forward, she patted Lightning’s side as they slowly wove their way through the late afternoon traffic.

“What d’ya think,boy?” she murmured.  “Should we stop for the night?  Or keep on riding?”

The horse snorted and tossed its head.  Lou laughed lightly at his antics.  Raising her eyes, she looked down the street, in search of a livery.  Lightning deserved a good night’s rest in a nice, comfy barn.

“I’ve only got the one stall left, sonny,” the livery owner said laconically.

“How much?”

“Two bits.  Comes with fresh hay and an oat/corn mash fer yer horse,” he said, spitting a stream of tobacco into the dirt near their feet.  Lou shifted slightly to distance herself from the stinky tobacco juice.

“Fer an extra ten cents, I’ll rub him down fer ya and take care of yer tack,” he continued.

Digging in her pocket, Lou pulled out two halves of a quarter.  “That’s all right,” she said, tossing the two bits to the hostler and walking on into the barn.  “I’ll take care of him myself.”

No sense in wasting her hard earned money to pay someone else to do what she could do just as well.

“It’s the last stall on the left,” the hostler called after her.

Out of habit, Lou let her eyes scan each of the stalls as she and Lightning moved past.  There were giant Clydesdales, obvious farm animals, and sleek Morgans and Tennessee Walkers, built for speed, but nothing that could stand up to the extended periods of hard riding mustangs like Lightning pulled off regularly for the Express.  Lou snorted in contempt as they neared the back of the barn.

A soft, familiar whicker had Lou’s head whipping around and zeroing in on the horse in the second to last stall on her left.

“Katy?” she breathed.  “Katy!  It is you!”  Hurriedly releasing Lightning into his stall, she ran back out to catch the hostler before he left for the night.  “Sir!” she gasped.  “The man who brought in the paint in the stall next to mine?  Do you know where I can find him?”

“What’s it to ya?”

“He’s a…”she paused for a moment before continuing.  “He’s a family friend.  We call him the Kid.”

“That’d be him,” the man nodded.  “Odd name.  He said he was takin’ a room down at Martha’s Boardin’ House.  Was plannin’ ta rest up a day or two before headin’ on east.”

‘Thanks!” Lou shouted, already headed back into the depths of the barn to take care of her horse.

“Sorry, Lightning,” she apologized to the black stallion.  “But it’s only gonna be a quick rubdown tonight after all.  We found him!”

**********

Lou paused on the boardwalk outside the fence, apparently reading the big sign over the porch that declared the large house, called a Painted Lady for its flirtatious latticework and fancy, multi-colored paint designs.  In reality though, she was trying to get up the nerve to go in and say what she had to say.  Finally, taking a deep breath, she ran her hands down her sides to wipe away the sweat that had gathered on her palms then reached out and opened the gate.

Each step down the walk through the front garden toward the porch steps seemed to make the path longer.  But, finally, she reached the front door.  Reaching up, she formed a fist to knock, then pulled back her hand to remove her hat and smooth back her hair.  Smacking the hat against her thigh, she reached up again and finally rapped sharply on the edge of the screen door.

“How may I help you, young man?” A plump, friendly looking woman with curly grey hair tucked up under an old-fashioned white, frilly mobcap came walking up to the door, wiping her hands on her apron.  Lou could hear the sounds of clinking tableware and the rumble of friendly conversation coming from the dining room to the right of the entrance.  “I’ve only got one bed left, and you’ll have to share it.”

“Uh, no, ma’am,” Lou stuttered.  “I heard a friend of mine, the Kid, was stayin’ here.  I just wanted ta speak ta him.  If he’s here.”

“Oh, yes!  That wonderful young man from Nebraska Territory,” The woman smiled at Lou broadly, pushing the screen door open and inviting her in.  “Come on in!  He’s in the dining room having supper.”

Turning, she began to lead the way, still chattering to Lou.  “He’s been regaling us with stories of his time with the Pony Express.  Can you imagine?  All the adventures he’s had?”

“Uh, yes, ma’am,” Lou murmured.  Her response not really required as they entered the dining room.

“Kid,” the lady called out quietly, “You’ve got a guest.  A Mr….”  She turned back to Lou as confusion entered her eyes.  “I’m afraid I didn’t catch your name, young man.”

“Lou.  Lou McCloud.”

Kid’s head turned from the gentleman to his left that he’d been conversing with in response to his name.  Looking up, his bright blue eyes met Lou’s liquid brown ones.  Kid jumped to his feet, dropping his napkin to the table and rushed over to her.  “Lou!  You came!”

Lou nodded, dropping her gaze from his.  “Yeah.  I came,” she nearly whispered.  “Can… can we talk?”  Her gaze moved past Kid’s shoulder, so broad it nearly obscured her view of the other curious boarders avidly watching their conversation.  “Uh, somewhere private?”

Kid nodded and turned to the older woman.  “Mrs. Livingston, do you mind if we use your parlor?”

“Certainly, young man.  Just don’t be too long.  Dinner will get cold.”

Kid nodded, already leading the way across the hall to the formal parlor.  Closing the door behind him he turned to Lou, a serious, concerned look crinkling the corners of his eyes.  “What’s wrong Lou?”

Turning away from him so he wouldn’t see the tears in her eyes, she said simply, “They’ve been adopted, Kid.  They’re gone!  And they won’t tell me where!  Not for at least six more months!”

“Aw, Lou,” Kid practically whispered, stepping up beside her.  She felt his large hand move toward her, hesitate, then slowly come to rest on her shoulder.  “I’m sorry.  What happened?”

Lou nodded, reaching up to swipe the traitorous tears from her eyes.  Taking a deep breath to gather her courage, she prepared to say the one thing that could make him hate her forever.  Or love her.  She had to take the chance.

“They told me…. they told me I had ta be married ta get ‘em,” she said. 

Kid sucked in a startled breath and pulled on her shoulder, turning her to face him.  “What do you mean, Lou?”

Looking straight into his eyes, Lou did the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life.  Harder than facing down a band of renegade Indians, bloodthirsty outlaws or an angered Teaspoon.  Harder even than leaving her own brother and sister behind.  She told him the truth.

“Thank you,” Kid said simply, pulling her into his embrace.

“Thank you?” Lou asked, pushing away from him to look into his face.  “What?”

“I’ve been waitin’ and waitin’ fer ya ta trust me with yer secret,” he said softly, reaching out with one hand to trace her jawline.  “Ya didn’t really think I hadn’t figured it out?”

“But… how?  When?” she stuttered to a halt, not even sure what to ask, her mind a complete jumble at the discovery her secret hadn’t been much of a secret after all.

“After the whole thing with Nickerson’s band, when they were tryin’ ta kill Ike,” he smiled at her.  “Yer reactions just weren’t what I’d have expected.  I started watchin’ ya real close after that.  Then, I happened ta…”

He stopped speaking and blushed a bright red.

“You happened ta what, Kid?” Lou asked, a menacing tone entering her voice.

“I happened ta see ya at the pond.”

“What?!” Lou screeched.  “Ya spied on me?”

Kid quickly backed away, holding his hands up defensively.  “No, Lou.  I wasn’t spyin’.  I was on my way back from a special run fer the Army.  Ya know that route went straight past the pond at Emma’s place.  It was an accident.  I swear.”

Lou’s shoulders drooped, her anger leaving as quickly as it had come.  Falling more than sitting, she landed in the settee near the window.  Resting her face in her hands, her voice muffled, she asked,”How come ya never said nothing?”

Lou could hear Kid shrugging as he slowly sat down next to her.  “I was waitin’,” he said softly.  Reaching out, he gently pried her hands away from her face so he could look her in the eyes.  “I was waitin’,” he repeated, “fer ya ta trust me enough ta tell me yerself.  I kept tryin’ ta get ya tell me, especially there at the end, by lettin’ ya know how much I trust you.”

“Still?” Lou asked, a hopeful look entering her eyes.

“Always,” Kid whispered, his face slowly lowering toward hers.  Lou gasped slightly as she realized he was going to… was… kissing her.  Right on the lips.  Her heart stopped beating, her lungs stopped breathing, the world stopped turning as his firm mouth moved across hers in a tender, magical kiss she’d never thought she’d experience.  Before she’d had time to adjust to this new reality and begin to participate Kid pulled back to look at her.  “I love you, Lou.  Ain’t ya figgered that out, yet?  I’d do anythin’ fer ya.  Even if that meant leavin’ ya behind, ‘cause that’s what you wanted.  Lettin’ you ride without sayin’ nothin’ was hard.  But not nearly as hard as ridin’ out without ya was.”

Lou just stared at him, dumbfounded.  Her fingers pressed wonderingly to her lips as she tried to comprehend this new reality suddenly before her.  Kid not only knew her secret, he’d kept it… because he loved her.  He loved her!  Her heart sang out joyously at the thought.  Kid loved her, Lou, the girl who dressed, ate and acted like one of the guys.

“Yer so pretty,” he whispered, reaching up to brush a stray stand of her hair back behind an ear.  “You can’t imagine how good it feels to be able to tell ya how I really feel, ta touch ya the way I’ve wanted to for so long.”

Finally, she found her voice.  “Yes,” she whispered.  “Yes, I can.  I love you, too, Kid.”

Now it was his turn to freeze in shock, but Lou was having none of that.  Knowing how he felt, how she felt, she wasn’t willing to waste another moment.  She reached up to frame his face with her hands and urge him back down to her, pressing her lips eagerly to his.  His arms reached out, encircling her, pulling her to him, pressing her body as close to his as he could.

Where before the feel of his embrace and kiss had made everything stop in its tracks, this time the whole world sped up.  She could feel its rotation increasing, making her dizzy with the twirling.  Her heart began to beat so fast she thought it would jump right out of her body.  She struggled to get enough oxygen into her lungs fast enough to keep up with the rapid changes in her world.  This time, she was the aggressor, exploring him in ways she’d dreamt about but never believed possible. 

She was so intent on all the new sensations and feelings coursing through her mind and body she didn’t hear the sound of the latch clicking or the creak of the door opening, or even Mrs. Livingston’s softly uttered, “Oh my!  Oh dear!”

 Lou did, however, notice the sudden sensation of being beaten over the head and shoulders with a… pillow?  Pulling apart, Lou and Kid looked up at the flustered woman.

“Stop, that!” she scolded.  “It ain’t right and I won’t have such shenanigans going on in my house, paying boarder or not!”

“You’re right, ma’am,” Kid smiled at her before turning his face back to Lou.  Slipping from the settee, he landed on one knee on the floor in front of her.  “There’s somethin’ I’ve gotta say.  I love you, Lou McCloud.  Will you marry me?”

Lou’s softly uttered ‘Yes’ was nearly lost to the sound of Mrs. Livingston’s body hitting the floor with a soft thud as she fainted dead away.

**********

Lou looked at the minister before her in shock, her lips twitching to keep from laughing.  It’s not a good idea to laugh at your groom’s name in the middle of the wedding.  Kid just sort of looked embarrassed and apologetic at the same time and shrugged his shoulders at her as if to say, ‘What can I do about it?’

“Well young lady?” the minister asked, pressing her for an answer.

Looking back at Kid, Lou smiled.  She didn’t care what his name was.  It didn’t matter.  She was marrying him, not his name.

“I do,” she said, smiling up at her groom.

“And do you take Louise Kathleen McCloud to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do you part?”

“I do,” Kid responded quickly, smiling down at her.

“Do you have the rings?” the minister asked.

“Uh, no, we d…” Lou started to apologize for their lack of rings, when Mrs. Livingston interrupted her.

“Right here,” she said, handing over a pair of matched golden wedding bands.  Looking at the young couple, she smiled broadly, completely recovered from her earlier shock.  “They belonged to my late husband and me.  I want you to have them.”

“That’s too generous.  We couldn’t acc…” Kid started to refuse, but Lou interrupted him with a touch on the arm.  Something in the elderly woman’s eyes touched her.  Accepting the rings was the right thing to do.

“Thank you,” Lou said.  “We’d be honored to wear your rings.”

Moments later, staring down at the golden band on her third finger, her hands entwined with Kid’s, Lou barely heard the minister pronounce them husband and wife.  She didn’t hear him tell Kid he could kiss the bride.  She did feel Kid’s hand under her chin, lifting her gaze to his.

“I love you, Louise Kathleen, with every breath in my body,” he whispered, leaning down to let his lips meet hers for the third time that night.  Even as she reveled in the still sparkling new sensations his kisses brought her, Lou could hear Mrs. Livingston squealing happily and clapping like a school girl in the background, along with the other boardinghouse guests.</i>

Buck didn’t fight the tears that filled his eyes when he read Kid and Lou’s sweet declarations of love and how Kid had discovered the truth on his own but kept silent for Lou’s sake.  Buck chuckled reading how poor Mrs Livingston fainted dead away after seeing two “boys” kissing in her parlor.  He could well imagine her reaction.   He wondered how Lou’d broken the news to the older woman.  As many questions as her journals answered, they just kept raising more.

Now he felt as if his heart was too big for his own chest. He would have liked to have been there, he reflected.  Probably all the members of their makeshift family would have loved to see their two “brothers” marry.  Some would have been more shocked than others, he chuckled to himself imagining Cody and Jimmy’s reactions in particular, but it would have been a day filled with joy and hope for the future for all of them in such hard times.

The old man found himself smiling like a fool, lost in a schoolboy’s romantic fantasy.  Then, unexpectedly, reality hit him like a ton of bricks.  Kid had died just a few days after they married.  He already knew that.  Their dream had lasted less than a week.

Suddenly he lost his appetite as a deep pain seared through him.  In his mind’s eye he could see them the day they married.  Kid and Lou would have thought they had all their lives ahead of them, that they could have a family and raise their children.  But everything had been snatched away from them in the blink of an eye.

He stood up on unsteady legs. He wanted to continue to read Lou’s journal, he needed to know if they had been happy together in the short time they’d had, but he couldn’t do it in that crowded carriage.  He wanted to return to his cabin and at least a semblance of privacy.

Afterward, I just lay there, hugging Kid as tight as I could, my face buried in the crook of his neck, crying helplessly.  Poor Kid.  He didn’t understand.  My newlywed husband embraced me twice as tight while whispering soothing words in my ear.

Our first time making love.  As husband and wife.  It was a bit awkward at the beginning, but when the tension and the nervousness of finally being together wore off, it was the most intense experience either of us had ever survived.  We couldn’t wait for a repeat performance.

But first, in stuttering words, accompanied by blushes and tears, I had to reveal my most shameful secret, the one that had led me to become a boy.  Not just the violence I went through when still barely more than a little girl, but the betrayal of not just one, but two men I had thought would help me.  Kid later told me it explained so much about why it took me so long to trust him, even after all we’d been through together.

Honestly?  Throughout the wedding and the celebratory dinner Mrs. Livingston put on for us all I could think about had been my own fears.  Would I be able to give Kid the one thing, as a husband, I owed him?  The one thing I wanted to share with him more than anything.  I still wasn’t sure if I would be able to share that one last secret with him.  I was afraid Kid would think less of me, blame me for what happened.  Most men would.  But he didn’t.

I guess I should have known my fears were unfounded.  What I shared with Kid was so precious and sacred and frightening and wonderful all at the same time, I couldn’t help bursting into tears of joy.

**********

“Grandpa…?”

Hawk entered the cabin and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the state his grandfather was in.  Buck’s elbows were resting on his knees and his face was hidden in his hands.  He was curled into himself and his shoulders shook in silent tears.  The younger man had never seen his elder so sad and vulnerable and it hit him hard.

Hawk knew his grandfather was becoming more frail with each passing day; but to witness it first hand, to see him relive his youth and suffer for the friends who had become his brothers during the Express, made him realize how old Buck really was.  Suddenly he was afraid of losing him, too. Buck was the last of those boys who rode under Teaspoon Hunter’s guidance so many years ago and Hawk had this foreboding feeling that it wouldn’t be long before he joined his brothers and sister.

He sat on the bench near his grandfather and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Grandpa…” he repeated.

Buck raised his head then, unmarked tears continuing to roll down his cheeks.

“Lou was able to fulfill her dream, Hawk.  She married Kid. That certificate was theirs,” he said with a broken voice.

“That’s…that’s a good thing.  Isn’t it?” the younger man responded, unsure.

“She lost him just five days later.  Kid had decided to come back to Rock Creek, to start that ranch he had talked about during the Express.  They could have spent an entire life together and instead…that damned war robbed them of everything they could have had…”

Hawk looked up to meet the worried eyes of Captain Easter, then gently reached over to take the worn journal from his grandfather’s hands.  Opening it to where Buck had left off, he read.

**********

We’re going home!  I was ready to go on east with Kid, join the war.  But he said our marriage changed his mind.  He still loves Virginia but he loves me more.  I’m so happy.  I’m not even afraid of how the others will react when we tell them.

We’ve even discussed maybe not telling them.  Kid’s right, the Express is on its last legs.  We could go back, work for a few more weeks, months at the most, save every last cent in order to have a bigger grubstake to start our ranch with.  But, what if I’m already with child?  It’s not like we were careful or anything.  And, honestly, the idea of continuing to hide, now that I’ve known the joy of loving Kid, is more than I can stomach.

Kid did insist I put my trousers back on for the trip home.  Missouri’s a hotbed of fighting at the moment, with renegades on both sides wreaking havoc.  That’s why I was able to catch up with Kid.  He was taking it slow, covering his tracks, constantly on the lookout for danger.  Me?  I wasn’t paying any attention, just trying to move as fast as I could.  I got lucky.  It’s like there’s an angel on my shoulder, keeping me safe. 

Hawk paused and looked up at his grandfather, worried, before turning the page. Looking down he opened his mouth, then shut it.  He stared at the short entry, not comprehending what he was reading, even having expected it.

“Well?” Captain Easter prompted.  “What’s it say next?”

Kid is dead.

“That’s it?”

Hawk nodded hesitantly, looking over at his grandfather who appeared to have shrunken to half his size with those three little words.  Hawk didn’t mention that the words were smudged, as if someone had dribbled droplets of water all over the page.

He flipped to the next entry.

“She didn’t write anything for two weeks.  The next entry simply states, ‘I’m going home without him.  I don’t know how I’ll continue.  But I have to.’”

“But, what happened?” Captain Easter asked.

Hawk shrugged.  “All I know is what she told us at the hospital in France.  He was killed by Southern bushwackers over his horse.”

“He loved that horse more than life itself,” Buck finally spoke up in a bleak monotone.  “Except maybe Lou.  I can just see him defying them to keep the horse, fighting back to protect both of them really.  We got the notice a few weeks, maybe a month or so, after his death.  Lou showed up the same day.”

The three men in the train cabin fell silent as each pondered what they had learned about the enigmatic Lou McCloud.

**********

She stood staring down into the hole that had swallowed all her hopes and dreams for the future.  She’d been moving without thinking for days now. Doing what she was told, not really caring.  The local sheriff was the one who’d found her, hours after the attack, still clutching Kid’s cooling body in her arms, tears swamping her face as she continued to rock him back and forth muttering the word “No,” over and over again.

But deny it as hard and as long as she had, she couldn’t change the truth. Kid was dead.  And there was nothing she could do about it.

So lost was she in her own misery she didn’t hear a word the preacher was saying as complete strangers lowered her husband’s body into that dark, dank hole.  She flinched at the sound of dirt hitting the top of the casket.

A gentle hand patted her arm.

“My dear, you should come on back to the boarding house now,” Mrs. Livingston said quietly.  “Your darling Kid wouldn’t have wanted you to catch your death mourning him in this storm.”

Lou looked up.  A rainstorm had rolled in unnoticed while she’d stood over Kid’s grave.  All the other mourners had left.  The other boarders at Mrs. Livingston’s, the ones who’d so happily been witness at her wedding, had come, as had several Army officers who’d been trying to find the group of bushwhackers who’d killed Kid and the sheriff who’d found them.

But it didn’t matter.  The ones who should have been there still didn’t know about his death.  The gentle tugging on her arm resumed and she looked into the kindly, older woman’s face and nodded.   She began to turn and follow Mrs. Livingston out of the cemetery, but a flash of light caught her attention.

Looking down she saw the golden wedding ring encircling the third finger of her left hand.  Suddenly, she couldn’t get the jewelry off fast enough.  She began pulling and jerking and twisting it until it slipped free from her now reddened finger.  With all the anger stored up in every cell and fiber of her being, she sent the symbol of her life with Kid sailing through the air into the still open grave.

Without another look back, she followed Mrs. Livingston to the boardinghouse.

**********

“I wish you would stay with me, my dear,” Mrs. Livingston fretted, twisting her hands together in worry.  “It’s not safe out there.  You know that.”

“I appreciate all you’ve done for us… me,” Lou said somberly.  “But I’ve gotta get home.  They’ll be worried ‘bout me.”

Lou tried to ignore the kind woman’s concern as she slipped on her coat and grabbed her filled saddlebags.  Tossing them over her shoulder, she marched out of the room she’d shared with Kid for those few, short, happy days.  She refused to look back.

“Louise!,” Mrs. Livingston called frantically after her.  “You’ve forgotten your dress.”

“No, I haven’t.  Give it to the church charity,” Lou answered, never turning around or pausing.  To herself she added, “That part of my life is over.  As dead as Kid.”

**********

The tall, lanky sheriff looked up at the sound of heavy boots tromping through the front door of his office.  Seeing the young, grieving widow he’d found just a couple days ago, he leapt to his feet and hurried to her side.

Restraining his curiosity at her odd clothing - why was she dressed like a boy?- he asked gently, “Is there anything I can do to help you, ma’am?”

Lou nodded her head, reaching deep into her pocket to pull out a piece of paper.  “I’d be obliged,” she said, barely above a whisper, “if you could see your way to sending this telegram to my h… hus… husband’s family.”

She looked away to regather her composure.  He waited patiently, not wanting to rush her.  Finally she looked up and met his concerned gaze with her own watery one.  “They deserve to know what happened.”

He nodded.  “I’d be honored, ma’am.”  Turning back toward his desk, he grabbed a pencil and piece of paper.  “Just where am I sending this notice?”

“You can send it to his… father, I guess… Aloysius Hunter, Marshal, Rock Creek, Nebraska Territory.”

The sheriff paused in his scribbling to look back up at her, he cleared his throat.  “You do realize the telegraph ain’t made it all the way down south here?  And the post just went out yesterday.  It’ll be a week before the mail runner’s back to pick this up and run it into St. Louis, and the nearest telegraph office.”

Straightening, he walked back over to her side.  Resting a hand gently on her shoulder, he added, “It’ll go pretty much instantly to St. Joe, but then, unless you’ve got the funds ta pay for the Pony Express, it’ll take another week or two to get it on to Rock Creek.”

Lou shrugged.  She didn’t care.  She wasn’t even sure where she was going from here.  She just knew she needed to get away.  “Doesn’t matter.  So long’s they know.”

Without another word, she turned and walked out of the sheriff’s office.  He gazed after her, a worried expression on his face.  That young lady was going to get into some serious trouble if she didn’t snap out of it soon.

Hours later, Lou slowed Lightning to a walk to give him a rest.  They’d been travelling non-stop for several hours now.  But no matter how long or how hard she pushed herself and her horse, she couldn’t get the scene of Kid’s death, his murder, out of her mind.  If she ever saw those men again, she’d shoot them dead without thinking twice, and damn Teaspoon’s moralizing about letting the law handle it to hell!

Seeing the shine of sunlight glinting off the waters of a nearby stream, Lou dismounted and led Lightning over for a drink.  She leaned back against a tree on the creek bank, staring out unseeing at the rolling Missouri hills.  She hated them almost as much as she hated the seccesh bastards that had… No.  She had to stop letting her brain circle around the same set of facts and circumstances.  Walking over to Lightning, Lou reached out with one hand to grab the reins, even as she shoved her other hand deep into her coat pocket.  A piece of paper sliced into her finger.

“Ow!” she muttered, jerking her hand out of her pocket and sucking on her finger to alleviate the sting.  “What the hell was that?”

Reaching back in, she pulled out the piece of paper.  Unfolding it, she saw the words Marriage Certificate printed in a fanciful curlicue across the top.  She’d taken to wearing Kid’s coat since his death.  It was the only thing of his she’d kept.  So far it still smelled like him.  She hadn’t realized he’d carried their marriage certificate in his pocket.  She smiled. It had meant so much to him he hadn’t wanted to be parted from it.

Again, she heard the shot that cut short Kid’s life, saw his face crumple in surprised pain as he fell from Katy’s back.  Heard her own anguished scream as she ran to his side.

In sudden anger she crumpled the certificate into a ball in one hand and tossed it to the ground.  She turned and leapt into the saddle, spurring Lightning mercilessly into a gallop.

Several minutes later, the sound of pounding hooves returned to disturb the peace around the creek.  Lou was jumping off Lightning’s back before he even came to a stop and began to frantically search the ground.

“Where is it?” she muttered, kicking leaves and sticks out of her way.  “Where is it?  It can’t have gone far!”

Suddenly she bent over and picked up the ball of paper.  Carefully straightening it out, she did her best to flatten all the wrinkles in the paper as she walked back to Lightning’s side.  Reaching into her saddlebag, she pulled out a small, leatherbound journal.  She stared down at the marriage certificate, tears gathering in her eyes, until one salty drop fell to land on the paper.

“Damn!” she hissed, hastily trying to blot up the spot without damaging the certificate.  Then, with great reverence, she folded it in half and slipped it between the pages of the book.

**********

Hawk  jerked suddenly awake in his train bunk.  For a moment he was confused about where he was.  Then he just assumed it was the train slowing down for another stop that had awakened.  Eventually, he sound of an odd chanting seeped into his consciousness.  Rising up on his elbow he peered over the edge of his bunk, down into the cabin.

Buck had removed his white man’s clothing and was on his knees wearing only an old-fashioned breechclout.  In the small aisle between the two sets of bunks, the grey-haired Indian was swaying forward and back, chanting repeatedly as he waved a sprig of burning sweetgrass over his head.

Hawk had been raised with his father’s and grandfather’s traditions.  But most Indians these days paid only lip service to the old ways.  Hawk had never seen anyone praying so… desperately before, so sincerely.

Pulling his blanket back, the young man slipped out of the bunk and came to sit next to his grandfather.  He wasn’t fluent in Kiowa, but had learned enough to pick up bits and pieces of what Buck was saying.

“I’m sorry,” he kept repeating.  “I’m so sorry.  I should have been there.  I should have known.  How can you have called me brother when I was so blind to what you needed?  Oh, Creator, forgive me.  Forgive me.”

Finally, Hawk could keep silent no longer.  Reaching out, he gently placed his hand on his grandfather’s shoulder.

“Grandfather,” he whispered.  “What is it?  What’s wrong?”

Buck paused in his chanting to open his eyes and look at Hawk.  It was then Hawk noticed the ragged ends of Buck’s hair, cut short just below his chin.  Hawk had never seen it that short.  But Hawk knew it was a traditional way of mourning.  He was just glad Buck hadn’t pulled out his old knife and started slashing his arms or cut off a finger or two.

“I failed her.  I failed both of them,” Buck muttered.  “Just like I failed Ike.”

“I don’t think they would say that, Grandpa,” Hawk said.  “Remember what Lou wrote about seeing you at Fort Riley?  About being blessed to have been able to deliver Pa?  Lou loved you.”

“But I didn’t recognize her grief.  We were all sad and grieving,” Buck said, sighing as he stood up and began to put his shirt back on.  “But she was so sad.  So quiet.  We thought it was because of losing her brother and sister, and then her best friend, in such a short time.  Now I know better.  We could have been there for her, but we were too caught up in our own pain to notice what she was going through.”

“And maybe, she didn’t want you to notice,” Hawk suggested.  “Remember, she was used to hiding what she really was, who she really was.  She was a very private person.  Even when she was telling us stories about the old days, she censored what she told us.”

Buttoning his pants, Buck looked at his grandson gratefully.  “How’d you get so smart?”

“I learned it from you, Gramps,” Hawk smiled wistfully.  “I learned it from you.”

**********

The repetitive rattling of the train on the tracks sounded a lament in his ears as Buck leafed through the pages of Lou’s journal. The entries had become short, mostly emotionless, and far apart. It was as if the lively, witty and tough Lou that had been filling those pages until that moment, had simply disappeared.

In a way that was just what had happened, the old man thought somberly. The small rider who never gave in to or turned away from a challenge, especially when someone doubted her prowess, the one who wasn’t afraid of speaking her mind, despite usually being physically so much smaller than her opponent, the one whose bravery, and occasional recklessness, had astonished each of them from time to time; the Lou they had all known and cared about since the beginning of the Express had died.

When she returned from her trip to St Joe, wearing what he now knew had been Kid’s jacket, Lou told them what happened with her brother and sister in a hoarse monotone.  It was obvious from her terse explanation she didn’t really want to talk about it.  No sooner had she finished her explanation than Teaspoon had come into the bunkhouse, a piece of paper clutched in one fist, tears leaking from his eyes.

The news of Kid’s death hit them all hard.  So much so that none of them really noted Lou’s departure from the bunkhouse, or her seeming lack of reaction to this latest blow.  After that, she did her runs, attended to her chores around the station, but for the rest she’d stopped living.

Back then Buck had thought he understood what Lou was going through.  He’d lost Ike just a few months earlier and knew what it was like to lose a brother. But Lou hadn’t lost a brother, she had lost half of her heart, half of her soul.  And none of them had had the grace to realize it.

Those last weeks before Russell, Majors and Waddell shut down had dragged on.  They’d all been in limbo, still trying to come to terms with Kid’s death and with no idea of what to do with their lives next.  Only Cody had semblance of a plan.  He’d already signed on with the Army as a scout, even if it had caused a certain level of discord with a worried Teaspoon and Rachel. After what had happened to Kid, the two adults had become more protective about their boys’ choices than ever. They didn’t want another member of their family getting killed because of the war that was ripping the country apart.

“It wasn’t Cody they should have been worried about…” Buck murmured to himself while reading those sparse passages that described the last days of their great adventure together.

“What do you mean, Granpa?” Hawk asked.

“Noah…” it was his simple reply and the younger man nodded somberly in understanding.  He’d heard about Noah before.

“What happened to Noah?” Captain Easter asked.

“Noah was killed by a band of Southern bushwhackers, similar to what happened with the Kid,” Buck sighed.  “That was the last straw for us.  After his death our makeshift family fell apart. We couldn’t take another loss.  It was just too much.”

**********

Will all these deaths ever stop?! Lou wrote the day of Noah’s funeral. The entry was filled with angry, furious words at the senseless killing that had stolen another member of her remaining family.

Noah never even got the chance to do what he most desired, fight in the War against slavery. They accepted Cody, but refused him because of the color of his skin. What kind of sick, hypocritical system would fight for the right of all men to be treated equally and then discriminate against one of the people it was supposedly fighting for?  I’m beginning to understand Noah’s constant bitterness against the world in general.

But life isn’t fair. I should know better by now. Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you have to deal with what it throws at you. Noah was brave and intelligent and didn’t let the Army’s refusal bend him. He wanted to fight for the freedom of his people and none of us could have stopped him.

Noah was killed in an ambush, thanks to the foolish actions of Jimmy’s would be sweetheart, Rosemary Burke.  Jimmy blames himself.  He ought to blame her.  But he doesn’t.  He feels responsible.  I think that’s why he’s decided to follow Cody’s lead and join the Army.

The Pony Express is closing soon and I still don’t know what I’ll do next.  All I know for sure is I can’t reveal who I am.  Living as Louise is out of the question.   The only thing I can think of right now is to follow my brothers and join the fight for the North. It won’t bring back Kid, or Noah.  But I will fight to avenge them. And in time I hope this purpose will be able to fill the hole in my life, because I don’t know how long I can survive without my heart.

Buck sighed as he closed the book.  That had been her last entry in this journal.  The next one in the series was missing.  He wondered what had happened to it.  The journals didn’t pick back up until midway through the War.  All he knew was that she’d eventually joined the Army with Jimmy.  Shaking his head, Buck stood and gently slid the book into his suitcase.

Turning toward the sound of the cabin door opening, he met his grandson’s eyes.

“You ready?” Hawk asked solemnly.  Buck nodded, squared his shoulders, picked up his suitcase and followed Hawk out of the cabin and down the narrow train passage.  Crossing three cars, they finally arrived at the baggage car at the end of the train.  There they found Captain Easter carefully polishing the lid of Lou’s casket one last time.

“Almost there,” he said quietly at their entrance.

Buck nodded.  “Won’t be long now.”

Even as he spoke, they heard the train’s whistle, signaling their entrance into a metropolitan area, and the conductor beginning to make his rounds up and down the cars, knocking on doors and shouting out, “Next stop, Oklahoma City, Ladies and Gentlemen.  Oklahoma City in 10 minutes.”

Hawk turned to peer anxiously out the train window.  Buck half smiled at the sight.  He understood his grandson’s excitement.  After two years off at war, he was about to see his family again.  Buck himself was looking forward to seeing his wife Morning Star , his children and grandchildren.  Over the years the Cross clan had grown quite large.  But at the same time… he reached out a hand and placed it softly on the gleaming wood of the small casket next to him.

“We’re almost home, Lou,” he whispered to his lost bro… sister.

The three men stood there, each lost in his own thoughts as the train pulled to a herky jerky stop at the station.  As it let out a last huff of steam, Captain Easter cleared his throat.

“I’ll be right back,” he said quietly.

Buck looked after him as he walked out the back door of the car, swinging to the ground and hurrying to where Buck knew an Army ambulance waited to carry Lou’s body to Muskogee for final burial.

Suddenly, he staggered at the reality of it.  Throughout most of the journey, he’d been able to put out of his mind the real purpose of this trip, why it was taking so long, what he had to do when they reached the end.  But he could no longer put it off.

At the feel of Hawk’s hand coming to rest on his shoulder, Buck reached up to grasp his grandson’s fingers in a tight knuckled grip as he forced himself to stand straight and tall.  Only to feel his knees buckle as he saw the men come trooping back into the car ahead of Captain Easter.

He’d expected to see a couple of uniformed soldiers come to help them carry the casket to the ambulance.  Instead, he found himself facing his sons and grandsons, dressed in full pow-wow regalia.  Each nodded formally to their patriarch before taking a position next to one of the eight handles along the sides of the casket.

In complete silence, they all looked at each other to make sure each was ready, then lifted the casket in a smooth, well-practiced motion.  Moving in a slow shuffle, they began a stately parade out of the train car onto the station platform.  Buck and Hawk followed on their heels, only to come to a shocked standstill when they saw what awaited in the station itself.

The entire station had come to a standstill as well.  Set near the back of the station, next to the waiting ambulance, a drum group began to play a slow, rhythmic dirge, the singers wailing their lament for the Cross’ loss.

With a ululating, wailing cry to the sky, an elderly Taime priest stood on the platform, shaking a hand of rattles.  Continuing his dolorous chanting, he turned his back on the casket bearers and began to dance slowly down a path formed by two rows of mourners leading to the ambulance, moving in time to the slow, methodic beating of the giant drum.

Tears flowing freely down his cheeks, Buck brought up the rear of the impromptu parade of mourners.  He watched as the casket moved down the cleared lane, carefully noting how each member of the honor guard reached out to reverently touch the casket with a bared hand, honoring Lou with a last counted coup.  He noticed it wasn’t just his family and friends in the crowd, either.  There were also other uniformed veterans from three wars, Civil, Spanish American and now the Great War, standing at attention, saluting solemnly as the casket passed by. 

The rest of the station remained in complete silence as the procession crossed the platform and ceremoniously stopped before the ambulance, waiting as Captain Easter opened the ambulance doors, then gently placing Lou inside.  Buck and Hawk climbed in after her.

The drumming suddenly stopped, the singing stopped, all sound stopped in the station as the ambulance doors were closed with nary a sound.  No one spoke, as the ambulance driver started the engine and slowly drove out of the building, accompanied only by the wailing sound of the ambulance siren.

**********

Inside the ambulance, Buck turned and fell into his wife’s arms.  He was so glad to see her.  He had so much to share with her, things only she would really understand.  She’d been there, been through many of the same experiences.  But first, he had to ask, “Where did that come from?”

Smiling through her own tears, Morning Star reached up to gently dry the moisture still soaking her husband’s wrinkled cheek.  “Lou McCloud made quite an impression when he, she, was here.”

Buck nodded, “I know.  Lou completely scandalized the community when he helped deliver Pony Rider.”

“Not just that,” Morning Star smiled sadly.  “Don’t you remember?  How hard he worked that winter to help out during the smallpox epidemic?  We’d have lost twice as many as we did if it weren’t for all Lou’s work.  Lou McCloud is a true hero to our people.  Add to that he, she, died a warrior.  They could do nothing less for him.”

Buck nodded, understanding that, as everywhere else Lou had gone, her untiring hard work and caring nature had won her an honored place among his other adopted family here.

**********

The next morning found Buck standing once again next to Lou’s casket, this time in a Muskogee funeral parlor.  Nodding to Hawk, he indicated it was time.

With a deep sigh, Hawk reached out and unlatched the casket.  Slowly, Hawk and his father, Pony Rider, lifted the casket lid.  Then the three men reached in and carefully, reverently, removed Lou’s body from the satin lined wooden box and gently placed it on a nearby table.

Hawk turned away, only to return moments later with a bucket of water and three clean clothes.  A chanting began in the background as the Taime priest from the day before began to sing to the Spirits, dancing around the room, bathing all and everything in sweetgrass smoke to cleanse them.  With this background, Buck, his son and grandson slowly began to wash Lou’s body one last time, preparing her for her final journey.

Once fully cleaned to their satisfaction, they began to dress her in her best dress uniform, making sure every button was carefully polished, each piece of ribbon in precisely the right place, every hem perfectly straight.

Suddenly the door opened and the sound of slow steps intruded on the quiet reverence in the room.  Buck stiffened in anger, looking up to see who would interrupt them at this sacred time.  But before he could vent the fury gathering in his pain filled eyes, a soft feminine voice laced with its own grief intruded.

“So, it’s true.”

“What?” was all Buck could say, completely flabbergasted.

“She’s really passed,” the elderly man? said in a soft woman’s voice.  Dressed in a black suit, with a loose jacket that fell to the knees and hair cut short above the collar it was impossible to tell the elderly intruder’s gender.

“Who are you?” Hawk asked, curiosity and anger vying for dominance in his voice.

“Dr. Mary Edwards Walker,” the woman said, moving toward the men attending to Lou, her hand stretched out to shake in the male fashion.  “I was Louise McCloud’s mentor.  I encouraged her to attend medical school and stay in the Army after the War.”

“You knew?” Buck asked, flabbergasted.

“Oh, yes, I knew,” Dr. Walker smiled fondly.  “Found out the day she got the notice her brother and sister had died of the ‘pox.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.”

“Mail Call!” 

The announcement rang out across the room that served as the mess hall for the doctors and nurses serving with the Ohio 52^nd Regiment.  An eager susurration rippled across the room.  Pay day and mail call on the same day?  It was like Christmas in July!

Dr. Walker sighed as she accepted her check, knowing there would be no letters for her.  Her parents were dead, her siblings scattered to the four winds, her husband ignoring her existence.  Tucking the check into the pocket of her modified Union uniform, she walked toward the table in the corner of the room with the newest young surgeon trainee sitting at it, alone, munching on a sandwich.

“Mind if I sit?” she asked quietly.

The young man shrugged laconically, continuing to chew determinedly.  Swallowing, he finally stated, “Seat’s empty ain’t it?”

“Not anymore,” Mary smiled, seating herself next to the young man, not really much more than a boy.  Although… on closer examination, she began to wonder.  Maybe he wasn’t a man, or a boy.  “You’re new around here.  What’s your name?”

“Sgt. Lou McCloud,” he said, nodding as he perused Mary over the tops of his glasses.  Mary wondered if he even really needed them, they were perched so low on his nose.  “Who are you?  Don’t rightly find many women runnin’ ‘round in uniform.”

Mary laughed a little bitterly.  Looking down, she ran a hand across the front of the uniform.  “Had to make it myself.  They weren’t about to give me one!  I’m Dr. Mary Edwards Walker, assistant surgeon to the 52^nd.”

Lou stopped chewing and looked at Walker with renewed interest. 

“Well, how ‘bout that!” he muttered in astonishment.  “How’d ya manage that one?”

“The secret?  I had to volunteer, work for free at first,” Mary whispered conspiratorially.  “And... I wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”

Lou laughed out loud.  It was a sweet, boisterous sound, and a little too musical to be male, Mary thought, keeping her grin to herself.

“What about you?” Mary asked.  “How’d you end up here?  You don’t sound like someone from Ohio.”

“Naw, I’m from the territories,” Lou said, picking up her fork and digging into the mashed potatoes on her plate.  “Joined up in Missouri.  Got transferred to the medical corps about a year back.  When I said I wanted ta train as a doctor they sent me here.  Just got in last week.”

“Sgt. McCloud?”

Lou looked up to see a corpsman holding out a slip of paper.  Reaching out, he grabbed the envelope and tore it open.  A grin began to split his face.  “Wow!  This is the best pay I’ve had since the end of the Express.  $16 a month!”

Mary’s face turned grim at that mention.  “A brand spanking new medical apprentice and you’re making $16?  I only get half that and I’ve got a medical degree and eight years experience as a practicing doctor!”

Throwing her napkin down on the table, she leaned back in her seat almost violently, virtual steam pouring out of her ears as she fumed.

Lou stared for a scant moment before going back to stuffing food into a gaping mouth.  “Guess life ain’t fair.”

‘That’s the truth!” Mary muttered, forcing herself to turn back to her own meal.

“McCloud!  You’ve got mail!” another corpsman shouted, waving an envelope in the air.  Lou jumped up and ran to grab it, even as the corpsman called out another name.

Walking back to the table where Mary sat, Lou was already tearing open the envelope.

“Who’s it from?” Mary asked curiously.

“Address is the family what adopted my brother and sister,” Lou muttered, intent on pulling out the single sheet of paper.  “Figure it must be from them.”

Lou sat down, eyes eagerly scanning through the words on the paper at first, then slowing, then closing in pain as the color washed out of her face.  Tears began seeping out from the corners of her eyes, even as she let the letter drop to the table.  Suddenly, she jumped to her feet and raced out of the mess hall, leaving her still half-filled plate and the letter abandoned.

Mary reached over and picked up the single sheet of foolscap.

            Dear Louise,

            I am sorry to inform you that Jeremiah and Teresa returned to their Heavenly Father last month, along with the rest of their new family.  The smallpox took all of them.  If it’s any comfort, their passing was quick and, I’m told, painless.

            Please rest assured you will see them someday in Heaven, child.

            If there’s anything I can do to help you, please write me back.  I wish you only the best.

            Sincerely,

            Mary Immaculata

            Mother Superior

Standing, Dr. Walker quickly disposed of the remainder of both meals then hurried out of the mess hall after Lou, Louise.  She found the younger woman huddled in a corner of the barn, hidden behind several large bags of grain.

Crouching down next to her, she took the weeping girl into her arms and just held her, rocking her back and forth.  When her sobs slowed, Mary pulled back and looked down at Lou.

“I’m so sorry, Louise,” she whispered.  “I’m so sorry this happened to you.  I know how hard it is to lose someone you love.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Lou muttered, wiping her eyes dry with the cuffs of her uniform.  “I’ve lost them all, my parents, my siblings, my h… husband, my brothers.  There’s hardly anyone left.  And those that are still alive are risking their lives daily fighting one war or another.”  She sniffed as she tried to straighten her appearance.

“Tell me about it,” Mary offered, settling into a seated position on the straw covered barn floor.  “It helps to share your troubles.”

Lou began to share her story, slowly, haltingly at first… but then the words began to spill forth, almost stumbling over themselves in their eagerness to see the light of day.

“She wasn’t upset you’d found out? Or scared you’d tell?” Buck asked curiously, totally sidetracked from his anger at Dr. Walker’s interruption by this story that filled in some of the blanks left by Lou’s missing diary.

“No,” Dr. Walker said, shaking her head with a smile.  “Honestly, I don’t think she even noticed at first.  Then, I figure she either didn’t care anymore or realized I had nothing to gain from telling and would completely understand her reasoning for staying in hiding.”

“How’d you learn about her death?” Pony Rider asked, coming to stand next to his father, Hawk peering over his shoulder at this stranger.

“I was listed as her next of kin,” Dr. Walker shrugged.  “As she was mine.  That’s why I figure it took them so long to release her to you.  They were looking for me.”

Hawk nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.  But Buck still had more questions.

“That still doesn’t tell me how you found us here.”

Dr. Walker laughed, a silvery, liquid sound despite her advanced years.  “Oh, she told me all about her Express family that first night.  We must’ve spent all night sitting on that hard barn floor talking, sharing everything.  Part of her instructions were to bring her body here to you for burial if she died before you.”

Stepping around the trio of men, ignoring the still chanting Taime priest, Dr. Walker moved toward the table where Lou’s body rested.  Reaching out, she carefully straightened the short hairs on Lou’s forehead.

“We became best of friends, Lou and I.  Then, teacher and student, mentor and mentee.  But you were her family, always and forever.”

Buck stepped up next to the small woman who only came to his shoulder.  “We’d be honored if you’d join us for the funeral tonight at sunset, Dr. Walker.  And if you’d stay with my wife and me afterward.”

**********

Buck held the torch high over his head, looking out over the gathered group of people.  Dozens had dressed in their best to pay their last respects to his… sister… Dr. Louise McCloud.  There were white faces and Indian, male and female, young and old.  It touched him to realize just how many here respected her. 

As the setting sun touched the horizon, Buck began to speak.

“Lou… Louise McCloud came into my life when I was an angry youth with something to prove.  She became a friend, then a sister, accepting me for who I was long before the rest of the world.  She never saw me as red or white, just as friend and brother.  She was the same with our brothers: Ike, mute and scarred from scarlet fever, and Noah, a free black man who carried scars of a much different, though just as lasting, sort.  We all loved her.  Now, I’m the only one of our Express family remaining.  But her memory and legacy will live on with me and mine, so long as there is a Cross on this Earth.”

A chorus of yips punctuated this statement, a pledge from his children and grandchildren not to let her memory die.

Dr. Walker spoke up next.

“I met Dr. McCloud and helped train her into the physician who saved so many of your people during that terrible smallpox epidemic back in the ‘70s.  But she was more than just a student, she was also a friend.”  Mary paused to let the lump in her throat subside before speaking again.  “Dr. McCloud served honorably, first as a Pony Express rider, than as a soldier in Missouri. But after so many years of feeling helpless in the face of death and disease, she decided to become a doctor instead of a fighter.  That’s how we met.  The loss of her siblings to smallpox only confirmed the decision she’d already made.  Life in the Army wasn’t easy for her, but Dr. McCloud felt it was worth it, for the chance to help others.  I honor that choice.”

Another chorus of shouts greeted her words.  Then Hawk spoke.

“I only knew Dr. McCloud a short time.  But it was long enough to save my life!” He choked off a laughing sob, then continued. “But from the beginning he treated me as a member of his family, which,” he paused to look at his grandfather, “I guess I was in her mind.  I’ll never forget not only the medical care she provided, but the time she spent sharing stories of not only her past, but mine with me.  I understand my own family in ways I never would have without her.  All I can say is, ‘Thank you!’”

After another round of chorused agreement, Buck stepped forward along with the rest of the members of his immediate family and together they touched their torches to the fuel piled under Lou’s funeral bier.

Stepping back, they watched the growing flames lick at the darkening night sky.

Letting his tears slowly slip down his face yet again, Buck spoke one final time, “Goodbye Dr. Louise McCloud, Death Fighter, Sister, Wife, Medicine Woman.  You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.  May your ride to the Stars be a safe one.”

**********

Later that evening, when the flames had gone out, the funeral pyre was cooling down and everyone had gone back to their houses, Buck sat in his parlor, the last of Lou’s journals in his hands. Mary Edwards Walker rested in the guest room and Hawk had returned to his parents’ home, since they were eager to have their son back with them.

But the old man decided to stay up alone that night.  He wanted to relive his friend and sister’s life and feel her near him one last time.

Today I ran into Jimmy!  What a wonderful feeling to be back with a part of our makeshift family again! When our family split up, shortly after we said our last goodbye to Noah, it felt like the end of an era.  The losses and trials since then have inevitably kept us separated.

Rachel and Teaspoon probably had the hardest time of all, watching us leave them behind. We were orphans, but they, along with Emma, were like the parents we’d all lost.  I’ve never stopped writing them, though. They are my lifeline to the only family I have left.

I’m happy Teaspoon decided to remarry Polly.  And I just learned from Rachel’s latest letter that she’s being courted by the quiet, gentle Janusz Tarkoski.  I’m glad that at least some of us have found a well-deserved happiness.

I haven’t heard much from Buck since the end of the Express.  But, Rachel tells me he’s met someone down in Oklahoma Territory and is courting her.  I’m glad.  I hope Buck decides to give up the losing battle against the white world.  It’s a fight he knows he can’t win.  I hope that he marries this girl, settles down and raises a big family.  That’s the way to fight for the survival of his people.

It’s been easy to keep track of Cody!  I remember when he used to dream about his adventures showing up in dime novels.  Well, that dream has come true.  And, as ever, Cody continues to write regularly, the only one of my ‘brothers’ to do so.  He and his new wife, Louisa Frederici are doing well, already expecting their first child.  I expect to hear any day now that he’s a father.  Now there’s a sight I’d pay to see!

Married.  With children.  Everyone but Jimmy and me seems to have found someone to share their life with.  I doubt I will ever again.  Despite all my travels and all the men I’ve met over the last few years none has ever made my heart jump and my breath catch the way Kid did.  It seems I will walk through the rest of this life alone.

Jimmy feels much the same way, though.  I never fully realized it until this evening.  I ran into him this afternoon here at Fort Leavenworth.  He was in civilian clothing, wearing a large Territorial Deputy badge on his chest, his trademark pearl-handled Colts riding low on his hips.  If it hadn’t been for them I doubt I would have recognized him beneath that curly mane of hair he’s grown that falls almost to his belt now and a thick, long mustache that touches his chin.

He sure recognized me, though!  When he spotted me, he lifted me – his little brother – in a bear hug that left my feet dangling in the air and my heart racing in fear he would notice the softness of my breasts, despite my tight wrappings.

We found a secluded corner to eat in peace and soon were chatting away as if no time had passed.  It was more like we had just come in from a short ride, and not met for the first time after long years of war and separation. We traded news about the scattered members of our family. He told me that Buck was planning to officially propose to his sweetheart and I surprised him with the news of Rachel’s new suitor.

We joked and reminisced about the old times, but the years of separation, the weight of what he’s lived, are clear in the lines of his face.  I’d hazard a guess mine has aged just as much.  The last few years have been hard on all of us.  Jimmy has matured.  He’s more somber than the hotheaded Jimmy I knew.  He’s no longer the Jimmy who joined the Army with me, intent on exacting revenge for Kid’s and Noah’s deaths.

Whatever he did for the Army during the War, after we were separated, is a sore spot for Jimmy.  I can feel it.  He avoided talking about it and I didn’t ask.  In everyone’s heart there are some old wounds that shouldn’t be touched.  Even today, after all these years, there are some things I can’t think about without dying a little inside all over again.

For Jimmy the worst wound wasn’t caused by the War though. Nor was it  caused by any of the string of women who’ve taken advantage of his soft heart over the years, like that Sarah Downs who almost got him killed! No, it wasn’t any of them who wounded his heart irreparably.

That honor, if I can call it such, belongs to the one who cared about him the most.  It was Emma, our sweet Emma, the first woman after our mothers who cared and looked after us as if we were her sons, who seems to have ruined Jimmy’s chances at happiness.

I never realized how much Jimmy loved her and how he is still unable to forget her. Back in the days of the Express I realized that Jimmy carried a torch for our stationmother, but I thought it was only a schoolboy crush!  After all Emma was several years our senior and, more important, she was in love with Sam Cain.  Jimmy never had a chance with her, but this didn’t keep him from falling, hard, all the same.

I can’t blame him for not being able to let go of an impossible love, though.  At least Jimmy has the comfort of knowing she’s living a happy and fullfilling life, with the man of her choice and children.  He can still see her occasionally, even if he can’t be with her.  I, on the other hand, will never see my love again in this world.  I have only five short days of happiness to carry me through the rest of my life.  Sometimes I wonder just how long that will be?

More than once, I’ve thought about my future, now that the war is over.  I have a bunch of money, because I never got to use what I saved during the Express and I don’t have many expenses here in the Army.

Sometimes I’ve thought about returning to Rock Creek and starting the horse ranch Kid and I dreamed about.  But it just doesn’t seem right without him by my side.  Other times I imagine going somewhere where nobody knows me, dropping my pretense and starting to live as Louise again.  I would be able to live a decent life, though I might have trouble practicing as a doctor.  Maybe I could even find a nice guy, let him court me and start a family.

The sting of the loneliness is hard to bear, I can’t deny it. When I watch the other soldiers reunited with their families, the love in their eyes when they meet their spouses, the way they hug their children as if they were the most precious thing in the world for them, I envy them.

When I return to my cold bunk I, too, long for someone waiting for me at the end of the day. I have lots of friends, like Mary, Rachel and Teaspoon, and the brothers of my heart, Buck, Jimmy and Cody, but it isn’t the same.

My thoughts keep returning to Jimmy.  Re-meeting him after all those years made me realize how much I care about my brother.  We could be good for each other, because he’s as lonely as me. We know each other so well and if I ever find the nerve to tell him the truth he might not turn me down.

The idea of telling him my secrets doesn’t terrify me as it did with Kid, probably because I have less to lose. But, still, I can’t convince myself to do it. Deep down I know it is only a palliative, something we would do to fight off the solitude and it wouldn’t be fair, especially not to Jimmy. I’ll always be Kid’s wife in my heart and, as much as I try, I can’t move on. But I’m convinced he’ll find someone to love sooner or later and I can’t deprive him of that chance.

And, the fact of the matter is, it’s been too long. I no longer know who Louise is.  I wouldn’t know how to find my way back to her.  No, Lou is here to stay.  Just this morning my commanding officer offered me the chance to go study medicine officially at Harvard Medical School.  I think I may take him up on it.  At least that way my life will mean something.  I can help people more as Lou than I ever could as Louise.

Buck looked up from the journal, pausing to take a deep breath.  There was something so sad, so final about the words Lou, Louise, had written that day.  Almost as if she were firmly closing the door on all chances at true happiness, a husband, children, a family.  She’d cut herself off, not only from the chance at romantic love but also from the love of her Express family.

“She wasn’t desperately unhappy all the time.”

Buck turned his head to see Dr. Walker standing in the doorway, leaning against the door jam.

“What?” he spoke, surprised to hear his voice cracking over the single word.

“Judging from your tears, your reading what she wrote on one of her bad days,” Mary said, shuffling into the room to lower herself into the chair next to Buck’s, before the fireplace.  “Most of the time, she was happy with the choices she’d made.  She watched what I went through, and others like me, pioneers who’ve struggled to make a difference in this world for women.  And she always said, she felt like she could do more to help people as a practicing doctor, developing new techniques, spreading knowledge to others, saving lives, than by fighting a battle that couldn’t be won in her lifetime.”

Buck nodded.  Lou’d told him something similar the last time she’d been here, when she’d delivered his firstborn son, Pony Rider, back in 1876.  He’d been over the moon about his baby, but forlorn over having to leave his fight for Indian rights.  She’d told him the best way to win the battle was to live a good life, raise his children to be good people.  She’d been right, he smiled.

Turning to Mary, he whispered, “Thank you.”

She reached out a hand and gently patted his, where it rested on top of Lou’s journal.  “I always considered Lou to be a little sister to me.  And since you were her ‘brother’, I guess that makes us family, now, too.”

“Tell me about her,” Buck begged.  “Tell me about the Lou you knew.  Not the one in the journals, not the boy I rode with, not the girl who loved and lost Kid.  Tell me about the woman who lived to save lives.”

Mary nodded and thought deeply for a moment, gently pushing her rocker into motion.  Then, she began to speak, sharing her memories of Dr. Lou McCloud.

**********

Buck slowly lowered his arms, letting the last sounds of his wailing prayer disappear into the morning air.  He breathed deeply.  He loved nothing so much as meeting a new day with a prayer to the rising sun.  It always left him feeling renewed and refreshed.

Pushing himself to his feet, Buck turned back to his workshed.  He had something to do.  He loved Lou, but this wasn’t where she belonged.

**********

“What are you doing, Grandpa?”

Buck looked up from the small redwood box he was sanding to a high sheen.  He’d lovingly fixed it in the old way, using only small wooden pegs, no metal, to hold it together.  He’d carefully crafted the top so that it slid down securely over the bottom.  Then, he’d carved two figures on horseback into the lid, riding into a setting sun depicted by a knot in the red wood.  Both of them had their arms outstretched toward the other, a mochila suspended in the air between them.  Now, he was carefully polishing the entire thing until it shone in the bright, late morning sunlight.

“It’s for her ashes,” Buck spoke softly, reverently.

Hawk looked at his grandfather questioningly, not understanding.  This was not the Cherokee way.  Nor was it the Kiowa way.  What was his grandfather up to?

“I’m taking her home.”

“But, you’ve already done that,” Hawk protested, coming up to admire his grandfather’s handiwork.

“No,” Buck shook his head sadly.  “I haven’t.  This isn’t her home.  Not really.”

“Then, where is?”

“Rock Creek,” Buck said softly.  “With the rest of her family.  Even if they aren’t all physically there, they all are in spirit.  It’s what she’d want.”

Slowly, Hawk nodded.  He understood what Buck was telling him.  It’s like the Cross motto he’d had drilled into his head from the earliest days of his life.  “Family’s family and Company’s company.  You always put family first.”

“And son,” Buck finally said, “I haven’t said anything to the others yet.  Heck, I’ve just made up my own mind myself.  But, when my time comes, I want you to take me back home, too.  Bury me with my Express family, in the white tradition.  I wish to honor their love for me in that way.”

Hawk struggled to breath over the sudden lump in his throat, staring at his grandfather in shock and dismay.  What Buck had just asked broke with every tradition of both parts of Hawk’s native heritage.  Hawk didn’t know how to respond.  Yet, it was such a Running Buck Cross thing to do.  The young man had spent enough time in the outside world the last few years to understand what his grandfather was asking and wanted.  Hawk could only nod his head, slowly

**********

Three years later…

Hawk stepped back from the freshly turned grave, having just dropped a handful of dirt onto his grandfather’s casket.  Buck had finally gone to join his ancestors the week before.  Morning Star had simply awoken one morning to find he’d died peacefully in his sleep.

Hawk listened as a young woman with long blond hair, Caroline Tarkoski she’d called herself, began to sing an old favorite of his grandfather’s, Aura Lee.

Her sweet voice and the sad words brought tears to his eyes.  He looked around the large graveyard, noting the various markers.  Next to his grandfather’s brand new headstone stood two faded white crosses, the names Ike McSwain and, simply, The Kid, still legible.  Next to that was the stone angel his grandfather had raised to mark Dr. McCloud’s final resting place.  Further away, stood markers for Noah Dixon, Rachel Dunne Tarkoski and Janusz Tarkoski, and Polly and Aloysius ‘Teaspoon’ Hunter.  There were even small honorary crosses raised for plain Billly Cody and Jimmy Hickok, no legends here.  His grandfather had insisted on raising the last two markers three years ago, when they’d brought Lou home.

As the last sweet notes of the song faded into the air, Hawk looked up at the broad, neverending, prairie blue sky streaked with brilliant white clouds. 

“You’re home now, Grandpa.  Tell them all ‘Hi’ for me, won’t you?” he whispered.  “And… ride safe.”

Author's Note:  This was my first attempt at writing a story with someone else.  This piece wouldn't have been half as good without Paola's constant attention to detail and great plot ideas.  Thank you! Let's do it again, sometime soon. 

Sweet Tea

Author's Note:  This is the fourth installment in the Sweetwater Romance series.  It comes after Sweet Pea.  It falls between the episodes Face of the Enemy and The Exchange in season 2.





Kid took a deep, fortifying breath as he swung down off Katy’s back outside the fence in front of Sam and Emma’s new home.  He sure hoped Emma had the answers he was looking for, because coming to her, admitting he needed help, took almost all the courage he had.  He really didn’t like sharing his problems with a bunch of other people.  But things just couldn’t go on the way they had between him and Lou.  Something had to change.


Tying Katy’s reins to the fence, Kid opened the gate and began to make his slow way up the walk to the porch steps.  Taking his time, he looked around, getting a feel for this new place.  It was the first time he’d been to visit Sam and Emma since they’d moved to Fort Laramie.  In many ways, it reminded him of Emma’s place back at the Sweetwater home station.  The tall, stately home boasted a large front yard surrounded by a white picket fence.  Kid paused to admire the roses planted carefully along the base of the porch that wrapped around the entire front of the house.  He could see Emma’s hand in everything from the freshly turned earth around the base of the flowers to the calico curtains edged with handmade lace fluttering in the breeze at each window.


Finally, he forced himself to take first one, then the second step up onto the porch.  He raised his hand and, forming a fist, began to let it fall toward the door. Bam!  Bam!  Bam!  He winced at the loud noise, having hit the wood harder then he’d intended.  But, nothing happened.  No Emma came rushing to the door to see who was calling.  No cheerful sound of Emma’s voice calling out to him to come on in to the kitchen, she couldn’t leave the baking right then.  Nothing.


Kid frowned, suddenly a little worried, and moved to the side of the door, bending over to peer through the window next to it, trying to see past the curtain into the home’s interior.  Maybe Emma was hurt.


Click.


The quiet sound of a gun being cocked, had every last one of Kid’s muscles stiffening in fear and anger, only to relax an instant later at the voice that spoke from behind him.


“Raise ‘em, real slow like!  And turn around so’s I can see just who thinks it’s a good idea ta come poking around my wife’s kitchen like a peepin’ Tom!”


Kid carefully raised his hands and turned around slowly, just as Sam had ordered.


“Sam,” he greeted.


“Kid!” the shocked Territorial Marshal uttered.  “What the hell are you doin’ here?”  Then, in sudden concern, “Is everythin’ all right in Sweetwater?”


“Fine, just fine,” Kid said.  Then added, nodding at the gun Sam still held pointed at him, “Mind pointin’ that thing elsewhere?”


Sam looked down at his gunhand, startled.  “Oops!”


He quickly held his hand out to his side as he carefully levered the hammer back into its resting position and holstered his gun.  Then he rushed forward to envelope Kid in a bear hug.


“It’s good to see you again, then, son,” he enthused.


Kid, still worried about Emma, pulled away from Sam to ask, “Where’s Emma?”


“Oh, she’s off to a quilting bee the next town over.  The Ladies’ Social is getting ready for a wedding next week,” Sam smiled at Kid, obviously taking pleasure in how quickly Emma had integrated herself into the local social scene.  “She’ll be so excited to see you when she gets home for supper.”


“Damn!” Kid muttered under his breath, sinking to a seat on the porch steps, forearms resting on his knees, chin on his forearms.  He let out a long, forlorn sigh.  “I’m only in town for another hour or so.  I just delivered an Army dispatch to the Territorial Governor.  I’m supposed to go back and pick up a reply at 2:00.  I won’t be here for supper.”


Sam looked more closely at the tall, sandy haired Express rider, taking in his slumped shoulders, tired countenance and sad eyes.  Leaning back against the porch post nearest his young friend, he asked, “What’s wrong, Kid?”


Kid just shrugged, not sure if he wanted to, or even could, explain everything to Sam.  A brief smile slid across the Marshal’s face, then disappeared again without Kid’s having noticed.


“Wouldn’t have ta do with a certain letter Emma got not too long ago from Lou, would it?”


Kid looked up at Sam, surprise showing in his furrowed brow and crinkled blue eyes.  Sam laughed.  Reaching out, he patted Kid’s shoulder.


“Oh, don’t worry, Kid.  Emma told me all about Lou’s little secret when we got married.  I’ve gotta say, it was almost a relief to find out.”


Kid relaxed, then nodded. 


“Probably,” he muttered.


Sam moved back toward the door, motioning for Kid to follow him.  “I know you can’t stay long, son, but why don’t you come on in and tell me all about it.  Emma left some of her sweet tea in the cellar.  A nice cold drink and a little talk are just what this situation calls for, I think.”


Kid stood, pulling off his hat to slap it against his leg as he followed Sam into the dark, cool interior of the house.  In what seemed no time at all he found himself seated at the large wooden kitchen table, polished to a high sheen, a glass of Emma’s delicious sweet iced tea, well cooled in the cellar, between his hands, a plate of her best cookies in front of him.  Both the tea and the cookies remained uncharacteristically untouched as Kid laid out all his troubles to Sam.


“I just don’t know what to do, Sam.  I love her,” he finished.  “I love her so much.  But…”  He finally let his voice trail off, unsure what else to say.


“That’s a mighty big ‘but’, son,” Sam smiled at the desolate young man sitting across from him.  Taking a slow sip of his own iced tea, he leaned back in his chair and sighed in appreciation.  “Seems ta me you two put the cart before the horse and got yourselves in a fine tangle.”


Kid didn’t say a word, just ducked his head and blushed beet red.  Sam laughed.


“Well, ya ain’t the first couple ta do so, and I figure, if you two love each other, ya can probably straighten things out.  If yer of a mind to, that is.”


“I am, Sam, I am,” Kid fervently assured him.  “I… Well, I know I messed things up with her.  I just don’t quite know how.”


“I’ll tell ya somethin’ my own Pa told me ‘bout women once, that’s stood me in good stead all these years.  Treat her like a lady.  And, despite how she’s livin’, I can guarantee that’s what she wants, more than anything.”


“But I tried that, Sam,” Kid nearly wailed.  “I tried treating her like a lady and she called me a low down, mealy mouthed coyote!”


Sam, in the middle of taking another appreciative sip of his tea, nearly spewed the cool liquid across the table as Kid’s comment startled an unexpected bellow of laughter out of him.  Once he had himself firmly in control again, Sam shook his head.


“I imagine she did.  See, you got things a mite mixed up.  I didn’t say treat her like a BABY, I said treat her like a LADY,” Sam grinned.  “Lots of men get the two mixed up.  Heck, lots of men think there’s no difference.  Thing is, if you’ve got yer mind set on spendin’ a lifetime with a strong, independent woman like my Emma or your Lou, you’d danged well better learn the difference.  And right quick!”


“How do I do that?”


“First off, find out what she wants.  When you want different things, find a way to compromise.  Ain’t either of ya goin’ ta be completely happy, but at least she’ll feel like ya respect her opinion on things.  And, finally, keep yer hands to yerself until the weddin’ night,” Sam finished with an emphatic glare.


Kid started to protest that he’d only been following Lou’s lead, but Sam held up a hand to forestall him before any words got out of his mouth.


“Oh, I know how those things happen, son,” Sam said in a softer tone.  “And I ain’t sayin’ I never slipped up.  But, she ain’t goin’ ta believe you respect her if you head straight to bed with her.  She’s going to come to think you only want her for precisely that, no matter what you want.  And, sooner or later, she’ll start thinking that’s all she’s good for.  Now, that’s bad news!  Especially for a woman livin’ like yer Lou is.”


Kid nodded slowly, digesting what Sam was saying and what he wasn’t.  Unlike Teaspoon’s advice, this actually made some sense.  This, he could work with.  Suddenly, Kid began to feel hope leaping in his chest.  A slow grin, a real one that spread from ear to ear, made its first appearance of the day.


“I think I can do that, sir,” he said.


“Good,” Sam grunted.  Then, pointing at the plate in front of Kid and the sweet tea in his glass, he added, “Now you make sure to finish those up, or Emma’ll have my hide fer not feedin’ ya proper before a run.”


Both men laughed even as Kid finally dug into the treats in front of him, visions of how he planned to win Lou back dancing in his head.

Sweet Reunion (#5)

Treat Her Like A Lady, Celine Dion
Lady, treat her like a lady
You'll make a good girl crazy
If you don't treat her like a lady


She stopped going to church, she don't wanna go to school
All the girl could want was a little attention
From a man who's strong
Anyone would rather be alone than be used

Kid & Lou's Wedding Video

One of my favorite moments in the series, when Kid and Lou finally arrive where they're meant to be. Despite all their own problems and the problems of the world surrounding them they're ready to pledge their lives to each other, forever.

For Better, For Worse

Author's Note:  This little snippet falls sometime in the scant weeks between the series finale, 'Til Death Do Us Part, and the end of the Express late in 1861.

Music:
*Not Enough, Lacuna Coil
*Once You've Learned To Be Lonely, Reba McEntire
*This is Love, This is Life, Bon Jovi



Lou looked around the table at the forced smiles of her friends, her family, as they gamely chewed the last few bites of the rubbery roast she’d served up for dinner that night.  Jimmy had surreptitiously tossed his biscuits under the table to one of the ubiquitous dogs at the station.  Kid was soaking his in a glass of milk before gnawing off small bites.  Teaspoon was uncharacteristically pushing his food around on his plate, a morose look on his face, without really eating anything.  Rachel had already politely excused herself, saying she had papers to grade and wasn’t really hungry anyway.  Lou was so sick to her stomach she couldn’t bring herself to even take a bite of the latest meal she’d ruined.  So, she just sat there watching everyone else pretend to enjoy the meal not even Cody would’ve willingly downed.

She could feel the frustration building and building in her head, until it felt like her eyes would burst out of their sockets if the pressure weren’t released soon.  Suddenly, it was more than she could take.  With a stifled sob, Lou jumped up from the table, knocking over the bench she and Kid were sharing in the process, tossed her napkin down on her plate and ran out of the bunkhouse.

Letting the door slam behind her, she raced out of the Express yard, out onto the wide open prairie.  She ran and ran, pumping her legs as hard as she could, propelling her body forward, trying to escape the pain that seemed to be squeezing her heart right out through her throat.  She ran until she couldn’t breathe anymore, her aching lungs begging her to slow down and let them fully inflate.

The entire time, tears coursed down her cheeks.  If it were only supper she’d ruined, she could handle that.  But she’d ruined her, and Kid’s in the process, life thinking she could be a ‘normal’ woman.  She didn’t know how to fix things now, not without hurting even more than she was.

Collapsing onto a fallen tree overlooking the creek, she finally let the sobs she’d been struggling to hold back take over.  Her entire body quaked as she cried out all her fears and disappointments to the great big, empty sky.

As she gasped for breath between rounds of body shaking wails, she damned herself.  She’d made the choices that had led her to this lonely spot in the middle of the prairie, all by herself.  She’d thought she’d earned a second chance.  But her second chance was proving to be a disaster!

The thought of what it would take to fix things, leaving Kid, going back to a lonely existence as just plain “Lou”, instead of Louise, brought on a fresh round of laments.  She cursed herself for being so dependent on him for her happiness.  She cursed him for not being there with her when she needed him the most.  She cursed herself for wanting him there to see her at her weakest.  She cursed the world for being so unfair.

Eventually, her energy flagging, the crying jag tapered off to occasional whimpers and quiet tears.  Leaning back on the fallen tree trunk, Lou looked up at the stars starting to appear in the sky above.

“You ready to talk about it?”

Lou jerked at the sound of her husband’s voice.  Sitting up, she quickly began wiping her eyes dry with the backs of her hands, trying to hide the evidence of her despair.

“Wha… what are you doin’ here?” she whispered.

“Well, see, this woman I love more than anythin’ else in the world was upset ‘bout somethin’,” Kid said softly, hunkering down on his knees in front of her, reaching out to still her motions with one hand and using his other to wipe her face dry with a handkerchief.  “I kinda figured it might be a good idea ta find out why.”

Lou looked deep into his comforting blue eyes and suddenly couldn’t keep her misery to herself anymore.

“I’m a faaaaailluuuuureee,” she wailed as a fresh wave of sobs shook her body.  “I’ll never make a decent woman, let alone a good wife or mother!”

Kid gently pulled her against his shoulder and just held her as she broke down again.  He nuzzled her neck, wrapped one arm around her, hugging her tight to his chest, and gently stroked her hair with his other hand.

“Shhhh,” he whispered in her ear.  “No matter how bad it is, there ain’t nothin’ we can’t handle together.”

Lou pulled back to look into his face, horrified. 

“But that’s just it!  We shouldn’t be together!  I ain’t cut out ta be no kinda proper wife to ya.  I ruined my chance at that when I first lopped off my hair and started dressin’ like a boy.  Maybe even before that… when I took that job at Wicks’ place!  Now, I cain’t do nothin’ a good wife should do.” 

Lou pulled away from Kid to stand up and begin pacing back and forth in front of him as she enumerated her deficiencies. 

“I cain’t cook.  I ain’t got the patience ta stay in the house cleanin’ all day. I’m so durned contrary I’m constantly arguin’ with ya, over ever’thin’.  And, Oh God!” she suddenly wailed as another thought hit her.  “What about babies?  I’m hopeless!  I can’t even pin on a diaper right!”

She collapsed back onto the log in defeat.  Kid smiled gently at her, even as he pulled her closer once again, tucking her head into the hollow of his shoulder.  Resting his chin on the top of her head, he looked out over the prairie, not really seeing anything in front of him, but rather Lou as he’d known her over the last couple of years.  Lou riding tall, tall as any man he’d ever known.  Lou fighting and arguing over every little thing right along with the rest of the boys.  Lou determined to do her job as well, if not better, than any of the rest of them.  Lou arguing against the least bit of what she termed coddling.  Lou pushing him when he needed to be pushed, comforting him when he needed comforting, loving him no matter what.  His Lou, so full of life and determination, independence and love.

“Lou, I had my chance at a ‘proper’ woman who’da made me a ‘proper’ wife.  I walked away from her, if you’ll remember.  I wouldn’t know what to do with a wife who never pushed me to be better than I am, who accepted every word that came out of my mouth as if it came from God.  A woman who needed me to constantly take care of her and protect her would be more than I could handle.  I love YOU, Lou,” he said vehemently, pulling back to tilt her chin up so he could look her in the face as he made his declaration.  “I love your temper and your stubbornness and your impatience.  I love everything about you.  And if that means our marriage ain’t exactly ‘normal’, well, so what?  There ain’t a one of us that’s lived in that bunkhouse I’d call normal ta begin with.”

Lou let out a watery chuckle even as she pressed herself closer to him, taking comfort from his tight hold and quiet words.

Unable to meet his eyes, she whispered, “But, what if I never learn how ta cook proper?”

“Well, then we’ll either havta get rich enough we can afford a cook or I’ll havta learn,” Kid laughed.  “And you can muck out the stalls everyday!”

“Promise?” she whispered, a ray of hope breaking through the dark morass of her own doubts and fears.

“I swear.  For better, for worse.  ‘Til death do us part.  Remember, Lou?  I meant what I said.  It took me long enough ta get ya to the altar, I ain’t goin’ ta let ya walk away now!  No matter how many biscuit bricks I gotta eat.”

The couple laughed together.  Lou took the handkerchief from Kid and carefully dried her face, then blew her nose.  Looking up at him, she added mischievously, “Maybe we should just let Jimmy use ‘em fer target practice.”

**********

Teaspoon watched the young couple walking arm in arm back into the station’s yard.  He was glad to see Lou looking so much happier than she had at supper.  He knew she was having trouble adjusting to her new place, here at the station, in town and in Kid’s life.  The changes that came with marriage were hard on any newlywed, but much harder on a free spirit like his Louise.  She’d been so emotional lately, he was really hoping she hadn’t started breeding yet.

The grizzled Marshal sighed deeply, deciding to wait until tomorrow to share his bad news with the young couple.  Things were about to get a lot harder, for them and the rest of the remaining Express family.  Word had come that morning that Russell, Majors and Waddell were shutting down the Express in a couple of weeks.


Thanks to the ladies at the Writers Ranch for another great graphic!

Friends In Low Places

Author's Note:  This story was originally written for the Gapfiller Challenge over at the Writers Ranch.  As always, thanks for the wonderful graphic, ladies!



Summary: She saved his life in Regrets because he once helped save hers.  Yet, he doesn’t remember the night that changed her life forever.


Bad Company

Angel: (staring down at a drunk Jimmy lying on saloon floor) I know you from somewhere. Give me a minute, ‘cause I never forget a face. I know! You’re one of the Express riders out of Sweetwater. My name’s Angel. I worked at the Wild Horse Saloon last year. You don’t remember me, do ya? Come on, let’s get you upstairs. You can sleep it off, some.

**********

Jimmy: Why’re you doin’ this fer me?
Angel: You really don’t remember me, do you? There was some trouble one night at the Wild Horse. Saddle tramp with a broken bottle (reaches up to run pinkie across scars along right cheekbone) … thought I was his missus. Guess he didn’t have much of a marriage. You and your friends, you saved my life.

Jimmy: *nods* *lies back and closes eyes in sleep*

Angel: Sleep tight.



Prologue

He stood there, staring down at her. How could she have betrayed him like this? Tears coursed down his weathered cheeks, tracing white trails through the dust and grime ground into his skin. He’d loved her with every bone in his body. He’d been ready to give up the life of a wandering cowboy for her. Reaching out, he tenderly brushed the blonde curls off her pale forehead. Her still warm skin seemed to burn his hand and he brought it up to his lips, seeking those last traces of her presence.

His look hardened as the cowboy lying next to her teased at the edges of his vision. But she’d rejected him. Laughed in his face and walked off with this… this… two-bit Express rider. Straightening to his full six feet two of height, he kicked the body lying next to her disdainfully.

Well, he’d shown them both. No one got the better of ol’ Matt Trimble. Not even if she was the love of his life, the traitorous whore! And most certainly not if he was some jumped up cowboy with delusions of grandeur.

“Hmph!” he grunted, spitting a stream of tobacco juice into the still face of the dead cowboy.
Turning, he walked out of the small, isolated cabin, never looking back.

**********

“Rider comin’!”

Ike heard the call floating across the prairie moments before he rounded the last bend in the trail and sighted the windmill standing watch over Emma’s house and the home station. He could hear birds chirping as he pounded past them on his horse, startling them out of their secure hiding places. In the distance, one of the dogs at the station started barking excitedly. A few more minutes and this run would be over. He was home.

“Ride safe, Cody! Hey, Ike!” Lou called happily, waiting to grab his horse’s bridle as he came skidding to a halt by the corral after passing the mochila to the chipper blonde. “Did you have a good run?”

Ike shrugged noncommittally. It hadn’t been a good run, but it hadn’t been bad either, just your normal, average, everyday grueling 75 mile galloping race across the prairie. Lou laughed.

“Let me cool down your horse,” she smiled at him, “while you get cleaned up for supper. Emma’s got your favorite, Kid Pie!, in the oven!”

*Yum!* Ike signed, grinning broadly back at Lou. Then both burst into laughter at the joke.

Kid Pie was Ike’s favorite, one of the Kid’s too. Although the main ingredient was actually goat, not the Kid, that didn’t stop any of them from mercilessly teasing their fellow rider about being a cannibal every time he dug in.

*Is Kid home?*

Lou shook her head.

“Naw. He took off East this morning. Won’t be back for a couple days. Go on, get cleaned up. I’m hungry and Cody’s just left which means won’t none of us have to fight over seconds.”

*********

“Pass the spuds, would ya, Buck?” Jimmy asked, even as he stuffed a forkful of Kid Pie into his gaping maw. Lou looked away, disgusted. Emma tut tutted at the sight.

“Chew with yer mouth closed, Jimmy,” Emma warned sternly. “Or you’ll be eatin’ in the barn with the cows!”

Jimmy’s mouth slammed shut and he swallowed the food in it in a single gulp. Looking up, he said, “Sorry, Emma. It’s just sooo good. Sure ya didn’t butcher the Kid this time round?”

“Oh, go on with ya!” Emma laughed, unable to stay mad at the beguiling young man for long. Taking her own seat at the foot of the table, she turned to Ike as she filled her plate. “Anything interesting happen on your run, Ike?”

Ike shoved another forkful of food into his mouth and then started signing rapidly while he chewed.

*Back at the Harper’s Ridge station, all the talk was about Boyd Creese.*

“What’s up with ol’ Boyd?” Buck asked curiously. “Did he finally ask his gal ta marry him? Every other word that came outta his mouth was ‘bout her the last time I was out that way.”

Ike shook his head sadly. *No. He up and disappeared. No one knows where. Left to see his gal after a run and never come back.*

“Maybe he decided to just stay with her,” Jimmy suggested, reaching for the last biscuit on the platter only to have Lou snatch it out from under his hand. “Seein’ as how he was already plannin’ on askin’ her ta marry him and all.”

Lou shook her head, but Buck beat her to the punch.

“Unh unh,” he grunted. “No way. He said he needed to work at least another six months ta be able ta get a big enough grub stake ta buy a place for them. Any other job he coulda gotten would’ve taken three times as long.”

“That’s for sure,” Lou said around crumbs from the last bite of biscuit she’d just consumed.

“Lulabelle,” Emma said, clearing her throat. “You have a napkin for a reason. Use it.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Lou said, ducking her head to wipe her mouth.

*The sheriff said the same thing when they called him in,* Ike signed. *Guess we’ll have ta wait ‘til Kid gets back ta find out what happened.*

Jimmy swiped his spoon across the plate one last time, sweeping up the remnants of his Kid Pie and shoving them into his mouth. He washed it all down with a swish of coffee.

“In the meantime, I’m in the mood ta head inta town,” he said, leaning back from the table. “Anyone game ta come with?”

“Naw,” Buck said, smiling. “I’ve got the first run in the morning. Besides, I’m just not in the mood ta deal with the townsfolk tonight.

“What ‘bout you, Lou? Wanta ride along?”

“I don’t know,” she hedged. “I’m not sure I want ta risk my savin’s, ain’t interested in gettin’ drunk or in spendin’ time with any of the ‘ladies’ there.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” Jimmy pleaded. “You can try yer hand at some poker. Yer gettin’ pretty good. And the last time we were in there, the men playin’ didn’t look like they could beat a 5 year old. Heck, I’ll even spot ya $2 ta get ya started.”

“Oh, alright,” she reluctantly agreed. “I supposed. But I ain’t stayin’ out all night. I may not have a run in the mornin’, but there’ll still be chores ta do.”

“What about you, Ike?”

*Sure,* Ike shrugged. *It was an easy enough run today. I’m not too tired.*

Buck looked at Ike strangely. Every run left them ready for food and a bunk, not always in that order. But he didn’t say anything. If Ike wanted to go into town, that was his business.

Even as Jimmy, Ike and Lou began donning their hats and gunbelts, Emma moved to clear the table.

“You boys be careful now,” she warned sternly, clearly not at ease with their plans but unable to come up with a reason to keep them at the station. They were growing up on her so fast! “Don’t be getting into any trouble, you here? That goes for you, too, Lou.”

“Yes, ma’am,” they dutifully chorused as they trooped out the door.

Ike paused in the entryway to sign, *I won’t let them stay out too late.*

“You do that, Ike,” Emma smiled.

**********

“Whiskey!” he demanded, pounding on the bar.

“Just hold yer horses,” the barkeeper barked back irritably. “I’ll get ta ya when it’s yer turn.”

Turning around to survey the saloon while waiting for his drink, Matt Trimble found his eyes once again drawn to the curvy blonde with the long ringlets moving around the room with effortless grace. He wondered how his Lucretia had ended up working here. She should be helping out down at the school.

He stiffened in anger as she slid into a cowboy’s lap, laughing as she wrapped her arms around the man’s neck.

“Whore.” The epithet slipped from his lips like a rumble of thunder presaging a storm.

“Did you say somethin’?” the barkeep asked, pushing Trimble’s ordered whiskey across the bar to him.

“No,” Trimble said, grabbing the shot glass and downing the burning liquid. Pushing a coin across the bar, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the barkeep’s hand. “Just give me the bottle.”

**********

Tinkling piano music and raucous laughter could be heard tumbling down the main street of Sweetwater as the trio of Express riders cantered into town. Most of the small town’s businesses had closed hours ago, before the sun set. Now, the only places still lit up were the Hotel/Restaurant and the three saloons in town.

“Which one should we go to?” Jimmy asked, looking at his quieter companions.

Lou shrugged. “Don’t rightly care, long’s the barmaids leave me in peace.”

*Let’s go to the Wild Horse,* Ike signed.

Jimmy flashed Ike a baffled look, wondering why he wanted to go there again, then shrugged. “Sure. Why not.”

Soon, all three were dismounting and tying their horses to the hitching post outside the Wild Horse. The clatter of the bat wing doors being thrown open and the cussing of an old saddle tramp had them looking up.

“You don’t watch it, and I’ll cite ya fer public indecency,” Sam warned.

“Ah, Sam, why don’t ya just hire Emma on as a deputy,” Jimmy spoke up. “She’d start washin’ their mouths out with soap. Purty soon ya wouldn’t have ta worry ‘bout no public indecency.”

Sam looked up from where he’d wrangled the protesting saddle tramp into a choke hold.

“Hey, boys,” he greeted. “I’m surprised Emma let you three out on a night like tonight?”

“Just decided ta take a break from playin’ checkers and listening ta the musical stylin’s of Buck’s snorin’,” Lou said.

Sam let out a bark of laughter, before tightening his hold on his prisoner and beginning to march him down the boardwalk toward the jail.

“You three just be careful tonight,” he warned over his shoulder. “Emma’ll have my hide if I let you boys get in trouble and folks is actin’ plumb loco. This is the third drunk I’ve had ta corral in the last hour.” He glanced up at the full moon. “Must be the moon, or somethin’.”

“Don’t worry, Sam, we ain’t lookin’ fer no trouble, just a little fun,” Jimmy said, already heading through the doors and into the saloon.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” came drifting down the boardwalk from Sam’s retreating from.

*Don’t see how this is any different from normal,* Ike signed to Lou, following Jimmy through the doors. Lou just shrugged.

Inside, Ike quickly peeled off, heading toward the dart board at the back of the room. Lou and Jimmy watched him a moment, wondering what the attraction was. He’d spent most of the night there the last time they’d been here, when they’d all visited with Kid’s brother Jed. That had been after they’d left the Silver Dollar over the owner’s attitude about Buck.

Lou nudged Jimmy’s shoulder and pointed toward a table in the near corner with her chin. Four men were seated there with cards in their hands.

“Let’s go,” she said, heading toward one of the two empty seats at the table. Lowering her voice, she asked, “Got room fer two more?”

“Hep yerself,” the grizzled mountain man on her left said, never looking up from his cards. “Buy ye’ll havta wait ‘til the next hand ta be dealt in.”

“That’s fine with us,” Jimmy said, taking the other empty seat, directly across the table from Lou, his back safely snugged up against the saloon wall.

“Can I get you gents anythin’ ta drink while yer waitin’,” a blonde saloon girl asked.

“Two sarsaparillas,” Jimmy ordered, adjusting his Colt to a more comfortable position in the chair and placing a coin on the table. Lou pulled her hat further down over her forehead as she leaned back in the wooden chair and nodded her agreement.

“Comin’ right up,” the barmaid smiled, as she turned back toward the bar, pocketing the coin.

**********

The whiskey burned a path down Trimble’s throat and into his belly as he took another deep swig directly from the bottle.

“Outta my way,” he growled, pushing past several tables filled with laughing, drinking men.

He could barely see the room around him through the red haze of anger growing inside him. How could she? How could she do this to him again?!? First that cowboy, now those two no ‘count kids, who else would she share her company with? All the while ignoring his presence.

She was his wife, dammit! As a husband he had certain rights, granted him by God and Man! It was about time he demanded she do her duty by him!

**********

“Three Kings and two Aces,” Lou said proudly, laying down her cards. “A Full House. Read ‘em and weep.”

“Damnit, Lou!” Jimmy groaned, throwing down his own cards in a fit of pique, even as she stood to gather up her winnings. “I didn’t bring ya here ta clean me out! How’d you do it? Again?”

She grinned up at him insouciantly as she started to neatly stack her winnings in front of her. “Just luck, I guess.”

“Yeah, right,” a tall skinny saddle tramp next to Jimmy muttered, spitting tobacco juice at a can on the floor nearby, and missing. “Five hands since y’all joined the game and every one’s gone either to you or yer little friend over there.”

“Are you insinuatin’ somethin’?” Lou growled, reaching for the butt of her gun.

“I ain’t in-sin-you-ate-in’ nothin’,” the tramp growled, much louder this time. “I’m outright sayin’ it. You two’re cheatin’! I want my money back!”

“If you can’t afford ta lose, ya shouldn’t be playin’,” Jimmy said with a deceptive calm, reaching for the cards and beginning to shuffle them.

“Why you…” the man sputtered, jumping out of his seat and reaching for his gun, only to find himself already facing down an enfuriated Lou, her gun out and cocked.

At the same time, Jimmy’s foot came up under the rails of the man’s chair, tipping it backward, taking the saddle tramp to the floor with it.

Jimmy stood up and grabbed the man by the shoulders, pulling the gun out of his hands.

“You shouldn’t start things you can’t finish,” he growled

“I got ‘im,” Lou said, wrenching the man’s arm up between his shoulders as high as it would go with one hand while shoving the barrel of her pistol into the middle of his back. “Now walk! I’m sure Marshall Cain’ll have plenty of room left in the jail fer ya.”

“I…” Jimmy started to offer to help, but Lou waved him off.

“I got ‘im, Jimmy. Go back to the game.”

Jimmy watched as she marched the man through the swinging saloon doors and out into the night.

“Yer little friend’s quite the spunky one,” the grizzled mountain man spoke around a fat cigar clenched tightly between his teeth.

“Yep,” Jimmy nodded with a modicum of pride.

“Ya gonna keep playin’ or ya gonna go babysit?” one of the young Devlin ranch hands asked irritably.

“I’m playin’,” Jimmy sighed, pulling his chair out and sitting back down.

**********

Ike smiled as he watched Lou march the troublemaker out the doors. Walking up to the dart board, he quickly collected the miniature arrows. He hadn’t found anyone to play with yet, but that wasn’t really why he was here, anyway. Unfortunately, his real reason for coming had yet to come round. Heaving a sigh, he turned and headed toward the bar. He needed a little something to wet his whistle.
Reaching the bar, he slapped his hand on it to get the barkeep’s attention.

“Be right with ya, Ike,” the man said with a smile, already knowing what his order was. Ike had become a near regular over the last few weeks, and the man liked him, even if he couldn’t talk.
“How’d ya do that,boy?”

Ike turned to the tall, scruffy cowboy next to him and shrugged, then looked back toward the busy bartender.

“Hey!” the cowboy exclaimed. “I’m talkin’ to you!”

Ike looked back at the man, confused.

“What’s the matter? Think yer too good ta speak with me?”

Ike shook his head and smiled at the man. Raising his hands to his throat, he shook his head.

Not understanding, the tramp reached out and grabbed Ike’s shoulder, pulling him around to meet his already flying fist.

Ike’s head snapped back as the cowboy’s fist impacted with his left eye.

“Hey!” the bartender protested uselessly. “Take the fight outside!”

The sound grabbed Jimmy’s attention. Looking up he saw the ongoing fistfight between Ike and the strange cowboy. Even as he watched, the pair stumbled over another man’s chair, spilling his beer in his lap.

The new man jumped up in anger. Picking up his chair, he brought it crashing down over the heads of the two oblivious combatants.

Jimmy sighed and put down his cards. Standing up he said, “Excuse me, gents. I’ll be right back.”

Wading into the growing battle, he grabbed Ike’s original assailant and smashed his head ruthlessly against the wall. Immediately Jimmy let go of him, not even pausing to watch as he slid bonelessly to the floor, out cold. Jimmy was already turning to grab the second man, only to chuckle as Ike wrestled him to the floor, pinning him in place.

Looking about, Jimmy could tell the fight had spread to several other tables by now and was well on its way to getting out of control. Stepping back, he pulled his gun and fired a shot into the air.

Everyone in the saloon instantly froze, then peered in his direction.

“I’d suggest y’all drop the theatrics ‘fore the Marshall gets back,” Jimmy said nonchalantly, holstering his Colt. “I ain’t sure how, but I am sure he’ll find room for all o’ y’all in his jail iffen he has ta.”

“If y’all just take a seat and go back ta enjoyin’ the evening,” the bartender added, “the next round’s on the house.”

A rousing round of cheers greeted this announcement, followed quickly by the scraping sound of tables being righted and chairs scooted back into place.

**********

Trimble watched as the slender, muscular gunslinger hefted the unconscious cowboy over his shoulder and headed for the door. He nodded to his slight friend who was just returning as he pushed his way outside.

The laughter had returned to the room, with a renewed, almost forced intensity. Trimble’s eyes roved the room searching for a head of blonde curls, bobbing through the sea of men.

A hand reached out and pinched her behind, getting only a smile and a mild slap in response.
He could feel the anger boiling up and over in his stomach, almost making him vomit. But he kept a lid on it, knowing sooner or later she would come his direction. Then, he’d teach her to ignore her husband!

**********

Ike sank into a chair near the rear of the room, pressing the heel of his hand against his throbbing eye. By morning he’d have a nice shiner. He could tell already. But there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

He looked around, ready to head home now, thinking the trip had been a waste of his time. She hadn’t wanted to talk to him again, after all. He was about to get up when he heard her.

“Howdy, Ike.”

He turned around and there she was. She was about one of the prettiest ladies he’d ever seen. She was his height, maybe a little taller, with piles of thick, curly blonde hair resting gently on top of her head. Her curves perfectly filled out the low-cut bodice of her outfit.

Suddenly shy, he nodded his head in greeting even as he began to inspect the toes of his boots. He should’ve waited and come tomorrow night, after he’d had time to clean up a bit more. His boots sure could use a good shining, he thought inanely.

The feel of her hand under his chin forced his head up. His eyes met hers.

“Oh, that’s turning in to a nasty shiner,” she murmured, concernedly echoing his sentiments of a moment before.

He shrugged self-deprecatingly. It wasn’t like there was anything he could do about it, after all.
She pushed him back into his chair and curled his fingers around a glass of sarsaparilla. He started to shake his head, ‘no’, but she stopped him.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, Ike,” she smiled. “The sarsaparilla’s on the house. Thanks to you and your friends for helpin’ keep the peace tonight. Now, you just sit there while Angel goes and gets you somethin’ ta put on that eye.”

Her hand tenderly swept across his bald head as she turned hurriedly back toward the bar. Ike didn’t move, simply sitting there watching every move she made. Within minutes she was back with a raw steak.

She sat down on his lap and carefully placed the steak over his tender eye. He smiled happily up into her face.

“So,” she murmured, leaning forward to whisper in his ear. “I’ve missed you. You haven’t been around much lately.”

With one hand, Ike imitated a horse running, one of the simplest signs he’d learned and understood by almost everyone. She smiled teasingly.

“You’ve been too busy riding for the Express ta come see me?”

He nodded, matching his grin to hers.

She leaned forward and whispered into his ear, “You still got my little present?”

He blushed almost as red as the boa she’d given him even as he nodded a yes.

“So what do I have ta do ta get ya ta give it back?” she asked slyly.

**********

Trimble sat there, fuming as she made up to that big dummy. He’d seen how the man, boy really, struggled to communicate with gestures, unable to use his own voice. What could she possibly see in that half-man?

He’d show her, he’d show them both, who was the better man!

**********

Lou sighed. Ever since she’d come back from dropping off that drunk at the Marshal’s office she’d drawn nothing but crap hands.

“Lou?”

She looked up into the blue eyes of the barmaid.

“The owner’s offering free sarsaparillas to you and yer friends, over there by Ike. His thanks fer your help tonight.”

Lou nodded. Turning back to the table she tossed down her cards. “Sounds good ta me. My luck here’s ‘bout played out anyway.”

Soon, she was sinking down into a chair next to Ike.

“Nice shiner,” she commented drily.

Ike shrugged, not really looking at Lou. His one free eye remained glued to the moving form of the saloon girl, the other hidden under a piece of raw steak. Lou laughed.

“What’s her name, Ike?”

*Angel.*

“Traitorous whore.”

“What?” Lou asked, turning to the drunk sitting slumped at a nearby table. “Were you talkin’ ta us?”

“I see ya gotta game of dartsh goin’,” the man slurred, stumbling to his feet. “Think ya can beat me? Come on!”

Something about his challenge raised Lou’s brow, but Ike nodded genially and stood, pulling the darts out of his vest. Facing the dartboad, Ike took a steady stance and let fly with the first dart, hitting the bullseye with a satisfying , “thunk!”

Turning, Ike offered the next dart to his opponent with a smile. The man grabbed the dart out of Ike’s hand and, pulling back his arm, let it fly with full force. The dart clipped the edge of Ike’s hat, as it flew past him, pinning the brim to the board.

“Ike!” Angel exclaimed, walking up with Lou’s sarsaparilla.

The cowboy turned, and grabbing the bottle of whiskey he’d been nursing all night, he slammed it against the edge of the table, breaking it into two sharp-edged pieces. Continuing his turn, he wrapped an arm around Angel’s throat, pulling her tight in against his chest.

“I told you I wouldn’t never let ya step out on me again like this, Lucretia,” he hissed at her.

“What?!?!” Angel exclaimed.

“Yer my wife and ya oughter show a little wifely loyalty, woman!”

Angel screamed as he slashed the broken bottle down her cheek, opening a pair of deep, parallel, bleeding scratches along the cheekbone.

“There,” he muttered. “Now ya won’t never forget who ya belong ta. Yer Mrs. Trimble and ye’ll stay Mrs. Tri–”

He suddenly slumped forward, taking Angel to the floor with him, sarsaparilla dripping down into his eyes. Lou stood looking down at him, her mug held in the air ready for another swing, a spot of blood on the bottom of it from where she’d slammed it into the drunk’s head.

Ike rushed forward to pull a sobbing Angel out from under her groggy, semi-conscious captor. Feeling her slipping away from his grasp, Trimble scrambled for his gun. Pulling it, he pointed it at Ike and Angel and cocked the hammer back.

“You give her back, ya vermin, or I’ll do you like I did the last fella thought he could steal my wife!”

“I don’t think so,” Jimmy said matter of factly, bringing the butt of his Colt down with extreme force. “I think it’s time ta put ya out of our misery.”

“Thank you,” Angel sobbed. “Oh, thank you.”

“Ike, why don’t ya take her to the doc’s ta get them cuts seen to?” Lou suggested. Bending over she reached out to grab the drunk’s arms. Looking up at Jimmy, she prompted, “Well? I cain’t ‘xactly carry him by myself.”

**********

Ike moved slowly down the boardwalk, half leading, half carrying the injured Angel.

“Oh, Ike, why?” she moaned. “Why?”

Ike shook his head, trying to indicate he didn’t know, but she wasn’t paying any attention. Keeping her hand pressed to her bleeding cheek, she kept muttering.

“I’ll lose my job. No one’s goin’ ta want a scarred up has been servin’ drinks.”

Ike pulled her in against his chest, hugging her tight.

Leaning back, she looked up at him and smiled wanly. “Here I am complainin’ when I should be celebratin’.”

Ike frowned his question at her.

“I could be dead right now. I would be, if it weren’t fer you and your friends. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able ta thank you.”

“Just pass it on,” Jimmy grunted, as he and Lou shouldered past the pair, lugging her unconscious attacker between them. “Someday, some time, somewhere, you’ll get the chance ta do somethin’ for someone else. Pass it on.”


Epilogue

“Barnett, you got that new shipment of wanted posters over there?” Marshall Sam Cain asked.

He’d had a long night. His jail cells were filled to overflowing with all the drunks and locos he, and those Express boys of Emma’s, had picked up. They sure had been a wonder, not to mention a lot more help than his paid deputy! Now, he wanted to check the names and faces in his cells against the latest wanted lists.

“Right here,” Barnett said, shuffling over with the stack of papers in his hand. “Just come in this mornin’.”

“Thanks,” Cain muttered, taking the posters. Looking up at the exhausted Barnett, his face softened. “Why don’t you head on home. Saloons are closed for the night. I think we’re done here.”

“If you’re sure,” Barnett asked, already backing toward the door.

“Wouldn’t have said it if I weren’t sure.”

Flipping through the pile of papers, Cain stopped at one from Harper’s Ridge and read through it twice. Holding it up, he walked over to the cell and matched the drawing with the face of the last man Jimmy and Lou had brought in.

“Well dang,” he muttered out loud to himself. “Look’s like I owe them two a steak dinner. And $100.”

The poster was for Matt Trimble, wanted dead or alive for the murders of Boyd Creese and his sweetheart Tabitha Beville.


Author’s Note: Thanks to Mercy and Paola for suggestions that made this story infinitely better, in my opinion.

Sticking It Out

This story was originally written for the True Grit challenge at the Writers Ranch.  A big thanks to the ladies there for the graphic!

Author's Note:  This moment occurs at the beginning of the season 1 episode Hard Time.



Jimmy: “What happened ta you?”

Lou: “The wind was kickin’ up in the salt flats.”


Pa pum! Pa pum! Pa pum!

The sound of her horse’s hooves flying across the salt flats rang in Lou’s ears. Each body-elongating stride stirred up more of the *gritty* grains. Not that it mattered much anymore. Her clothes were almost white they were so coated in the stuff.

About five minutes after she’d entered the flats the wind had started howling, pushing the *grit* ruthlessly into every orifice and crevice of her body and clothing, pasting it there until it felt more like a part of her than her own skin.

Pa pum! Pa pum! Pa pum!

She squinted trying to keep her eyes as nearly closed as possible, letting her eyelashes filter the grey *grit* out. Unfortunately, it was too late for her mouth. She could feel the salty grains grinding between her teeth as she gasped for breath, almost as desperate for fresh air as her horse.

Pa pum! Pa pum! Pa pum!

Her heartbeat kept rhythm with the horse’s galloping steps, each one taking her closer to the end of this torture. She *gritted* her teeth and hung on. Just a few more miles, she thought, and it would all be over. At least for today.

Pa pum! Pa pum! Pa pum!

She found herself drifting off into a daydream of a hot, clean shower when she got back. The sound of the sprinkling drops of water replacing the pounding hooves. The sweet, fresh liquid soaking the salt and *grit* out of her skin, leaving it wrinkled and pink again.

Pa pum! Pa pum! Pa p…. Thud!

A spray of the *grit* that inhabited her nightmares flew skyward as her body impacted with the hard, grayish white ground. Her hat fell off her head and dangled by its chin strap against her back. She looked down at her hands as she lifted them off the ground, inspecting the newest scrapes, already leaving reddened slashes through the white coating of salt.

Pa pum. Pa pum. Pa pum.

The sound of her horse slowly returning to find out why she’d dropped out of the race they were running brought her out of her reverie. With a determined grimace, she stood, vainly attempted to brush herself off, then flung herself back into the saddle, spurring the horse once again into motion.

She’d known it would take *grit* to stick it out on this job. She just hadn’t realized that would mean literal *GRIT.*

Pa pum! Pa pum! Pa pum!

Sweet Pea

 Author's note:  This story comes after Bittersweet in the Sweetwater Romance series.  It falls between the episodes Face of the Enemy and The Exchange in season 2.

This is Part 3 of the Sweetwater Romance series.





Lou stood on the bunkhouse porch, wearily watching the antics of her brothers as they tossed Teaspoon’s baseball around in a game of keepaway, trying to bring a bit of normalcy back to Buck's life after his recent brush with the Army.  But there was nothing 'normal' about Lou's life right now and even Cody’s normally amusing behavior was grating on her. 

She snuck one hand into the pocket of her jacket, fingering the letter she’d just finished writing.  She’d tried following the advice of those around her, but none of it had worked.  Jimmy, Teaspoon, Rachel, Buck, even Ike and Noah had all failed to help, some more spectacularly than others, Lou thought sourly.  Hopefully an answer would come soon.  All this worry and confusion was giving her a headache to go with what seemed like a never ending heartache.

“Rider comin’!”

The familiar call rang out across the yard in Rachel’s dulcet tones.  Lou grabbed her hat off the bench behind her and jammed it on her head, already racing toward her horse.  Rachel was already there, holding the horse’s bridle to keep it calm while Lou vaulted into the saddle.  Lou stiffened, not wanting to take her current mood out on her friend.  Rachel had only been trying to help. It wasn’t her fault Lou had messed things up.

As Lou leaned forward to grab the reins, Rachel whispered up to her, “Lou, I know you’ve been avoidin’ me.  Avoidin’ all of us.  Please, Sweet Pea, you gotta talk ta somebody.  If not one of us, then who?”

“I’m alright, Rachel,” Lou muttered, refusing to meet the older woman’s gaze.  “Stop worryin’.”
Pulling the reins to the side, Lou turned her horse and started him galloping across the yard to meet the incoming rider and accept the pouch.

**********

“Emma!  Emma!”

“Quit yer caterwaulin’, Sam,” the slim redhead muttered stepping out of the kitchen onto the porch of the large house she shared with her still newly minted husband, Territorial Marshal Sam Cain.  Wiping her hands dry on her apron, she watched her tall, handsome man bound up the porch steps two at a time.  “Now, what’s so all fired important I could hear ya callin’ fer me half a town away?”
Sam leaned in to peck her on the cheek before pulling his hat off with one hand and holding out a sealed envelope in the other. 

“You’ve got mail,” he said, flashing her his expansive ‘I’ve just hung the moon for you’ smile.
Reaching out to take the missive, Emma asked, “Who’s it from?”

“Well, ain’t no name on it, but it’s got an Express mark,” he grinned down at his new wife, reaching up to brush a few flyaway curls back behind an ear, still slightly amazed she’d finally given him the right to do that in public.  “Figure it must be from one of the boys.”

A frown wrinkled Emma’s forehead as she contemplated the letter while turning back toward the kitchen and the dinner she’d left bubbling on the stove.  The note wasn’t from Jimmy, he didn’t write often but she’d recognize his handwriting in a split second.  Nor was it from Teaspoon.  It was too clean for that.  It wasn’t the fancy paper Cody favored, nor the drawing paper Ike generally used.  Buck never wrote.  That left just the Kid or Lulabelle.

Emma let out a deep, mournful sigh and grabbed a knife.  She quickly slit the envelope open.  Coming from one of those two it couldn’t be good news.  She’d heard enough from Teaspoon’s short notes to know that without reading a word of this letter.  Carefully pulling out the single sheet of ultra thin paper, Emma shook her head.  Lulabelle, she thought.  Only her Lulabelle would’ve been so careful about the weight, and thus the cost, of the letter.

“Well?” Sam asked, resting his hands on her shoulders and leaning in to press his cheek against hers as he peered at the letter.  “Who’s it from?”

“Lou,” Emma answered with a smile.

“So, what’s your girl rider got ta say?” Sam asked, still a bit miffed Emma’d had to tell him about Lou’s secret.

“Hmmm, lemme see here,” Emma murmured as she scanned the letter, her heart sinking with every word.  Slowly, she sat down at the table, letting the letter fall to its finely polished surface.

“Uh oh,” Sam said, watching as her face paled with every word.  “Doesn’t look good.”

“Why that….” Emma gasped, suddenly outraged at something she’d just read.  “How dare she!”

“Um, I think I need ta get back ta the office,” Sam said, holding both hands in the air and slowly backing away from his wife who’s temper was quickly reaching full boil.

“Ooooh!  I oughta…!” So incensed was she, Emma couldn’t even finish her thought.  She never noticed Sam’s cautious retreat.  She was too busy reading about Lou’s recent problems.

I thought we were ready to move on.  So did Rachel.  She even helped us find the time and place for a little privacy.  But, Emma, things didn’t work out so well and now I think I may have lost the Kid for good.

I thought he loved me for me.  But, after we got ******

Emma paused to wonder at the blotted out word before continuing to read.  She was pretty sure what her Sweet Pea was hinting at and it made her blood boil.  To know that the one adult female influence left on Lulabelle had actually encouraged such activity made her so angry she felt moved to violence.

…close, he started treating me different.  Constantly trying to protect me, change me it seemed.  I ain’t ready to be that woman yet, Emma.  I tried to tell him, but he thought I was rejecting him.  Now, it feels like I’ve lost the only man I’ll ever love.

Please, Emma!  I’m so scared.  I can’t imagine life without him.  What if he’s in love with this other woman?  This Samantha?  I know she’s left town, but…

I sent him away because I thought he deserved someone better than me.  I couldn’t stand for him to think me weak, but the truth is, I am.  I can’t go on without him, Emma.  What do I do?

Emma shook her head as she read through the short, tear stained letter a second time.  How had those two managed to mess things up so badly in the few short months since she and Sam had left town?  Taking a deep breath to rid herself of her anger at this Rachel who’d encouraged her Sweet Pea to make such disastrous decisions, Emma stood up to pull out paper and a pen.

Removing the pot from the stove so it wouldn’t burn, Emma turned to more urgent business, straightening out the mess her Lulabelle had gotten herself into.

**********

“Where’s Louise?” Teaspoon huffed as he sorted through the mail marked to stop for distribution in Rock Creek.

*She’s out in the barn doin’ chores,* Ike signed, a questioning look on his face.  *Why?*

Teaspoon held out a letter to Ike.  “She’s got mail.  Care ta deliver it fer me?”

*Sure,* Ike shrugged as he stood up, setting aside the boot he’d been polishing to accept the letter.  Looking down at the address he recognized Emma’s swirling handwriting.

Moments later, Ike peered into the depths of the barn.  He knocked rapidly three times against the barn door, the alert signal he’d set up with the other riders for when he needed to get their attention.
Lou stepped out of Lightning’s stall, a curry comb held loosely in one hand.

“Yes, Ike?”

Ike held out the letter. 

*You’ve got mail,* he awkwardly signed with his one free hand.

Lou looked startled for a moment, then suddenly excited and scared simultaneously as she rushed over to grab the envelope from him, dropping the curry comb to the ground in her hurry.  With barely an acknowledging nod for his delivery, she turned her back on him and disappeared once again into Lightning’s stall.  The stall door closed firmly behind her, shutting Ike out and Lou in.

A bewildered Ike bent over to pick up the dropped curry comb and moved back to the tack room to carefully put it away.  Shaking his head, Ike contemplated Lou’s odd behavior, coming to the conclusion he’d never understand girls.

Inside the stall, Lou leaned against the wall, breathing deeply, trying to calm herself.  She was eager to know what Emma had to say, but scared to death at the same time.  What if Emma told her to give it up, that she’d ruined everything and should just move on, like some of the boys and Rachel seemed to think she ought to do?  Lou wasn’t sure if she could handle it.

Sliding down along the wooden panels of the stall door, Lou finally sat on the hay covered ground.  Lightning moved over to nudge her with his muzzle, tickling her with the whiskers sprouting from his satiny soft nose, silently asking her what she was doing all the way down there.

Tears in her eyes, she pulled his head close, hugging him for comfort.  After a moment though, the horse shifted his weight and pulled away, moving toward his feed trough.

Sniffling, Lou wiped her face dry with the cuff of her shirt, then carefully slipped one finger into the envelope, tearing it open.  Pulling out the paper, she smiled wistfully as the smell of Emma’s Lemon Verbena scented water wafted up from it.  She’d give just about anything to have Emma here by her side right now.  The only one she wanted sitting with her more at the moment was Kid.

Timidly unfolding the paper, Lou began to read.

My darling Lulabelle,

I can’t say as I approve of some of the decisions you’ve made, but they were yours to make, not mine.  Lord knows I’ve made my own share of mistakes.  But they don’t have to be the end of the world.  Unfortunately, whether they’re the end of your relationship with Kid doesn’t just rely on your feelings.  It takes two to make things work.

Lou felt herself stiffening in rejection of the words she was reading.  There had to be a way to get Kid back.  There just had to be.

But there is hope, my Sweet Pea.  I’ve been where you are.  There was a time I thought I’d completely ruined any chances at a relationship with Sam.  You know how that worked out.  What you don’t know is how much work it took for us to get to where we are today.

Relationships aren’t easy, my dear.  And they start with sharing everything about yourself with him.  I know you’ve got secrets.  All you ‘boys’ did.  And I know there’s something you’re still holding back from all of us.  It’s up to you when and with whom to share it.  But, honey, until you do, you won’t be able to move on.

Lou sighed.  She knew exactly what Emma was talking about.  She’d almost told Kid a dozen times about that night.  But then she’d look into his eyes and imagine the disgust that would replace the love in them once she revealed her deepest, darkest secret and she’d chicken out.

But first, you’ve got to tell him what you’re feeling right now.  You shouldn’t be running to me, Jimmy, Teaspoon or even this Rachel woman…

Lou smiled as she could feel venom dripping from Emma’s pen in the shaky lines that formed the letters of Rachel’s name.

…when things are getting tough or you have a problem with Kid.  You need to tell him.  Tell him what you’re feeling..  Tell him what you’re scared of.  Tell him your hopes and dreams.  The truth can only set you free, it can never make you weak, only stronger.  Doubts and fears shared are doubts and fears halved.  And if you want to have a lifelong relationship with Kid, you’ve got to start sharing them with him.

Lou sighed as she felt things slipping into place, her stomach muscles relaxing, her headache slowly disappearing from behind her eyes as she accepted the truth of Emma’s words.  Yes, she should talk to Kid.

Rapidly reading the last few words, Lou smiled as she jumped to her feet.  Moments later she came barrelling into the bunkhouse, calling out Teaspoon’s name.

“Teaspoon,” she gasped, out of breath from her sprint across the yard, “where’s the schedule?”

Teaspoon frowned at her in annoyance.  He hated being interrupted while doing paperwork.  With a jerk of his chin he pointed at the paper posted on the wall next to the stove. 

“Right over there, like always,” he grumped.

Hustling over, Lou ran her finger down the schedule, looking for Kid’s name and hers.  Dang!  It would be a couple weeks before they were back at the station together.  He was on a special run to Fort Laramie and wouldn’t be back until after she left on her next run.  Well, that would give her time to think, figure out what to say and gather her courage to approach him.

One way or another, she was determined to reach out and just prayed he accepted the love she had to offer.


Tell  Him, Celine Dion/Barbra Streisand

I'm scared
So afraid to show I care
Will he think me weak
If I tremble when I speak
Oooh - what if
There's another one he's thinking of
Maybe he's in love
I'd feel like a fool
Life can be so cruel
I don't know what to do

I've been there
With my heart out in my hand
But what you must understand
You can't let the chance
To love him pass you by
Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Tender words so soft and sweet
I'll hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself
Touch him (ooohh)
With the gentleness you feel inside(I feel it)
Your love can't be denied
The truth will set you free
You'll have what's meant to be
All in time you'll see
ooohh
I love him(then show him)
Of that much I can be sure(hold him close to you)
I don't think I could endure
If I let him walk away
When I have so much to say

Love is light that surely glows
In the hearts of those who know
It's a steady flame that grows (oh ooh oh oh)
Feed the fire with all the passion you can show
Tonight love will assume its place
This memory time cannot erase
Your faith will lead love where it has to go

Tell him
Tell him that the sun and moon
Rise in his eyes
Reach out to him
And whisper
Whisper words so soft and sweet
Hold him close to feel his heart beat
Love will be the gift you give yourself

Sweet Tea (#4)

A Bowl of Grits

Author's Note:  This story was written for the True Grit challenge at The Writers Ranch, word: Grit.  It falls in the middle of my book, Fighting For Love.











Virginia, 1864

“You’s lucky taday, Lieutentant,” Isaac, the older black slave who acted as the unit’s cook smiled at Lou and Kid as they shuffled through the chow line.  He proudly held up a dipperfull of their breakfast as his broad smile gleamed like a slash of white in the early morning dark.  "We’s got *grits* fer breakfast!”

With the excited pronouncement he slopped a heaping serving into Kid’s outthrust bowl, a slightly smaller one into Lou’s.

“There’s even butter ta go with ‘em!”

“Bully!” Kid exclaimed, already lifting the first spoonful to his mouth in almost worshipful adoration.  Lou trudged along after him, hardly daring to look down at the white goop that now inhabited her bowl.

Slumping down into her seat by the morning fire, she stared into her dish, unenthused by the meal of ground up corn, boiled with salt and butter.

Since following Kid to Virginia at the beginning of the Civil War, she’d eaten a lot of foods she’d rather not have, flavorless biscuits and gravy, greasy chitlins, slimy collard greens… but the worst of the lot was *grits*.

In her opinion the name said it all.  *Grits*.  The texture of the ground corn swirling around in her mouth was almost identical to the feel of all the trail dust she’d eaten during their Express years.  But at least then it hadn’t been voluntary and no one had even pretended she should enjoy the experience.

“Might as well call it dirt fer breakfast,” she muttered to herself as she tentatively dipped the tip of her spoon into the bowl, swirling it around in the grayish white mush.  She’d skip the meal completely, but it was better than boiled hardtack, which was what they’d had for breakfast yesterday.  And far and away better than nothing, which is what they’d have tomorrow unless the foragers got lucky again.

Finally, with an internal groan and a nearly visible shudder, she slowly… oh so slowly… lifted a spoonful of the porridge to her mouth… and poured it down her throat as quickly as she could, doing her best not to taste the cereal or even feel it.

“Ugh, *grits*,” she sighed.

“Yum!  *Grits*,” Kid enthused, standing up.  “I’m gonna go see if there’s enough fer seconds!”



Author's Note:  As always a big thanks to the ladies at The Writers Ranch for their wonderful graphic.  I could never have done it!  =)

Bittersweet

Music: 
When The Lights Go Down, Faith Hill

Author's note: This is a sequel to Sweet Talking.  It occurs during the episode Old Scores in season 2.

This is Part 2 of the Sweetwater Romance series.



Kid sighed as he slumped down against his saddle and grabbed the plate of beans Lou handed him.  He started to smile at her before remembering, remembering she wasn’t his anymore.  Instead, he nodded his thanks and began to shovel the first bite into his mouth so he didn’t have to look at her.  He gagged, nearly spitting the beans back out as fast as he’d spooned them in.  But, his stomach was starting to eat into his backbone so he forced himself to chew and swallow.

“Where’s Cody?” he asked, to have an excuse not to take a second bite.

“Said he’d take first watch for the monster,” Noah answered, a laugh in his voice.

Kid nodded, staring off into the darkness surrounding their makeshift camp, ignoring his plate.  He wished every day could be like this one had been.  It had been so sweet to work with her again.  He’d missed her at his side.  Even now, he could feel Lou seated next to him, nearly bouncing in her seat in excitement at the adventure they’d all undertaken, to find the town’s mysterious monster.

He felt like grabbing her hand to still her exuberant motion, but forced himself to quiet stillness instead.  He had no rights to her anymore.  She’d made that clear.  But today had given him hope that could change.  He’d already decided he couldn’t let things go on the way they had.  He needed to win her back.  Now he felt more sure than ever he still had a chance.  The only question was how to go about it.

The sound of Jimmy spitting out his latest bite of their supper, poked at the edge of Kid’s consciousness, though not as loudly as the woman moving happily beside him.

“What I don’t understand is how a simple can of beans can taste so bad?” Jimmy grumped, tossing a spoonful of said beans into the fire.

“For starters,” Noah commented drily, “you mixing up the mustard and molasses didn’t help.”

Kid chuckled at their antics.  It was no wonder Cody had uncharacteristically offered to skip supper.

“I don’t know, I think it was when the top came off the pepper jar,” he added, picking out a particularly highly seasoned spoonful and tossing it behind him.

**********

Lou stared down into her plate of beans, absentmindedly pushing them around a bit, unwilling to take another bite.

She was tired, physically and mentally, but in a good way.  A smile flirted with the edges of her mouth.  This last day had been the best she’d had in what seemed like forever.  The best since that day in the barn when she’d said that stupid little two letter word.  Today had almost been like before, when they’d all been the best of friends, brothers and sisters, sometimes a bit more.

It had been a long day searching for this monster that spit stinky, greenish slime at people.  But what had kept her energized was the presence of the man at her side.  She snuck a glance at him, pushing the beans around on his own plate, a grimace on his face.

Ever since she’d turned him down, they’d done their best to stay out of each other’s way.  Teaspoon had unwittingly helped, sending them on runs in the opposite direction as much as possible, trying to keep peace in the bunkhouse.  That was until her run to Willow Creek with Jimmy.  After almost getting hung, she’d needed a few days to recover.  Those had been tough, watching Kid mourn over what might have been with that… that… schoolteacher, she mentally sneered, he’d almost gotten himself killed over.

During the days the charade that they were just friends hadn’t seemed so hard, at least as long as they kept their minds on their jobs and sort of pretended the other one simply wasn’t there.  Not really talking, barely interacting, certainly not acting like the friends he’d said they’d be.  But it was getting harder all the time to keep that up.

She missed Kid in ways she’d never expected. His smiling face waiting for her at the end of a run, concern written in his furled brow if she was running late for some reason.  His readiness to help her out with any project or chore.  His simple presence at her side through so many adventures.  Now, even when he was there, he wasn’t.  Not really.  It was… hard.  And she had no one to blame but herself, she thought bitterly.

She’d come to live for those days when she had an overnight run and got to spend the night at another station.  Because it was in the dark, after the lights were gone, that she couldn’t hide from herself any longer.  She had to face the truth of what she’d done, what she’d lost because she hadn’t been able to get past her fears and her pride.  She wished she’d been able to explain herself better to him. Maybe he might have understood, if she’d had the guts to share the complete truth with him.

When the truth is all you have left, you spend a lot of time examining it.  And that had led to too many tears to count.  She flicked her eyes quickly past Jimmy, reminded of her breakdown on that last run with him and shamed by it.  She’d thought she was stronger, one of the boys by now.  But being without Kid had left her weak.  She couldn’t understand it.

At the end of the day, she was left with nothing to do but examine the past.  Her actions.  His.  Trying to figure out what had gone wrong.  It wasn’t just her bed that was empty now, it was her heart and her head.  And that emptiness seared her to the bone and left her questioning everything she’d thought she’d known.  Going another round with herself and her pride.  Should she try to change things?  Fix things?  Or should she just let him walk away?

But these last couple of days had been different.  She’d found herself nearly constantly by his side, the two of them subconsciously reverting to the team they’d become, before.  They’d been so busy, so concentrated on their goal, neither had had a chance to think about their hurt feelings, their mistakes.  Almost by habit they’d fallen into old cadences and behaviors.  It had felt so right.

She took another, tentative, bite of her beans and shook her head in disbelief.  Even she couldn’t have messed up dinner this badly.  Only Jimmy could have ruined the meal worse than she could.

Happily bobbing her stretched out feet back and forth in front of her, Lou looked across the fire at Jimmy and Noah, getting a good look at Kid out of the corner of her eye in the process.  She could see the toll the day’s activities had taken on him in the tightness of his shoulders, hear it in the tone of his voice as he complained about the beans. 

But, he was there, sitting right next to her.  And it had been his choice, his alone.  He’d been acting all day as if they were the best friends they’d been before.  It gave her a sweet sense of hope.  Maybe they could go back to the beginning… maybe they could start all over again.  Maybe… maybe she should write Emma for some advice.  She certainly hadn’t done very well on her own, or following Rachel’s lead.  Time to try….

A sudden howling interrupted her bitter reverie.  Already tense, she immediately reached for her pistol as she began to scan the brush.

“Shhh!” she hushed the others.  “ Cody?  Cody?”

**********

“When the lights go down” Faith Hill

When the lights go down
 And there's nothing left to be
 When the lights go down
 And the truth is all you see

When you feel that hole
 Inside your soul
 Wonder what you're made of
 Well we all find out
 When the lights go down

When the lights go down
 At the end of the day
 With this game that I play
 Has gone another round
 As I lay there alone in this big empty bed
 Nothing but thoughts of you in my head
 I think of the things that I wish I had said
 When you were still around

When the lights go down
 And there's nothing left to be
 When the lights go down
 And the truth is all you see

Sweet Pea