The Courtship of Jamie McCloud, chapter 7

Chapter 7

Jamie looked down at the list in his hands, double checking to make sure he had everything on it they’d need out at the ranch for the next week.  Coming in to Tompkins’ store for supplies, even though the old man had retired and turned the business over to his son a few years ago, was never Jamie’s favorite activity.  Alfred Tompkins may have had his mother’s height and muscular build, but there was no doubt he was his father’s son, through and through.  A more irascible, grumpy, curmudgeonly, skinflint couldn’t be found this side of the Mississippi.

His eyes stopped as he checked the list against the prices written in a skillful hand on the chalkboard behind the counter.  Ouch.  The price of potatoes had gone up again.  Maybe he should drop them from the list.  They could survive without spuds for a few weeks, give Tompkins’ time to re-think his price hike. Besides, Jamie thought grimly to himself, he didn’t feel the need to provide Abe with any of his favored foods.  No reason to make the damned interloper feel any more at home than he obviously already did.  No telling how long he was going to stick around, anyway.  A little discomfort might make him move on that little bit faster.

The tinkling of the bell over the door at the front of the store drew his attention.  He turned and watched as Julia and her sisters, Rose and Victoria, wandered into the mercantile, chattering and laughing like a flock of magpies.

A smile softened the potentially harsh planes of his face as his eyes caressed hers gently.  He hadn’t seen her, deliberately, in a couple of days and he’d missed the sight.  But just the thought of her with her college ‘friend’ was more than he could handle.  He’d have lost it if he’d had to watch them together, too.  Much like Tompkins, he’d inherited his father’s temper, complete with explosive anger and, apparently, extremes of jealousy.

“Hm hmmm.” 

Jamie flushed at the sound of Tompkins clearing his throat from behind the counter and quickly turned back to face the storekeeper. 

“Is that it?” Tompkins asked acerbically.

Another quick glance down at the paper in his hand and Jamie nodded. They wouldn’t be needing any potatoes for a couple weeks, at least.

“Just put it on our bill,” Jamie said.  “We’ll pay up, end of the month, as always.”

Tompkins barely spared him a glance as he rapidly calculated the total in his head, his pencil waving aimlessly in the air as he did so, then wrote it down in a big, black ledger he’d pulled out from under the counter.  Looking up, he nodded to a young boy stocking a nearby shelf. 

“Hollis there’ll load this up in your wagon,” he said.

Jamie nodded and turned, the chatter of the three Cross girls still ringing in his ears. He started to walk toward them, thinking to maybe catch Julia alone for a moment.  But he checked his motion when he saw Abe walk around the corner of the aisle behind them and hold something out to Julia, who looked down at it and blushed through a laughing smile.

Feeling his stomach sink to his toes, Jamie turned and walked down the next aisle, straight toward the door, as fast as he could.  In his hurry he never saw Rose’s glance in his direction or the hurried, whispered conversation that followed.  Nor did he see the stricken look on Julia’s face as the door closed firmly behind him.

**********

Julia had truly enjoyed the last couple of days with Abe visiting.  It had almost been like having the carefree days of her college years back again, a time when she didn’t have to worry with every word, every action that her entire future, her every chance at happiness was at stake.  She’d be sorry to see him go.  But there’d been a cloud hanging over her the entire time.  Jamie hadn’t looked at her twice since Sunday dinner.  And any time she came into a room, he left it immediately.    She couldn’t figure out what she’d done, again, to make him turn away.

“Look, he’s here,” Victoria crowed.  She pushed her sister gently, teasingly on the shoulder.  “You should go pin him down before he can escape.”

Julia hid her pain and laughed at her sister’s joke. 

“Miss Julia?”

Abe’s deep baritone interrupted her morose thoughts and she turned to him with a welcoming smile, glad for the reprieve.

“There you are,” she greeted him.  “All ready?  The stage should be here any minute.”

Abe nodded and pulled one hand out from behind his back.  “Almost.  I just wanted to give you a small token of my appreciation, for your hospitality these last few days, and your friendship these last few years.  You have no idea what they’ve meant to me.”

He stared deeply into her eyes, almost urgently, as he spoke.  She fought the urge to squirm away from his penetrating gaze.  To escape, she lowered her head and looked at the small, gaily wrapped package he was handing her.  It was obviously a bottle of the expensive Wright Florida Water perfume Tompkins kept stocked, but rarely sold.

Julia blushed a deep red as she realized not only just how much Abe had spent on a gift for her, but that she didn’t have anything for him.

“I.. I… I don’t know what to say,” she stuttered, flabbergasted.

“You could start with ‘Thank you’,” he suggested, smiling down at her.

“But… I wasn’t expecting anything…. I don’t have….”

He reached out and pressed his fingers against her lips, stopping the words she was too embarrassed to vocalize.

“Don’t,” he said softly.  “I got this for you because I wanted to, not in expectation of anything in return.  And, of course, you weren’t expecting anything.  If you had been, you wouldn’t be the woman who stood by my side all those years at school.  Now, why don’t you let her out and we’ll say our goodbyes,” he finished.

Julia had to laugh.  For a man who’d been born a slave, he sure had a courtly manner about him.  Nodding, she said, “Alright, then.  Thank you.”

He grinned down at her, his teeth flashing white in his dark face, as he held out a crooked arm for her to take.  She smiled as she slipped her hand into his elbow.  But her smile faltered as she heard her sisters whispering behind her almost at the same time she caught a glimpse of Jamie disappearing out the front door.  Damn it, she groaned inside.  How was she supposed to court him when he wouldn’t stand still long enough for her to do any courting?

She remained distracted, only half-heartedly responding to Abe’s comments as he led her and her sisters out to the stage stop.  Her good-bye was a mere formality as she continued to scan the street and boardwalk for any sign of Jamie.  But, he was nowhere to be seen.

“Don’t worry,” Abe whispered to her, seconds before boarding the stage.  “It’ll all work out.  You’ll see.”

She never heard his encouragement as she patted him on the shoulder and stepped back so he could climb into the waiting carriage.  She was too busy wondering what she’d done to scare Jamie off, again.  And how to fix things, if she even could.

**********

Julia remained distracted and downcast on the trip back to the ranch, unable to join her sisters in their joyous, carefree chatter.  She was too busy wondering what was going on with Jamie.  She had caught another fleeting glimpse of him as the stagecoach was pulling out.  He’d been standing by the door to the saloon, his eyes fixed on her.  But as soon as she’d looked in his direction, he’d pulled his hat down to shade his eyes and turned his back on her, entering the saloon.  It was such a deliberate gesture of dismissal she couldn’t help but be hurt.

“You coming?”

“What?!” Julia asked, startled out of her reverie by her sister’s acerbic question.  She looked around her, confused, and realized they’d arrived back at the ranch already.  A couple of the younger boys were busy unhitching the horses from the buckboard.

“Are… you…. coming?” Victoria asked in a slow, distinct tone.  Then she gestured up at the Big House.  “Inside?  Or are you just going to sit here all day?”

“Uh… I think I’m going to take a ride,” Julia muttered, climbing down off the buckboard and heading in the opposite direction, toward one of the barns, with a determined stride. 

It took only a few minutes to saddle up her favorite mount in the dark confines of the stables.  She mounted inside and rode her horse flying out of the barn as if a ravenous horde of wolves bayed at her heels.

Once away from the ranch compound, she let the horse have its head and tried to lose herself in the pounding rhythm of its hooves as it galloped across the prairie. 

**********

The sound of pounding hooves in the distance distracted Carl from his contemplation of his various aches and pains.  He was pretty sure his dad had broken his nose.  He couldn’t remember if this was the fourth or the fifth time.  Not that the count really mattered.  The pain made him irritable and cranky, to say the least.

Curiously, he searched the horizon, wondering who would come flying through this desolate part of the back country so fast and hard.  It was the far edge of his father’s property, the worst land in the county for trying to grow anything on.   He was loitering by a lonely stand of trees, huddling against them to avoid the sharp prairie winds that sliced straight through his thin winter coat.  It was too small and almost too old to really do him any good, but it was all he had.  And no way would he take his hat in hand and go begging for someone’s leftovers at the church. 

Eventually he saw the small form atop a prime beast top a ridge to the west.  By the obvious quality of the animal alone he could tell the rider had come from the Hotheads & Misfits Ranch.  And what sort of a name was that for a ranch anyway, he wondered sarcastically. The long tail of dark hair flying out behind the rider made it clear she was a woman.  And she was too tall to be the Marshal, which meant it had to be one of the older Cross girls.

His eyes narrowed as he realized that and he watched her more intently.  Soon the horse slowed from its all out gallop to a cantor, a trot and, eventually, a meandering walk.  As it passed closest to him he was finally able to make out the rider’s features enough to identify her as Julia.

Just thinking her name, watching the way she moved, almost unconsciously, in sync with her horse, made him break out in a cold sweat. His heart began to pick up speed, beating faster and faster, until he could barely breathe.  He couldn’t take his eyes off her as she crossed the prairie.  When she was about to disappear over the horizon he didn’t think twice, just turned to his old, broken down nag of a mount and clambered up onto the gelding’s back.  He kicked it viciously in the sides to get it moving, following Julia’s path like a panther trailing its prey.

**********

Julia had let the horse have its head, racing across the prairie at top speed for awhile, trying to lose herself in the moment, to forget the thousands of little self-doubts that kept stabbing at her, slicing away at her confidence, leaving behind just gaping, bleeding wounds, whenever she thought about Jamie.

When she realized her horse was tiring, she pulled back on the reins, slowing it down until eventually the duo was wandering almost aimlessly across the prairie as she continued her reverie.

A sudden lack of motion pulled her back to reality.  Looking around she realized the horse had instinctually carried her to the swimming hole.  Now it had stopped at the edge of the water and was taking a long, deep drink.

Sighing, Julia dismounted.  This was as good a place to think as any, she figured as she tied the horse’s reins around a low hanging tree branch and found herself a sheltered spot to sit down and rest a bit.

**********

When Julia hadn’t exited the wooded area around the local swimming hole by the time Carl arrived, he stopped his horse and dismounted.  The weary, beleaguered animal snorted in relief and immediately began snuffling around in the grass at its feet.  Carl didn’t bother to tie the animal in place. It wasn’t going to go anywhere without a little… encouragement… anyways.

Pushing his battered grey hat more tightly down on his head, he ducked beneath the tree branches and began to stealthily sneak toward the swimming hole itself.

It didn’t take him long to find her.  There was one particular spot, where they’d all liked to gather as children and swing by a rope, yelling and squealing in holy terror and glee, out over the water before letting go to splash down into the cool depths.  Even in winter it was a nice spot to sit and think, just the right amount of sun, sheltered from the wind, with a couple of fallen trees that made perfect benches for sitting on. And that’s precisely where she was, staring out into nothing, her cheek cradled in one hand, the elbow of that arm braced on her knee as she sat slightly hunched over.

Carl paused to just drink in the sight of her.  She’d always been like a siren call to him.  He didn’t know if it was his father’s opposition, well… hate, really, or her own decidedly sweet nature that drew him.  She was nice to everyone, even the grubby little boy who didn’t have enough in his lunch pail to keep his stomach from growling halfway through the afternoon.  He’d started to fall in love with her the first time she’d given him half her lunch, claiming she didn’t feel well but didn’t want her ma to find out ‘cause she’d fuss and make her stay home from school.  She’d said he’d be doing her a favor if he could finish it off for her.  He’d finished the fall the next day when she’d shown up with a lunch twice its normal size and ‘accidentally’ left half of it behind for him to ‘find.’

He’d shown her in every way he knew how he’d felt.  He’d bossed her around, pulled her pigtails, pushed her anytime he was near.  But she’s always been so caught up in that damned McCloud boy she’d never taken notice.  Of course, as he’d gotten older his tactics had changed, but the results hadn’t.  Jealousy took hold and he’d started to let his father’s attitudes color his own actions.  But, even then, it was like she never noticed.  And that frustrated him more than anything.  Didn’t matter what he did, she never noticed.  Well, maybe she’d notice now.  He’d developed into a burly, grown man while she’d been off at her fancy school.  He could make her notice him now.

Carl started to step forward, intent on pushing his way through the last of the shrubbery and into the clearing, when he heard another horse coming.  A sudden fear clutched at his gut and he slid noiselessly back into his hidey hole.

**********

Lou smiled gently as she pushed her way past the last branches between her and Julia.  Her position was so reminiscent of the same one she was wont to find Jamie in when he was thinking things over.  It just underscored how much these two were meant for each other.

Julia never moved or took any notice of Lou’s approach, even as the older woman sat down on the fallen tree next to her.  The two sat side by side for several moments, Lou occasionally smoothing her skirts or hair in her perpetually restless inability to sit completely still.

“So, you done mopin’ and ready ta start chasin’?” Lou asked after what she considered a decent waiting period.

“Wha?!” A startled Julia couldn’t even complete a simple word in her shock.  Her mouth worked for a moment, but no sounds issued forth.  Then, “What?  How?  Where?”

“It’s my job, girl,” Lou laughed.  “And you were a… touch distracted.”

Julia nodded and turned back to ponder the empty, half frozen-over swimming hole.

“You ready to talk about it, child?”

Julia shrugged.  “What’s there to say?  I’ve failed.  And I haven’t the faintest idea why.”

“Oh, honey,” Lou smiled gently, wrapping an arm around the younger woman’s shoulders.  “You’ve just begun to fight.”

Julia straightened in sudden interest, frantically wiping the errant tears that had silently sparkled across her cheeks.

“What.. what do you mean?” she asked, her voice full of fearful hope.

“Is Jamie married to anyone?”

“Nooooo,” Julia answered, dragging the word out in confusion.

“Then it ain’t too late,” Lou smiled confidently.

Julia’s shoulders slumped in defeat.  “Don’t matter if I can’t catch him to court him.  He’s avoiding me like I’m a leper or something.”

“Now you never had trouble finding ways to spend time with him before,’ Lou said, hiding her grin. “I’d hazard a bet you can figure out where he’s hiding.  If you really want to.”

“But… if he’s avoiding me…..”

“My dear, I doubt he really knows what he wants at this time,” Lou reassured her.  “And the last thing you should do is try to change yourself to be what you think he wants.  Just…be yourself and spend time with him.  Everything else will work itself out.”

Julia just looked at Lou in bewilderment.

“Darlin’, you’ve been acting all fancified since you got back.  I know you spent a lot of years learning how to act proper at school, but that can be a bit off putting to folks that ain’t had the same trainin’. Like Jamie.”

Julia blanched. 

“But… but… I did it for him!” she wailed.

Lou patted her soothingly on the shoulder.  “I know dear.  The thing is, I’ve learned in my life one should only ever change oneself for oneself.”

Julia looked at her blankly, clearly confused.  Lou sighed.

“Shortly after Kid and I got married, before we left for the War,” Lou started to explain, “I got it into my head that I had to be the perfect wife, the perfect woman.  By the rest of the town’s standards.  Not mine or his.  I made us both miserable.  I hated wearing skirts even while riding or doing barn chores.  I never much liked cooking and it just got worse the harder I tried.  We were both miserable.  Until one day he told me to just relax, do what I want and be myself.  He’d married me, not some woman from town.”

Lou stopped speaking and just looked at Julia in expectation.

“You mean…. there’s still a chance,” Julia stated in hushed hope.

Lou smiled and nodded. “He’s loved you for most of his life,” she said, hugging the girl closer to her once more.  “I don’t see that changing.  As long as you stay you.”

**********

Every word out of the Marshal’s mouth was like an arrow, piercing straight through Carl’s heart. And each time Julia said Jamie’s name, the bleeding wound turned a little bit more to stone as it reminded him of all the times she’d put Jamie before anyone or anything else as they’d all been growing up.

He didn’t hear the quiet growl that crept up from his belly through his throat and out of his mouth, but he could feel the hot, pulsing anger that created it taking him over.  And this time, he let it spread because, despite the burns it left behind, that was still less painful than the rips she’d torn in his heart.

His Pa had been right.  She was nothin’ but a red whore, he thought viciously as his face twisted in a sudden surge of hate. 

He knew he couldn’t take the Marshal, so he’d bide his time.  But he’d get his satisfaction off the injun gal for leading him on like that all those years and then walking away while he was still hurting, still wanting.  He’d get his satisfaction in more ways than one.

********** 

“Of course, you can’t do any courtin’, when yer all the way out here and he’s back at the ranch,” Lou smiled, urging Julia to her feet.  “What say we start headin’ back?”

As they walked toward their horses Julia was obviously still thinking over what Lou had told her, not even really watching where she was going.

The older woman smiled and decided to offer one more piece of encouragement.

“You know,” she said offhandedly as they mounted up, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jamie as jealous as he was when Abe arrived.  The boy could barely touch his food.  And you know nothin’ puts that child off feedin’ time!”  She laughed as she spurred her horse into a cantor, Julia following behind, eagerly eating up her words.  “It’s either Love or the Pox, is all I gotta say.”

There’s a difference? Julia thought wryly to herself.  It sure didn’t feel like it.  But she couldn’t help laughing, her hope in the future of her dreams restored.

Chapter 8

The Decision

Kid watched Lou’s face across the fire, as the flickering light of the flames highlighted the sometimes stark planes of her face.  She wasn’t conventionally pretty, but she was the epitome of beauty to him.  Sometimes it made him ache to watch her, but, like a moth drawn to the flame, he couldn’t seem to help himself.

He’d missed her so much for so long, he was afraid to make the wrong move now.  So instead he waited and bided his time, letting her dictate the pace of their relationship now.  Fast or slow, it was all up to her.  He didn’t like the out of control feeling that gave him, but it was better than being without her.

And they had been getting closer again lately, since the move to Rock Creek.  It hadn’t been smooth, but since when had things ever been smooth between them?  He chuffed in quiet laughter at the thought.  He had high hopes that this time, once he voiced them, his intentions would not be spurned.

She smiled and chattered about something she’d seen back in town while they were delivering their special package.  Her slender hands flashed in the firelight.  Kid smiled at her delight, having no idea what she’d just said, but delighted by her joy in it.

Lou knew Kid was not really paying attention to what she was saying.  But the upward curve of his full lips and the amused glint in his eyes more than made up for his inattention.  He’d been so somber lately.  It had started with Ike’s death, then gotten worse with Garth’s and then Doritha’s.  She worried about him so.  That’s why she was going out of her way to be entertaining tonight.  Using her hands to elaborate on the incredibly awful dimensions of the woman’s hat, she continued her story with exaggerated reactions.

A slight turn of the hand, a flip of a finger and suddenly they weren’t Lou’s hands he was watching anymore, but his lost brother’s, Ike’s.  Kid felt the stab of loss deep inside, ripping and tearing at him like a clawed, wild animal desperate to escape.

He’d first really noticed it when Ike died.  But it had really started when Jed passed.  And Garth’s and Doritha’s loss had turned it in to the ravening beast it now was.  Fear.  A fear he’d never faced before.  A fear he didn’t know how to face.  Fear that his very presence, his love, was what was ringing the death knell for those about whom he cared the most.

Lou saw the shadows return and knew she’d lost the battle, for the moment, against the memories.  She didn’t know everything that was bothering Kid, as always he was too stubborn to talk about his problems until they became an emergency.  But she could guess.  Generally, she’d learned to give him time and space to think things through, much as he was learning to let her take her own risks and just be there to catch her if, when, she fell.  But sometimes, sometimes she just couldn’t.

“Whatcha thinkin’ ‘bout?” she asked, stopping her story in mid-sentence.

“Hunh,”  he grunted in startled response.

She forced a slight laugh.  “You didn’t hear a word I said.  I was just wonderin’ what was so much more interestin’.”

“Nothin’ much,” he muttered, tossing the remnants of his coffee into the fire’s heat.  The droplets sizzled and disappeared in seconds.  “I’m tired.  Think I’ll turn in.”

She watched as he turned to the saddle he’d been leaning against and pulled out his bedroll, intently avoiding her eyes as he worked.  This wouldn’t do, not at all, she thought.  But she wasn’t sure what else to try.  Closing her eyes, she thought back to all of the worst moments in her life and what had brought her up out of the depths of hell.  Suddenly she knew exactly what she could offer Kid, a comfort no one but her could offer.  If he felt anything near what she did.

She didn’t say anything, just set aside her own plate and cup, then stood up and walked around the campfire to drop back down on the ground right next to Kid.  Without giving him time to react or even think, she wrapped her arms around his neck and began to feather light kisses up his  neck, across his jaw to his mouth. 

At first he stiffened in surprise, but she could feel his heartbeat speeding up with each new touch of her lips to his suddenly flushed skin.  She smiled into the curve of his neck as his arms slowly wound themselves around her waist.  By the time her mouth found his, he was panting slightly and crushing her against his chest, his lips eagerly, desperately seeking hers.  And she could taste the salt of his tears as they ran freely, finally, down his face. 

What had begun as a tender moment of comfort quickly took on the proportions of a blazing inferno as they feverishly and frantically fed the fire that both had kept banked for months.  The flames of desire licking higher and hotter than they ever had before, accompanied by a desperate need to assure one another that neither would disappear within the next blink of an eye.

The duo by the fire took comfort in the fierceness with which each sought the other, their loving rough and tumble, much like their lives, but full of a tenderness that tried to heal the wounds left by an uncaring world.

**********

Kid lay back on his bedroll, staring up at the bright stars in the dark night sky.  His clothes and Lou’s added an extra layer of padding beneath them.  Lou’s cheek rested against his chest, her slow, even breaths gently ruffling across his skin.

He knew soon the chill of the fall night air would begin to seep through the heat their desire had fueled in their bodies.  When it did, he’d disturb her long enough to grab her bedroll for a blanket.  For the moment, though, he didn’t have the strength to move.  He wished he could stay like this forever.

Kid wrapped his arms more tightly around the slender body cuddled up to his and gently kissed the top of her head.  He’d been considering taking the next step with Lou for some time now, but his own fears had stopped him.  This hadn’t been exactly what he’d planned on either, not that he hadn’t enjoyed it.

But he was tired of having to hide how he felt about her when in public, tired of having to help hide her.  She was his bright and shining star and he wanted the rest of the world to know it.  He smiled slightly as he rolled onto his side and tucked her into the curve of his body while pulling her bedroll toward them.  She muttered slightly in discontent as the cold air touched skin that had been heated by contact with him.  But then she settled down with a little moue of contentment, much like a kitten’s half-purr, as he wrapped them in her blankets.

Reaching down, he gently brushed the curls out of her face, glad she’d begun to let her hair grow out.

Yes, he decided.  It was time to ask her to give up her disguise and come out into the open, as his wife.  He just hoped and prayed that this time she was ready to say yes.  If she weren’t though, he’d keep on asking.  The best things in life didn’t come easy.  He’d learned that the hard way, given up on her, on them, once.  He didn't ever want to do that again..  She was the very best thing of all.

Love & Loss

“Grief is a freight train. No, what's a little pain when you have so much to love?” – Sara Jackson-Holman, Freight Train

Stifling another sob, she reached out one black clad arm to reverently touch one of the half dozen photos displayed on the mantel over the fireplace which dominated one wall of the well appointed sitting room.   She’d shed enough tears the last few days and would no doubt shed more in the coming hours, she refused to cry at this moment.

You’d think one would get used to death and dying, loss and pain, she thought morosely as she ran one finger down the edge of her own cheek in the framed picture.  She was crying in it, too.  Lord knows I’ve lived through enough of it over the years.

There’d been a time when things had been bright and full of hope.  But that had been a long, long time ago.  Sometimes it felt like another life.  Yet, whenever she dipped into those memories they were still there, full of golden sunshine, laughter and love.  They were the only thing that kept her going right now.

She wrapped her fingers around the edge of the plain wooden frame, so unlike the fancily decorated frames of the other pictures it stood with, and pulled it to her chest as she sank down onto the nearby loveseat.  Somehow, for some reason, the unusual photograph of a younger her always helped her remember the time before.

**********

“I had this dream once.  I had it in my head.  She was the purest beauty, but not the common kind.  She had a way about her that made you feel alive. And, for a moment, we made the world stand still.”  -- Lady Antebellum, We Owned The Night

Mrs. Louise McCloud whistled quietly to herself as she puttered around the kitchen.  Rachel wasn’t due back from the schoolhouse for another hour and dinner was already well in hand.  All that was left was to lay out the dishes on the table and pull the food out of the oven when the time came.

She’d once thought she’d miss riding the Express route with every fiber of her being.  But, while there was the occasional twinge of longing when one of the boys caught the mochila and took off, she was too busy enjoying her new life to truly miss the old one.

She smiled softly to herself as she contemplated the last three weeks.  It was hard to believe she’d been a married woman for almost a whole month now.  She couldn’t decide which she liked more… being able to be herself all the time, wear dresses when she wanted and cook delicious meals that made Kid’s eyes light up almost as much as they did when the two would retire to their room upstairs in the evenings, wear trousers and head out for a hard ride on one of the horses that needed a little extra workout… or, the simple peace her life had taken on and the way her hopes for the future were coming together so beautifully.

Pulling out the forks, spoons and knives, she began to slowly circle the table, setting the places for those who would be at dinner tonight.  There were so few of them now they didn’t bother moving food to the bunkhouse, but all ate in the main house where Rachel, Kid and Lou now lived together.  Kid would be coming in from a run in a few minutes.  Teaspoon would be in soon after, tired from a long day of resting in the Marshal’s Office.  Buck would join them, too.  Lou and Rachel would round-out the small group.  But that was all that was left.

A slight hitch in her breath betrayed the turn of her thoughts, as she looked at the set table and mentally counted the places that remained empty.  Ike’s death had begun to take on the patina of age and didn’t hurt nearly so much anymore.  But Noah’s was a still bleeding wound, aggravated by first Cody’s, then Jimmy’s departures.  Cody had left with Captain Urbach a week after the wedding, Jimmy just a few days ago.  Both were off to fight in the war everyone now knew was no longer avoidable.

Angrily, Lou swiped at the lone tear that began to trail down one cheek.  They’d each made their choices.  As much as she missed them and feared for their safety, they were the ones who’d decided to leave this make-shift family.  She could only hope that they’d live long enough in this violent world to someday return.

In the meantime, she had a new life to build.  She smiled to herself, returning to her earlier thoughts as she wiped her hands on her apron and surveyed the set table with a sense of satisfaction that still took her by surprise sometimes.

The sound of pounding hooves brought her head up and she hurried toward the kitchen door.  Stepping out on the stoop, she shaded her eyes and watched appreciatively as Kid galloped into the yard atop Katy, the mochila held out with one strong hand.  Matt Bodine spurred his horse into action and matched paces with Kid to grab the mochila.  She’d seen just such a transfer a thousand times in the last year and a half, been a part of it hundreds of times herself, but now it took on the beauty of a well choreographed dance, a ballet of symphonic proportions.  Perhaps because she knew in a matter of weeks it would disappear forever.

Kid rode Katy up to the edge of the porch, pushing his hat back as he grinned happily up at her.

“Have a good day?” he asked.

“Better than you,” she laughed, eyeing the dirt ringing his eyes and coating his cheeks.  “Looks like you decided to bath in dirt.”

Kid shrugged bashfully and swung his leg over Katy’s rump as he dismounted.

“My last mount threw me, over by Mound Ridge.  I’ll clean up before dinner,” he promised solemnly.  Then suddenly reached out and wrapped both of his large, dirt encrusted hands around her waist to pull her, shrieking in smiling protest, off the edge of the small porch and into his arms, snugged up against his strong body. His blue eyes glinted with mischief as he rubbed his face against hers, even as she tried to evade the rasp of his stubble and the streaks of mud he was wiping all over her cheeks, laughing the entire time.  It ended with his lips pressed to her mouth.  “But first, how about a kiss to welcome a hardworking man home?”

Lou pulled one hand free of his embrace and smacked him upside the head.  “Once yer clean,” she smiled, “you can have all the kisses you want.”  Wiggling out of his grasp, she added, “But you’d better hurry.  Dinner’ll be done in less than thirty.”

**********

The sun rose over the rooftops at the Express station, bathing everything in a soft, golden light.  The late fall sunshine brought a cheery lift to everyone at the station, where all had been down for weeks as they contemplated the end of the Pony Express.  Even the birds seemed to be a bit happier today, chirping a sprightly tune from the tree outside the kitchen window, providing musical accompaniment as Lou washed the breakfast dishes.

She tried to let the simple happiness the morning offered her infuse her being, even as her traitorous mind kept running over the previous night’s dinner conversation again and again.  The talk of what each of them would do once the Express station was closed next week had left a dark shadow hanging over her newlywed desire to be happy.

No one was really sure what to do next, least of all she and Kid.   They’d put off going to pick up Theresa and Jeremiah until the Express closed, to save as much money as they could.  But after that, too many questions remained unanswered.  The sense of uncertainty left her feeling off kilter, which interfered with her innate desire to think of happy things at this point in her life.

Hearing the door open and close behind her, she said over her shoulder, “Your lunch is in the pail on the table, Teaspoon.”

“He’s already come and gone,” Kid said, snuggling up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist.  “You must’ve been lost deep in your thoughts to have missed that!”

Lou shrugged non-committally and Kid sighed.  He hated seeing her like this.  She’d been so quiet the night before, too, when they went to bed.  He thought for a moment, while pressing his lips to her soft, bare neck.

The contact sent a shiver of appreciation racing down her body toward her fingers and toes.

“Rachel’s gone, too, and Buck’s getting ready to leave on a run,” he said, thinking out loud.  “Why don’t you pack a lunch fer the two of us and we’ll go have a picnic down by the swimming hole after I finish chores.”

Lou turned in his arms at the suggestion and looked up at him, reaching up with one hand to cup his cheek.

“Is it that obvious?” she asked.

Kid nodded.  “Kind of hard to miss.”

“Alright,” she said.  “But…. no talk of tomorrow, or next week or what comes after.  Let’s just enjoy the day.  Who knows how much longer this nice weather will stick around.”

Kid smiled at her speculatively.  “Long enough for a dip in the pond, do ya think?”

Lou grinned back wickedly.  “Maybe.  If you behave yerself.  Now git!  I got stuff ta do here and you got work, too, ‘fore we can go and play.”

**********

“We woke under a blanket, all tangled up in skin.  Not knowing, in that moment, we’d never speak again.  But it was perfect.  I never will forget.” -- Lady Antebellum, We Owned The Night

Lou moaned in appreciation as she snuggled into Kid’s warm embrace.  As anticipated, the previous day’s warmth had given way to the first serious cold snap of the year late in the afternoon.  But there was nothing cold in her bed this morning.  Her husband radiated a reassuring heat that made her loathe to crawl out from under the covers.

Of course, the wandering pressure of his hands and lips as they explored her skin under the blankets was no small inducement to stay exactly where she was, she thought, sighing again as he hit just the right spot.

She slid her foot up and down his calf, to show him just how much she liked what he was doing, even as she reached up to pull the quilt more tightly over their heads to keep the warmth in.

**********

“Kid, hurry up,” Lou urged, laughing, as she rushed down the stairs.  “I’m already late getting breakfast started as it is.  And I’m sure Katy and Lightning are getting worried about their breakfasts, too.”

“I’m comin’,” he muttered.  “You know, not a one of ‘em would starve if they missed a single meal.”

“Oh, hush yer grumblin’,” Lou smiled over her shoulder at him. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and waited for him to pass her.  Slapping at his shoulder she added, “You know you’ll be happy as a bug in a rug soon’s ya get in the barn.  You just don’t want ta deal with the cold and wet ‘tween here and there.”

“I just don’t want ta deal with it on my run this afternoon,” he agreed, leaning over to kiss her.

Wrapping her arms over his shoulders and around his head and neck, she pressed tightly into the kiss, savoring the feel of him against her.  “Just remind yerself it’s yer last run this week.  Two more next week, and that’s it.  Leastwise if the Express has gotta end, it’s doin’ it for the truly vile winter weather sets in.”

Kid laughed.  “Yep.  No more runs like last year, middle of blizzards, sub-zero winds that tear right through the thickest coats, air that freezes yer lungs.  I’m just as happy to do without that.”

Lou pushed him toward the door as she pulled out of his arms and turned toward the kitchen.  He stumbled slightly, and shook his head in surprise.

“But ‘til then,” she advised, “best get ta feedin’ the animals.  Gotta keep Katy strong so’s she’ll bring ya back home ta me.”

**********

Lou stood on the porch, shivering, as she huddled deeply into the extra thick and warm winter coat that had been Kid’s wedding present to her.  Yesterday’s cold, wet chill had settled into the first winter storm of the year overnight.  She peered out into the blowing white, trying to pick out the sight of Kid, returning from the west.

“It’s alright, Lou,” Teaspoon reassured her gruffly, patting her on the shoulder.  “He’s ridden through worse than this without problem.  And Katy’s a good mount.  She’ll get him home safe.”

“What if something happened before the last waystation,” she asked in deep concern.  “Not all the stock is as reliable as Katy, ‘specially now that the Express is startin’ ta sell off the extras.”

“You know he’s one of the best riders out there.  He’ll make it through.  The weather’s just probably delayed him some, that’s all.”

“Five hours, Teaspoon?” Lou asked on the verge of tears.  “What could have delayed him for five whole hours?”

“I don’t know, darlin’,” he answered her, shaking his head.  “I don’t--”

“Shhh!” Lou suddenly hushed him, holding up a hand for quiet as she straightened alertly.  “Did you hear that?”

“What?”

She waited a moment then exclaimed, “That!  It’s a horse comin’, I know it.”

Teaspoon found himself straining for the sound of galloping hooves and soon he heard it, too.

“Rider comin’,” he shouted out the familiar refrain and the door to the bunkhouse burst open as Matt Clancy came rushing out and leaping onto the back of his waiting horse.  Teaspoon handed the horse blanket he’d just pulled off the animal’s back as he continued to hold tightly to the bridle.  Looking up at Matt he said, “Ride hard, ya’ve got a lot of time ta make up fer.  But ride careful, hear me son?  This don’t look ta be gettin’ any better any time soon.”

“Yes, Sir,” Matt nodded agreeably.  He, too, was now an old hand at making Express runs in the worst of weather.

“Here he comes,” Lou shouted to be heard over the rising winds.

Matt spurred his mount into motion as Teaspoon let go of the bridle.  He matched paces with Katy and took the pouch from Kid.  The jerk as he grabbed the mochila pulled Kid to the side and he began to slide off Katy’s back.

“Kid!” Lou exclaimed in sudden, returned worry.  She bolted headlong out into the yard, arms reaching out to catch him as he fell.  But she was too late.  She skidded to a stop on her knees at his side instead, lifting his head into her lap.  “Kid?” she barely whispered.  Looking up at the man standing just behind her with tears already gathering in her eyes, she added fearfully, “He’s burnin’ up, Teaspoon.”

Teaspoon bent over hurriedly and grabbed Kid’s shoulder.

“Help me get him up and inside,” he ordered brusquely.

**********

Two shaking hands dipped the cloth into the bowl of water, soaking up the moisture, then wringing the excess out.  The slender woman turned from the bowl to the man ensconced in the bed, buried under piles of blankets, yet still shaking uncontrollably, and trying to shove the blankets away.  She pushed the hair back from his face and gently wiped the cloth across his forehead and down his cheek to his chest.

“Oh, Kid,” she whispered tenderly, her voice hoarse from the sobs she wouldn’t let escape.  “You’ve gotta fight, Kid.  You can beat this.  You beat the Hawk.  You beat the Pike brothers.   You beat my own stubborn pride.  You can beat this, too.  Just hang in there, Kid.”

So caught up was she in her concern for her husband, Lou didn’t notice the hushed conference going on by the window.

“He needs the Doc, Teaspoon,” Rachel urged.  “I’ve done everything I can, but….”

“I know, Rachel,” Teaspoon said, not meeting her eyes, his voice almost inaudible as he struggled to hold in his own fear.  Staring at the white out through the window, he added, “But we’re just gonna have ta do the best we can ‘til this storm passes.  Doc left just before it started ta deliver a baby over in Fairbury.  He won’t be comin’ back ‘til the weather clears and there’s no way we could get to him anyway through this mess.”

“I just wish I could figure out what’s causing this,” Rachel shook her head.

Teaspoon wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder.  “Ain’t no tellin’.  Sometimes these things just sneak up on one with no reason.  All’s we can do is help him the best we can and hope he’s got the strength to fight it.”

**********

“Lou.  Lou,” Buck said quietly, shaking her shoulder as carefully as he could.  “Wake up, the Doc’s here.”

Lou lifted her head from where it had fallen on her crossed arms and blinked blearily up at her brother for a moment.  Then conscience thought returned and she looked sharply around.  It had been three days since Kid’s return and, unlike the storm outside, his fever showed no signs of abating.  She hadn’t left his side once and had only slept in short cat naps in a chair by his bed.  But all her attention had done little good.  He was obviously getting weaker and had never regained consciousness.

“Move over, young lady, so I can see what’s going on,” came the soothing rumble of the town’s doctor.  He paused and took a closer look at her as she stood up and moved back from the bed to make way for him.  “Why don’t you go get something to eat and freshen up a bit, ma’am,” he added.  “Won’t do him any good you worrying yourself to death and it’ll take me awhile to examine him.”

Rachel took her by the elbow and guided her out of the room.

**********

“I never meant to hurt you.  You know how much I love you. I know you love me so.  But it’s time to let me go.” -- Gloriana, Let Me Go.

A quick change of clothes and a splash of water on the face had definitely helped wake her up.  Yet, Lou found herself seated at the kitchen table, staring at the spoonful of food in her hand,not quite able to remember how it got there.  It was full of Rachel’s delicious stew but, judging by the roiling in her stomach, Lou didn’t think she could keep it down.

The sound of a door opening and closing, followed by footsteps treading heavily down the stairs drew her attention away from the food.  Dropping the spoon back into the bowl, Lou rose hurriedly to her feet and turned to face the stairway.

“Well?” she asked as the doctor stepped off the last stair.  “What do we need ta do?”

The doctor looked at her sadly as he walked slowly toward her, shaking his head.  She read the sorrow in his eyes and backed away from him, step for step.  If he couldn’t reach her, he couldn’t tell her the story she was already reading in his eyes.  It was a story with an end she didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t accept.  But, eventually, there was no more room for her to continuing escaping.

She bumped into Rachel, who reached out to steady her with both hands, already murmuring a constant litany of one word, “No.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. McCloud,” Doc said softly, reaching out one hand to lay it on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.  “There’s nothing more I can do for him.  You’d best prepare yourself to say goodbye.”

“No! You just didn’t look hard enough!  He’s strong, he’ll fight this.  We can’t give up on him.  He needs us!” Lou practically screamed into the man’s face as she batted his hand away.  Tears streamed down her cheeks as she shook her head violently back and forth in negation.

Not waiting to listen to another word, she pulled away from Rachel’s grasp and rushed up the stairs toward her husband.  Rachel started to go after her, a helpless, yet resolute, look on her face.

“No,” Teaspoon said gruffly, clearing his throat.  “I’ll talk to her.”  Rachel nodded in miserable agreement.

**********

Lou only made it as far as the door to the bedroom she’d shared so happily with Kid just four days ago.  The room in which Kid lay…. No!  She refused to even think the word.

With one hand she reached out to touch the wood of the door, softly, almost caressing it as if it were Kid’s own face.  But she couldn’t force herself to push the door open, too afraid of what she’d see, what she’d find inside.

Suddenly, she crumpled to her knees in front of the door, her hand sliding down the panel as she went, never losing contact.  First she felt the sobs coming, bubbling up, out of her throat, like a \pot boiling over.  Within seconds, the sobs turned to wails of grief that could be heard throughout the house.

A strong, familiar pair of arms wrapped themselves around her and she laid her head on the shoulder that had borne so many of her tears and fears over the last couple of years.  They were strong, when she could not be.  But they weren’t the arms she longed for at this moment.  And that turned her wails into gulping tears so strong no sound could issue forth.

“You just let it out, girl,” Teaspoon said, his own voice wavery with the tears building in him.  “Cause yer right, you’ve gotta be strong fer him.”

“Then… then there…. is h-h-hope?” she managed.

“No,” Teaspoon sighed, hugging her tighter.  “The Doc found what’s makin’ him sick and it’s too late.  He… he hurt himself worse’n any of us thought when he fell.  He’s got a busted rib inside.  Taking another run caused it ta do more damage.  Doc says he’s bleeding out from the inside and there’s no way ta stop it.  And he’s got some scrapes that got infected.  They’ve turned ta gangrene, honey.  And it’s too late ta amputate, even if he were strong enough ta survive.”

“But… but he promised,” Lou wailed into Teaspoon’s shirt, gasping for breath between the sobs. “He promised ta never ride off without me again.”

“And now you’ve gotta release him from that promise, Lou,” Teaspoon said so quietly she almost couldn’t hear him.  “He’s fightin’ hard right now.  But it’s a fight he can’t win.  We gotta let him know it’s alright ta give up, ta stop fightin’ and let the Good Lord take him.”

“I… I don’t think I’m strong enough,” she said, shaking her head in negation.

Teaspoon pulled back and used both hands to force her face up to meet his eyes.  In strict, almost harsh, but loving tones he asked, “How many times has he been strong fer you?  Well, girl?  How many?  DeWitt, Wicks, yer own Pa, the Pikes, Lambert… I could keep goin’.  It’s yer turn ta be strong fer him.”

Lou hauled in a wavery, sniffling breath as she tried to shake her head in denial of what Teaspoon was telling her.  But Teaspoon rolled right over her attempt.

“You cry it all out now, get all them tears out.  Then you get yerself under control and you go in there and tell him… tell him it’s alright ta move on.  You…. you tell him goodbye.  We’ll all say it, but yer the one he really needs ta hear it from. Yer the one he’s fightin’ fer.  Once he’s… once it’s over… then ya can start yer grievin’.  Right now ya gotta take care of him.”

**********

Lou sat a lonely vigil by Kid’s bed.  It had been the most painful thing she’d ever done to sit there and watch and listen as the others had said their goodbyes, one by one.  Rachel had wept silently while holding Kid’s hand.  Teaspoon had told Kid how he’d always thought of him as a son and how proud he was of him.  Buck had called him brother, then pulled his big knife out of his boot and slashed off all his hair, leaving it in clumps on the floor next to the bed.

But as hard as that had been, there was one more, still harder, thing Lou had to do.  She had to say her own goodbye.  And she didn’t have the slightest idea how to start.

Inhaling deeply, Lou wrapped her hand around Kid’s, entwining their fingers.  Staring at the wedding rings on both their hands, she let out the pent up breath and started to speak.

“Do you remember, Kid, when you first learned my secret?  The first of my secrets, I guess you could say?  You said it would take some gettin’ used to, my bein’ a girl.  I told ya, I’d always been a girl.  Thing I didn’t tell ya was, I’d always been your girl.  Even when we was apart, you still held a piece of me.  And that hurt more’n anything in my life.  And you know just how much that is.  That’s why I made ya promise never ta ride off without me again.  Cause I wasn’t strong enough ta let ya leave with that piece of me.  But I’ve grown up a lot, and gotten stronger on the way.  And I’ve got others ta help me be strong without you.  So… this is yer run, Kid.  Yer the rider up.  It’s alright, ya can mount up and ride out.  I’ll be along shortly, when my run comes.  We’ll see each other at the next Home Station, I promise.  And… I’ll still be yer girl.  Always.  Just….” her breath hitched and she struggled to regain control.  After a moment, she continued, “just give me a kiss goodbye and take yer run.  I love ya, Kid.  Ride safe.”

Lou leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips.

**********

“Happiness is a soft light, That way we see our life by, Only fading to the dark.  Close your eyes, Take to the sky like a big blue kite, Leave your woes behind.  Close my eyes, Try to remember what you said to me, Before you said goodbye” – Sara Jackson-Holman, Freight Train

Louise smiled softly in remembered pain.  Her beloved Kid had left her just moments later.  She’d been right, she’d never had to do anything near as painful since.  They’d buried him the next day.  It’d been a right fine funeral.  Everyone in town had come to pay their respects and offer their support. She’d appreciated the thought, but couldn’t handle the suffocating care they’d tried to wrap her in.

She’d walked home from the funeral, in her wedding dress died black, back straight and tall, her tears hidden behind the blackened veil.  She’d entered the house, ripped off the dress and burned it, put on her pants, packed her bags and ridden out without a backward glance.

She’d headed to St. Joe, intending to collect Theresa and Jeremiah before heading West to find a place for all of them.  But more heartache had awaited her at the Mission.  Jeremiah had been more angry than ever with her, screaming at her that she always ruined everything before running off.  She’d learned from the nuns that a nice couple who lived in town wanted to adopt both of the children.

Stunned beyond her ability to handle the pain anymore, she’d walked out of the mission without saying a word.  She’d sat down on the steps to contemplate the ashes about her feet that were all that was left of her once bright and shining dreams for the future.  She didn’t know what to do, she no longer had any will to even survive.

That’s when he’d taken the picture.  She hadn’t even seen him, or the big bulky camera.  But he’d searched her out at the rooming house the next day.  He’d only said he’d seen her the day before and the pain in her eyes had haunted him.  She’d ended up leaving town as his assistant.  He’d taught her all he knew about the art of photography.  They’d traveled the battlefields of the Civil War, photographing the misery and the death for the world to see.  He’d become famous, she’d been forgotten by a history written by men.

It had been years before he’d shown her this picture.  She’d immediately framed it and placed it on the mantel, between her wedding photos.  He hadn’t understood how she could smile and laugh at the memories it returned to her, how she could take comfort in such pain.  But he’d never loved like she had.

They’d married shortly after the end of the War.  It had been a good marriage.  They’d been partners, friends, parents.  But they’d never been the lovers she and Kid had been.

A large hand settled on her shoulder and she looked up into her eldest son’s bright blue eyes, shadowed with the grief of loss.

“It’s time,” he said in familiar tones.

She nodded, sighing, and rose to place the photograph back in its place on the mantel.  Taking her son’s arm, she let him lead her out to the waiting carriage in front of the house.  The carriage moved slowly through the city streets toward the cemetery.  It was a bigger cemetery, a bigger coffin, a bigger funeral, for a much longer lived life.

But which, she wondered, was the bigger loss?  The love that had burned bright and all-consuming but been shattered too soon?  Or the slower, steadier affection that had lasted decades and helped raise a family?  It was too hard, too soon for her to tell.  All she knew was… it hurt.

The carriage pulled to a jerky stop and the driver leapt down from his seat to open the door and help her out.

She walked slowly through the crowded people, barely hearing their murmured condolences, to stop before the large white stone that would soon mark her husband’s final resting place.

The preacher stepped up beside her, whispering in her ear before he began the service.  “Are you ready, Mrs. Brady?”

“I can hear that old sweet song, a simple melody calling me back home, where the love grows pure and strong.  That's where my heart, That's where my heart belongs.” – Gloriana, Where My Heart Belongs